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At any rate, without going into detail, something's happened recently to stir up the hurtful feelings again.
Can anyone relate to this situation? Just curious.
I think that can be one reason, another reason is that often the wife is the one who "makes the social calendar" and they are closer to their family than their husband's family.
While this did not happen my generation, my MIL bitterly complained that she tried very, very hard to give her children (my husband & his siblings) time with her husband's parents. The grandparents did many, many activities with the daughter's children but not their son's children. So my husband's cousins all have wonderful memories of sleepovers, pizza parties, cookie making, big birthday parties, vacations and extravagant Christmas gifts but my husband and his sibling do not have any of those memories from childhood (with their paternal grandparents). MY MIL, and her husband, tried hard to have an equal relationship with both sets of grandparents but, in their case, it was the grandparents would not allow it. BTW, my FIL certainly would not have been called "passive and non-confrontational."
Interestingly, once the pampered & spoiled grandchildren became teenagers they basically refused to have anything to do with their grandparents and guess what? Then the grandparents decided to spend time with their neglected grandchildren. Since, they were older (my hubby was then 25 & his siblings slightly younger) by then there were no sleepovers, pizza parties, cookie making and vacations with grandma & grandpa and certainly no big birthday parties or extravagant Christmas gifts. While, my husband and his siblings did try to build a relationship with them, it was too late for them to be very close. It was certainly the grandparent's loss.
PS. My children were close to both my parents and my husband's parents.
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-19-2015 at 06:40 PM..
We hear this on this forum fairly frequently. My story:
My in laws did not treat me respectfully or particularly nicely. We visited, but gradually did less. Our kids certainly knew them. We were never welcomed in any special way, our bedroom was unheated until we got here, food was prepared and served somewhat grudgingly. In contrast, my parents were welcoming to DH. Quite so. My mom particularly doted on him.
I do think it is wrong for wives to ignore, pick fights, or demean their inlaws. But I think plenty of them do. It is really a shame.
There's a phrase: A daughter is a daughter all her life, but a son is only a son until he takes a wife. It's very common for sons to be more involved with their wive's family.
I think that can be one reason, another reason is that often the wife is the one who "makes the social calendar" and they are closer to their family than their husband's family.
I have seen this occasionally and think this is the predominant reason it happens.
I have seen this occasionally and think this is the predominant reason it happens.
This happened with my brother and sister-in-law. She was very close to her parents and most of her siblings. They nearly always attended dinners, gatherings, parties hosted by them. Hit or miss if they'd show up at my parents house.
She didn't like them very much, so I knew that was going to happen.
In my case, my sister's husband's family is large and they have many events (weddings, reunions, etc.), so it's his side of the family that dominates. On our side of the family, it's only me. I'm the single "old maid" and seem to get overlooked. At holidays, my sister waits until nearly the very last minute to tell me whether I'm invited or not. She prioritizes what her husband and his family are doing and if they don't do anything then I get invited. I guess you could call it the leftovers. Last year, she waited until the Sunday before Thanksgiving (4 days) to tell me that I was invited. In the meantime I had tried to line up other plans with another single friend just in case she wasn't going to invite me. I would prefer to be with her but if I can't be with her, I would like to have some other plans. I could even go on a trip. Also my work schedule is involved, because I have to request time off, and if it's too much at the last minute I might not get the time off. So her attitude about his family taking precedence over me really bothers me. My sister and I used to do everything together when we were kids and young adults. We each had other relationships but we made sure we kept our sisterly bond strong. My married friends all make sure that they invite their single siblings to join them during vacation for reunions in the summer (even for just a day or two) but my sister doesn't. They recently went to the beach for a week and didn't invite me. I think she could put her foot down and tell her husband that she wants to include her sister for a couple of days. I don't expect to crash their entire vacation but a couple of days would be nice. I would feel included. The way it is now, I feel pretty excluded.
OP - One thing that you didn't mention in your post was if you had a conversation with your brother about this.
If not, I would suggest doing so, but less along the lines of you post and more of a statement that you feel you two have drifted apart and you would like to become more involved in his life. I suggest this tactic as it would be unlikely to start any sense of your brother needing to feel defensive about his wife right off the bat,
To answer your question though about others experience - I have only indirectly. My brother's wife really lost contact with her brother due to her sister-in-laws domineering and pushing him away from his family. They rarely came to any large family event and when they did she always got them there late and made them leave early. They rarely had time for my brother and sister-in-laws children but were always taking her nephews and nieces from her siblings on outings. My sister in law grew more and more upset about it and she did talk to her brother about how she was feeling - unfortunately he reacted in defense of his wife and they grew further apart.
Brother's always been a pacifist. Mother used to tell the story of kids taking his toys away. He'd just reach for another toy. He couldn't be punished, because he was perfectly happy in time out. Sees only the best in everyone, ascribes only positive motives to anyone's actions, and says only, "I can't control other people." Very Zen (even before that was fashionable). I'd divorce anyone who treated my family like this, but that's just me!
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