How Many Friends would you say you have?

[kayanne]

I've moved a lot the past several years, and it's been disappointing to realize that people I thought of as "good friends" stop making any effort to stay in touch after I've moved away. I have certainly tried to stay in touch, to extend invitations to visit, to telephone. But just this week I was thinking it's time to realize that my friends from my past, are exactly that: in the past. Trying to hang onto those friendships brings more pain than pleasure, because my efforts aren't reciprocated.

In my new town (I've lived here a year), I have 3-4 people I could call in an emergency, that I get together with for meals, drinks, parties, etc. But I suspect if we move away, we would lose touch.

So for those reasons, I am very grateful that my husband is my best friend.

[Sonic_Spork]

About 300-350 that are friendly acquaintance or better. They know my name and face and I know theirs and we'd say hello to each other on the street and hang out.

If I were throwing a party for the best of those, there would be about 60-70 people on the list. I consider them to be "like family." Close friends.

The ones I trust with a large loan or something? Less than 10.

The ones I trust with my deepest secrets? 0.

(This includes friends from afar, those in my local circles, and biological family.)

[unfocused]

Zero. Posts like the above astound me. 60-70 close friends?! If I count up everyone Ive ever felt was a freind of some sort since my earliest memory, which would be sometime in grade school in the mid 1960s, it adds up to maybe 40 during my whole life.

[Dayton Sux]

I do a monthly homemade note card thing as a crafts project & a way to 'stay in touch'. I send this to 6 people. Of those, only two write notes in return. One lives in Indianapolis, and I actually don't know him that well, so go figure! The other I see once a month, so he would be the closest to the conventional concept of 'freind'

A third, a former coworker who I would say is just an acquaintance, does send cards, but more seasonal things, not always in reply. We occasionaly see oach other.

Two others never contact me unless I initiate contact over the phone,tho, I do see one once a month.

So I sort of have 6 friends. Though I'd say maybe 4 or 5 as two of these are pretty intermittent and I have to make an effort to reach out to them.

I plan on dropping all these friends in the next two months, because, frankly, its not worth the effort, and I tend to have trouble interacting FtF with these people as I tend to be excessively talkley and not let the other party talk. Keeping in touch via notes/mail seems to work better, but after awhile it becomes sort of ..what...a hassle?

Time to put an end to this friend thing. Tho I sort of wish I could get along better with people or find people who share my interests (one of the issues is there are few common interests with me and my friends).

[cindersslipper]

One very good friend.

Multiple acquaintances who come and go.

[statisticsnerd]

Originally Posted by Mr.2089

I had a professor in college who told us we'd be lucky to have one true friend after we left college. So true

Definitely. After college, people tend to only care about their careers and family. I'd say the one true friend he was talking about is your spouse. I stopped "hanging out" with friends my sophomore year of college. I was too focused on my studies and they all just dropped by the wayside. Going to the beach, having pool parties, going to movies with a gaggle of friends is something high schoolers, and to a lesser extent, college aged people do. After college, real world obligations set in. Also, people are two-faced and self-centered. I've had some bad experiences with friends backstabbing or disappearing on me when the going got tough.

[Sonic_Spork]

I see a lot of posts that are very transactional in nature here. "I would do this, but would they return the favor?" or "What can they do for me now?" or what have you.

When I talk about having 60-70 friends that I consider to be like family...

First of all, we have an activity in common. This annual music festival we go to in Richmond, VA every August has become our family reunion, to the point where although we all plan to be in August that weekend, we're not even sure if we're going to the actual event or having our own event elsewhere. The relationships we have with one another eclipsed the thing that brought us together in the first place.

It is not transactional. I do not send out notes and then tap my foot waiting to see if anyone takes the time to validate me. The reason these people are precious to me is that those in my day to day life (husband, kids) are very demanding, very needy. The nature of those relationships is one where they need care and I give it. They don't give much back. My friends on the other hand, they need nothing from me. They just love that I showed up, they're happy to see me, and we have good times together. That recharges my batteries, and I need that very much when dealing with the very heavy demands of everyone and everything in my regular life. They love me for who I am, the way I talk and act, the art I make, the thoughts, opinions, and stuff that makes me, ME...not for what energy they can suck out of me to sustain themselves.

Now if I had a very fulfilling life with the people in my home, that made me feel genuinely seen as who I am and appreciated for that, I might not need my "tribe." I couldn't say. I doubt if that will ever be the case.

So having a plethora of social contacts doesn't make one less of a "loser" or in any way more functional or healthy...sometimes it's just compensation for other areas of life that are weak or difficult. We're all just human here...