Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
In my case, my sister's husband's family is large and they have many events (weddings, reunions, etc.), so it's his side of the family that dominates. On our side of the family, it's only me. I'm the single "old maid" and seem to get overlooked. At holidays, my sister waits until nearly the very last minute to tell me whether I'm invited or not. She prioritizes what her husband and his family are doing and if they don't do anything then I get invited. I guess you could call it the leftovers. Last year, she waited until the Sunday before Thanksgiving (4 days) to tell me that I was invited. In the meantime I had tried to line up other plans with another single friend just in case she wasn't going to invite me. I would prefer to be with her but if I can't be with her, I would like to have some other plans. I could even go on a trip. Also my work schedule is involved, because I have to request time off, and if it's too much at the last minute I might not get the time off. So her attitude about his family taking precedence over me really bothers me. My sister and I used to do everything together when we were kids and young adults. We each had other relationships but we made sure we kept our sisterly bond strong. My married friends all make sure that they invite their single siblings to join them during vacation for reunions in the summer (even for just a day or two) but my sister doesn't. They recently went to the beach for a week and didn't invite me. I think she could put her foot down and tell her husband that she wants to include her sister for a couple of days. I don't expect to crash their entire vacation but a couple of days would be nice. I would feel included. The way it is now, I feel pretty excluded.
Does she talk about these types of events around you before they happen and leave you out? If I wasn't invited to a family gathering like TG within a couple weeks, I'd make other plans-especially if she's left you out of such gatherings before. Line up those plans with a single friend. Go on that trip. Sounds like she's being pretty disrespectful in leaving you out.
I just wouldn't want to deal with the stress over whether I'm invited to a FAMILY gathering or not. If I got left out once and it wasn't a huge accident somehow, I would just make plans during all such gatherings. Leaving a close family member out of something like that is messed up, and so are the people that would allow her to do that without heavily and consistently criticizing her.
I'm just talking about local family get togethers, not vacations as you also mentioned.
I'm not owed anything, but I do believe in honoring your father and mother if they've done nothing to deserve such treatment... I hurt more for them than for myself. "Deliberate cruelty is not forgivable."
I have maintained an amicable relationship with my brother, as he can't help being who he is and you really just can't stay mad at him. My brother and I actually cared for my mother during her last years; the SIL, although unemployed, never raised a finger to help or even called or visited. The Thanksgiving after her passing (just a few weeks later), I ate a frozen turkey dinner home alone, as I wasn't invited.
Think I'll ever NOT make alternative plans for another "family" holiday? Nope! Take back your power.
Is it the case that may be you liked his previous girlfriend more and compared them mentally? If she felt that vibe then probably as a reserved person, she was never able to try to take that place and instead she decided to keep enough distance to avoid the stress of living up to unfair expectations.
May be her family was more welcoming to your brother than yours was to her ? Instead of analyzing or resenting past, extend a hand of unconditional friendship to them. It may help you restore your relationship with your brother and gradually, you'll gain her trust as well. Just expecting her to mold her personality and life to meet your ideal version of her, clearly isn't the way to build a bridge. By the way, your parents were a responsibility of you and your brother, not hers and you can't hold that grudge. It would be nice if she helped her husband but that's between them, their marital life is none of your business. This Cold War between your family and her, is probably a source of tension in their lives as well. Rise above petty issues for your brother's sake.
I'm not sure how she "felt that vibe" before she even met us, as she didn't even want to meet us... The minute she did, she was cold and rejecting... But thanks for blaming the victim! And it's true that she was under no legal obligation to extend any kindness and concern during or after my mother's passing; merely a moral one, which is not enforceable. For the record, we were thrilled that my brother had found someone else and welcomed her with open arms; the subsequent and continual rejection in favor of her own family completely blindsided us.
I did answer the question, and it's embedded in your quote. His response is that he can't control her or anyone else... Which, sadly, is true enough! I, however, would choose not to be with such a person. He, however, isn't a strong person and wouldn't do well on his own.
Sorry - I thought you were just still describing him/his personality. It really didn't read like you actually took him aside and talked to him about wanting to be closer. My apologies.
I'm going to offer an insight/observation btw. I can't tell if the animosity you feel towards her is solely in regards to feeling of your family being slighted or not, but you seem to hold her (in every post) in extreme disdain. Do you think that could be apparent to your brother and her?
I'm not sure how she "felt that vibe" before she even met us, as she didn't even want to meet us... The minute she did, she was cold and rejecting... But thanks for blaming the victim! And it's true that she was under no legal obligation to extend any kindness and concern during or after my mother's passing; merely a moral one, which is not enforceable. For the record, we were thrilled that my brother had found someone else and welcomed her with open arms; the subsequent and continual rejection in favor of her own family completely blindsided us.
have you ever tried to unemotionally speak with her about this, in front of him?
Instead of saying this or that, saying, this hurts me when?
Sorry - I thought you were just still describing him/his personality. It really didn't read like you actually took him aside and talked to him about wanting to be closer. My apologies.
I'm going to offer an insight/observation btw. I can't tell if the animosity you feel towards her is solely in regards to feeling of your family being slighted or not, but you seem to hold her (in every post) in extreme disdain. Do you think that could be apparent to your brother and her?
Again, it's the chicken-and-egg argument... I can only assure you that I was thrilled at the prospect of having a "sister" and was taken aback by her complete disinterest in having anything to do with us. Do I hold her in high regard for the pain she's long caused my family? No, I don't. Does it show? Probably.
As for speaking "unemotionally" about something so emotional, that would probably be impossible.
To reiterate, I'm not really seeking a solution (it is what it is); I just wondered how common this was.
I'm not sure how she "felt that vibe" before she even met us, as she didn't even want to meet us... The minute she did, she was cold and rejecting... But thanks for blaming the victim! And it's true that she was under no legal obligation to extend any kindness and concern during or after my mother's passing; merely a moral one, which is not enforceable. For the record, we were thrilled that my brother had found someone else and welcomed her with open arms; the subsequent and continual rejection in favor of her own family completely blindsided us.
There is only one victim in this situation and that's your brother. If you wanted his peace of mind and good health then you would rise and be a part of the solution, instead of playing a martyr and holding old grudges. I know that this is a bitter pill but if you need a cure then take it, bite the bullet, be the kind and unconditionally loving person, you want her to be. Otherwise, live your life and let them live theirs.
Again, it's the chicken-and-egg argument... I can only assure you that I was thrilled at the prospect of having a "sister" and was taken aback by her complete disinterest in having anything to do with us. Do I hold her in high regard for the pain she's long caused my family? No, I don't. Does it show? Probably.
I'm so sorry your going thru this, b/c when your family hurts you hurt....
wish there were something you could do....
There is only one victim in this situation and that's your brother. If you wanted his peace of mind and good health then you would rise and be a part of the solution, instead of playing a martyr and holding old grudges.
Really, it doesn't bother him... His wife is happy to have nothing to do with us (now, me), his mother didn't hold his feet to the fire over it, we continue to maintain an amicable relationship, and it doesn't worry him that I have no family. So it's all good!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
For the record, we were thrilled that my brother had found someone else and welcomed her with open arms; the subsequent and continual rejection in favor of her own family completely blindsided us.
