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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,706 posts, read 41,855,063 times
Reputation: 41429
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My mother lives two states (700 miles) away. The last time I saw her in person was back in July, when I had some vacation time. On that visit we agreed that next time she'd come to me in DC for visiting around the holidays. This was the deal up to even last month. Last week we were talking and she pops up with me coming to visit her. I told her I had some time off for NYE weekend and we left off with me considering it. In honesty, I do not feel like traveling to her spot because it is a depressing and boring place to be, even she hates it. I feel she is going back on her word since she said she would come to me next time. I could just do a visit for Xmas Eve and the day after thanks to getting that day after Xmas off but I just don't feel like it. I love her but I do NOT want to go spend rare time off for me in a God Forsaken spot like where she lives.
At this point I'm leaning no for visiting, am I being a total a-hole for it?
you know friend,, just visit her don't keep grudges with your mother. Even she lives in a hell she is your mother think like that. When we get old we will forget hard to keep promises, so take it easy. Just visit your mother for the new years eve and enjoy time with her. Life is short my dear don't waste a bit... Bless you and your family!
Does your mom have anyone to spend Christmas with if you don't go? For me, that would be the deciding factor to spend Christmas with mom.
Otherwise, perhaps you could visit her after the holidays? If y'all exchange Christmas gifts, you can hint that you'd appreciate some cash to spend on a plane ticket to visit her? She's in Louisville, right? A RT ticket from DCA to Louisville on a random weekend in January is $200. Has she indicated that she expects you to come to her now that she's changed her mind?
I'd also like to add, please don't resent your mom for changing her mind about traveling to DC. Also, it shouldn't matter that where she lives is boring. You'll be there for only a couple of days. Surely you can entertain yourself, spend quality time with mom, or deal with boredom for two days. Play cards or board games with mom, watch some movies, read some books or magazines. You're going there to visit mom not party and go out to bars.
I would make the decision based on a number of things: Your mother's age and the level of difficulty for her to travel. Her financial ability to travel, her reason for changing her mind. When you next plan to see each other. Whether she has anyone to spend the holiday with and whether she goes back on her word often IOW is this manipulative?
We don't have a lot of information here to help you much. Personally, I'd be tempted to stay in DC if only that traveling 700 miles for 2 days is a fairly expensive proposition if you aren't going too enjoy it.
Edited to add: Louisville? It's not that bad. I expected some rusted and gutted out steel town. Still pretty expensive for two days.
Dissenter, how old is your mom? Is traveling actually physically difficult for her? If she's not elderly and she is able to travel, that removes two legitimate reasons for her to back out.
Is the travel to come see you going to impose an actual (not imagined) financial hardship on her? If so, can you offer to help offset the costs, or pay for her ticket completely?
Does she work full time outside the home? If so, is she using up time off that she really needs to save for some other reason? Or is she wanting to stay closer to home because at her age she tires more easily and therefore would rather not wear herself out completely on her few days off?
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,706 posts, read 41,855,063 times
Reputation: 41429
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon
Dissenter, how old is your mom? Is traveling actually physically difficult for her? If she's not elderly and she is able to travel, that removes two legitimate reasons for her to back out.
Is the travel to come see you going to impose an actual (not imagined) financial hardship on her? If so, can you offer to help offset the costs, or pay for her ticket completely?
Does she work full time outside the home? If so, is she using up time off that she really needs to save for some other reason? Or is she wanting to stay closer to home because at her age she tires more easily and therefore would rather not wear herself out completely on her few days off?
Early 60s, on the treadmill 5 days a week, no financial hardship, I'm in no position to help if there was one anyway. Works FT, Load of use or lose leave, she wants to get the hell out of Kentucky.
To another poster's point. Louisville is Hollywood compared to where she actually lives..
My mother lives two states (700 miles) away. The last time I saw her in person was back in July, when I had some vacation time. On that visit we agreed that next time she'd come to me in DC for visiting around the holidays. This was the deal up to even last month. Last week we were talking and she pops up with me coming to visit her. I told her I had some time off for NYE weekend and we left off with me considering it. In honesty, I do not feel like traveling to her spot because it is a depressing and boring place to be, even she hates it. I feel she is going back on her word since she said she would come to me next time. I could just do a visit for Xmas Eve and the day after thanks to getting that day after Xmas off but I just don't feel like it. I love her but I do NOT want to go spend rare time off for me in a God Forsaken spot like where she lives.
At this point I'm leaning no for visiting, am I being a total a-hole for it?
No. Not at all. 700 miles is a long way to travel for two or three days.
Early 60s, on the treadmill 5 days a week, no financial hardship, I'm in no position to help if there was one anyway. Works FT, Load of use or lose leave, she wants to get the hell out of Kentucky.
To another poster's point. Louisville is Hollywood compared to where she actually lives..
OK, thanks for the clarification.
I am in my early fifties, and in good health, so I can imagine that your mother is active and in her right mind - not at all the frail, elderly mother type!
Since she's clearly competent, financially able, and physically able to come visit you, my suggestion is that you remind her that it's HER turn to come visit YOU and that you're looking forward to her visit. Stick to your guns. If she refuses to come, tell her clearly that it's her choice and you're sorry she's made that choice, but once again, it's her turn and you're both adults so you expect her to play fair.
Give her a reasonable deadline to get back with you with clearly defined visit dates, and then if she doesn't do that, make your own plans. Then stick to them - and enjoy yourself!
This reminds me of a conversation I had with my mother a few years ago. I told her "We're both adults - we are going to need to revisit how we interact. I'm not going to interact with you as a child anymore, and I expect you to treat me with the same amount of respect you would give any adult."
I thought that was reasonable but she was HORRIFIED. I mean, her reaction was very enlightening. She actually told me - had the audacity to tell me - "I am your MOTHER. You are my CHILD. That is how things are going to always be."
No.
I said, "Yes, you are my mother. But I am not a child. You are an adult and I am an adult, and we are going to have an adult relationship or a very limited one because I'm not a child and will not act or be treated like one."
She was furious. Like...for three years. But she eventually got over it.
Sounds like your mom may be pulling the Mom Guilt card. Or maybe you're just feeling it because you're operating as a child rather than an adult in the relationship.
You're both competent adults. Act like an adult with her and insist she treats you as one. She wouldn't act like an old, frail, fragile old lady who was pining away for her child with her circle of friends - and don't let her pull that on you either! She needs to pack her bags and come visit you the next time - whether it's this holiday or some other holiday. Maybe both of you will decide for this holiday to make other plans and that's OK too - but it's her decision as much as it is yours. She's not allowed to pull the "My way or the highway" thing just because she's your mother.
No, you're not a total ahole for it. DC is fun during the holidays, and I wish my family had made an attempt to come see it instead of expecting me to travel to their various suburban hells through the years.
I would just say, "Mom, you were going to come here, remember? There is a lot to do here and I'd love to show you around, take you to the national Christmas tree, show you DC done up for the holidays. You'd love it."
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Load of use or lose leave, she wants to get the hell out of Kentucky.
