Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Yes, and it sounds like you are making good choices. People act quite different with alcohol on board and it can place us in rather dangerous situations.
I am forced to cut toxic people from my life several times a week, right here on City-Data. You know the types, they start a thread with a mild bit of controversy and a couple of pages later turn into raving lunatics. It just takes the enjoyment out of the thread, and I have to end the relationship.
I stopped doing it a long time ago since there are so many of them! Instead I switched the focus to me learning how to deal with them. It's a journey of a lifetime and a work in progress.
The advantage is that I no longer have to think about them or worry about the next unpleasant situation because, over the years, I have developed sufficient tools to deal with unpleasant people. Couldn't have learned any of it without exposing myself and getting the practice.
This change of focus required a lot of work on my part. But it's paid off by making me feel more sure of myself and my ability to handle various types of personal interactions.
Another advantage is that sometimes people change, just as I have changed, and I don't want to close the door to possible positive experiences.
I have this enormous capacity to love and sometimes that's been a double edged sword. I had to dump a friend of nearly 30 years because she was always a selfish narcissist. I made excuses for her because she was deep in my heart. I finally realized with age that this relationship was dysfunctional and a reflection of the way I was used to being treated as a child. It was in my sick comfort zone so I put up with her selfishness. I finally woke up and walked away. I had another friend that was a raging alcoholic. Again that was in my sick comfort zone because I was raised by dysfunctional alcoholics. We were at their house one holiday for dinner and I sat there feeling like an idiot. I had put myself right back into the same situation I desperately tried to escape in my youth. I realized then and there that I was seriously finished with the friendship. She died a couple of years later a day after her 59th birthday. I have a new friend that I let deep into my heart that I'm starting to wonder if it was a mistake as well. I desperately want to be there for him because he and I are so much alike and he comes from a similar childhood back ground. I don't think he's an alcoholic but he does have a problem with alcohol. He did something so incredibly nice for me during our last blizzard but he also brought up drinking at 6am. I didn't want to hear about that after I just worked the double from hell and had to double back and be at work at 3pm the same day. I gave him a hug and asked him to love himself a little more. I can't watch another loved one disappear into a bottle. It's just not in me, yet I care very much for him. He's an awesome person that was never loved the way he deserved to be loved. My eyes are wide open on this one because I've learned how to escape those dysfunctional patterns. Losing his friendship would break my heart but I can't allow any dysfunction back into an awesome life I've worked hard to create. One of my dearest friends was also an alcoholic. No surprise there huh. He and his wife and I have been friends since we were in our early 20's. He spiraled out of control with his alcoholism and wound up in jail because of it. His daughter wrote him a beautiful letter about how much he's hurting the family. Something clicked in him and after decades of heavy drinking he just stopped. That was 16 years ago I saw him and the whole family last night including grandchildren. I was the only non family member there yet I really am part of their family. What an honor it was for me to be sitting there at their dinner table. He brought out the letter that his daughter wrote to him over a decade ago. We all cried and I told him how proud I was of him for turning his life around. Sometimes these things have happy endings. I wish that for my new friend, although he hasn't unlocked that secret of not spinning his wheels in that self destructive rut his horrendous childhood has created for him. He lives in a little box all locked up tight so nobody can get in and hurt him again. It's terribly sad to me to be missing so much life. Time will tell where this friendship goes. I'm hoping for a happy ending because I think it could be a really awesome friendship.
I had to kick an old high-school friend to the curb recently. We're both in our 40s and recently reconnected after decades of no contact. Our lives have taken completely different turns. Mines for the better, hers not so much and I sympathize with her. That's partially the reason I kept her around for much longer than I should have. I kind of feel sorry for her.
Long story short, while life has certainly been rough for her, most of it was due to her own wreck less & irresponsible choices. But, she won't own this because she has a serious case of victim-itis. Unfortunately, this victim mindset has become a coping skill for her. I swear all this person does is COMPLAIN. ABOUT. EVERYTHING in her life, i.e. it's everybody's fault; nobody likes me; I have nothing; I wish I had finished my education and I wouldn't be struggling, etc. Finally, after being back in contact for only 2 years, I just couldn't do it anymore and had to cut her off. I ended the friendship by wishing her well and disappearing like Casper the friendly ghost.
There's a fine line between healthy venting and not accepting responsibility. Some people get satisfaction from complaining. I pride myself on being a good listener and a voice of reason. But, many times after I finished talking to this person, I often felt like a bus had just hit me. That was the first sign for me to exit stage left.
It's been about 6 months now, but in retrospect I realize how one-sided the friendship was since all she really did was dump on me. We had nothing in common and unless I was "counseling" her there was not much to talk about. I'm not a therapist (she desperately needs one) and I'm better off without the headaches of that toxic relationship.
I have this enormous capacity to love and sometimes that's been a double edged sword. I had to dump a friend of nearly 30 years because she was always a selfish narcissist. I made excuses for her because she was deep in my heart. I finally realized with age that this relationship was dysfunctional and a reflection of the way I was used to being treated as a child. It was in my sick comfort zone so I put up with her selfishness. I finally woke up and walked away. I had another friend that was a raging alcoholic. Again that was in my sick comfort zone because I was raised by dysfunctional alcoholics. We were at their house one holiday for dinner and I sat there feeling like an idiot. I had put myself right back into the same situation I desperately tried to escape in my youth. I realized then and there that I was seriously finished with the friendship. She died a couple of years later a day after her 59th birthday. I have a new friend that I let deep into my heart that I'm starting to wonder if it was a mistake as well. I desperately want to be there for him because he and I are so much alike and he comes from a similar childhood back ground. I don't think he's an alcoholic but he does have a problem with alcohol. He did something so incredibly nice for me during our last blizzard but he also brought up drinking at 6am. I didn't want to hear about that after I just worked the double from hell and had to double back and be at work at 3pm the same day. I gave him a hug and asked him to love himself a little more. I can't watch another loved one disappear into a bottle. It's just not in me, yet I care very much for him. He's an awesome person that was never loved the way he deserved to be loved. My eyes are wide open on this one because I've learned how to escape those dysfunctional patterns. Losing his friendship would break my heart but I can't allow any dysfunction back into an awesome life I've worked hard to create. One of my dearest friends was also an alcoholic. No surprise there huh. He and his wife and I have been friends since we were in our early 20's. He spiraled out of control with his alcoholism and wound up in jail because of it. His daughter wrote him a beautiful letter about how much he's hurting the family. Something clicked in him and after decades of heavy drinking he just stopped. That was 16 years ago I saw him and the whole family last night including grandchildren. I was the only non family member there yet I really am part of their family. What an honor it was for me to be sitting there at their dinner table. He brought out the letter that his daughter wrote to him over a decade ago. We all cried and I told him how proud I was of him for turning his life around. Sometimes these things have happy endings. I wish that for my new friend, although he hasn't unlocked that secret of not spinning his wheels in that self destructive rut his horrendous childhood has created for him. He lives in a little box all locked up tight so nobody can get in and hurt him again. It's terribly sad to me to be missing so much life. Time will tell where this friendship goes. I'm hoping for a happy ending because I think it could be a really awesome friendship.
You bring up a good point about tolerating negative behaviors from people due to dysfunctional childhoods because we've been conditioned to accept this. I've noticed this pattern in myself because I seem to attract those narcissist types. The old me tolerated way more than I should because I have a big heart and am strong. The new me is more assertive with a low tolerance for BS. However, I'm making a conscious effort to attract positive relationships in my life despite my trust issues.
I said "good riddance" to my father-in-law's 2nd wife after he died. She rivaled any of Disney's worst stepmothers! The way she treated my husband and his siblings..... I need to stop thinking about it before I get all riled up again! We hold out hope that karma will visit her one day.
I am forced to cut toxic people from my life several times a week, right here on City-Data. You know the types, they start a thread with a mild bit of controversy and a couple of pages later turn into raving lunatics. It just takes the enjoyment out of the thread, and I have to end the relationship.
because they think every response is a pesonal challenge. lol idk just a guess
Anybody having ANY difficulty getting folks out of your life - WATCH THIS (don't worry if you're not a Christian - his message is "The Gift of Goodbye" - when people can walk out of your life LET THEM WALK). Changed my life.
I used to cling tightly to people and situations, but after watching the above clip, I developed the "Gift of Goodbye". I have cut folks off MANY times. I decided that ANYBODY that is not bringing something positive to the table, is causing me too much stress or heartache, or doesn't make me happy is getting REMOVED. And I flat-out REFUSE to run after ANYBODY or chase ANYBODY down to love me/be my friend. Goodbye. I recently split with a group of friends I'd been tight with for about three years.
I believe that we're all toxic to someone and while you're busy cutting someone out of your life, someone may be avoiding you.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I saw him and the whole family last night including grandchildren. I was the only non family member there yet I really am part of their family. What an honor it was for me to be sitting there at their dinner table. He brought out the letter that his daughter wrote to him over a decade ago. We all cried and I told him how proud I was of him for turning his life around. Sometimes these things have happy endings. I wish that for my new friend, although he hasn't unlocked that secret of not spinning his wheels in that self destructive rut his horrendous childhood has created for him. He lives in a little box all locked up tight so nobody can get in and hurt him again. It's terribly sad to me to be missing so much life. Time will tell where this friendship goes. I'm hoping for a happy ending because I think it could be a really awesome friendship.
