Favoritism for Wife's Family (dynamics, dysfunctional, money, girlfriend)
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There's a phrase: A daughter is a daughter all her life, but a son is only a son until he takes a wife. It's very common for sons to be more involved with their wive's family.
It certainly is...and also because of the "social calendar" thing that women do - so THAT is the fault of the son's to abdicate THEIR part in that responsibility.
Guess it means that people should try to have sons AND daughters because it's the daughter that will stick with them, more likely. Don't just dote on your sons, they're fickle and will do whatever their wives arrange/ put in front of them.
It certainly is...and also because of the "social calendar" thing that women do - so THAT is the fault of the son's to abdicate THEIR part in that responsibility.
Guess it means that people should try to have sons AND daughters because it's the daughter that will stick with them, more likely. Don't just dote on your sons, they're fickle and will do whatever their wives arrange/ put in front of them.
Or, just teach sons to take responsibility for their own social calendar and relationships from an early age. Model it in the marriage for the sons to see, and involve them in things like helping choose gifts for family members' birthdays, Mother's/Father's Day, etc. Talk to them about how/why holidays are split between the sides of the family. Talk about the importance of actively building and maintaining relationships and how to do that. Even things like helping them learn to arrange social events with their friends, or having them plan and set up parties and teaching them to be a good host can help with it.
How many husbands expect their wives to arrange all social events (with friends, both sides of the family, children's social events like playdates and parties for classmates, etc.)? How many want input from their wives in choosing gifts for their side of the family, or expect her to choose and wrap them all entirely on her own? My husband didn't, so obviously not all are like that. We arranged our social events together (with neither having more say than the other), and he chose gifts for his family and friends on his own (though sometimes he asked what I thought of an idea for a gift).
But I certainly grew up seeing most men turn over all of that to their wives. My own dad never bought the gifts for his me, his parents, siblings, neices, and nephews when I was growing up. He pretty much found out what someone got when the presents were opened in front of him. Same goes for holidays and get-togethers. My mom was expected to call his parents and find out holiday plans, or plan for them to attend his neice's birthday party, or arrange card night with their friends. All of the men I knew growing up were like this. I think that's slowly changing to some extent, but there's some holdover from back then. Some men still expect the wife to take the main responsibility for maintaining all the relationships in their lives, including the ones with his own family.
It is easier to blame women For shortcomings of one's sons and their upbringing. We are as capable of taking care of our parents or connecting with our siblings as women are. It is not their responsibility to take care of our families, they should be polite and friendly but their real responsibilities are towards their own parents. Families should be accepting and welcoming to spouses of their children if they want new person to feel like a member of the family. My SIL took such good care of my parents because they took her in as their own.
I feel bad for your parents - maybe for everyone involved. My parent was sort of evil so I was okay with her not being in the picture.
One thing that occurred to me, if we want pictures of us hung on others' walls, we need to send framed pictures. Then they can hang them up when we come over.
We did... They didn't...
"I can't think of one time my extended family or my husband's extended family were invited to each other's parent's homes. we never mixed families."
Not their parents' homes; their own home (confusion). We actually did get together often with the last girlfriend's mother and had a great time, but my SIL "didn't think it would be a good idea" for their parents to mingle. SMH!
And, again, for those who insist that it's my brother who secretly doesn't want anything to do with us, I again refer to you the former girlfriend (he only had the two serious relationships, which I why I'm continually forced to bring her up for comparison purposes on this thread), who wanted them to spend ALL their time with us -- and they did, quite happily. So nice try, but that's not it.
It's not an easy call. If you ignore the rudeness and behave as you should yourself, continuing to play nice, you look and feel stupid and "teach them how to treat you (badly)." If you confront and react with understandable hurt and anger, you're causing a problem and interfering. If you simply withdraw because you see the writing on the wall and to protect your heart, the resulting distance becomes your fault. Really, you just can't win in this situation! Thanks, sister-in law.
At any rate, I'm in agreement with the "accept what you can't change" advice, FWIW.
Last edited by otterhere; 08-23-2015 at 07:29 AM..
I think a lot of these types of things fall under the category of "it is what it is." For some, family is a given some it isn't. But, even then who in this family is a given? Parents, cousins, siblings, in-laws? People draw lines and people define what they desire. Some people only focus on their immediate family and on nothing outside that while others know their third cousins very well. Me personally I made it a point to get to know a large portion my family, but one I get to 2nd and 3rd cousins there has to be a "reason" for communication. Some don't see a "point" in communicating with this person or that person. That desire has to be there. Family really is what you make of it and it's a two way street.
At any rate, without going into detail, something's happened recently to stir up the hurtful feelings again.
Can anyone relate to this situation? Just curious.
I can relate. I too had a situation that stirred up some feelings recently. Thanks in advance for letting me vent on your thread.
My SIL is very controlling and has problems. My brother started seeing her in high school and the first time I met her something seemed off. My mom had mentioned my brother was pretty serious about a girl and that the girl was going to cook dinner at the house and I should come over. I was taken aback about this girl's territorial presence. She took over the kitchen and told us to wait in the living room with something to drink while she finished up. This was odd as we were not the type to have drinks in the living room, we would have just hung out in the kitchen but my mom wanted to appease this young girl. During dinner she was aloof and I instantly got the vibe she didn't like me. She would eye me heavily when I spoke and made little faces to herself. It was an awkward evening. I didn't think much too more about it as I figured it's a high school relationship, it more than likely won't last. Wrong.
Over the years my brother became more engrained in her family. When she came to our holiday get togethers, they stayed briefly and she would make comments about how her family did things. It wasn't just describing her childhood memories, it was more of a tone that we didn't do things correctly. My brother and her moved into together and all they did was argue. They would break up, move out, get back together, recycle. By this time we started to get to know her family somewhat because they got together for everything. One thing my brother and SIL did like to do, was entertain. I noticed her family was much more comfortable at my brother's apartment than we were. It was beginning of being on the outs.
They finally got married in their late 20's. Very long courtship, living together, not living together. We were not included in the wedding planning and at one point, my SIL didnt even want my mother anywhere near the head table. My brother did put his foot down on that, one small gesture I can think of. When they had their first child, again it was all about her family. I blame my brother for the increased cut off though. Sometimes we were forgotten when it came to the birthday parties and this hurt my mom quite a bit. Or we would get a last minute call from him that the party was going to take place that day.
The only time I really got close to my brother and my SIL, is when I was asked to babysit their kids over a summer. I was surprised my SIL even would allow such a thing but I agreed. I thought it would be great for me to get to know my nieces and for my child to know his cousins. That turned into a nightmare. Right away she was very critical of everything I did. The oldest child was defiant and she would say things to me like. "My mommy said I don't have to listen to you." or "My mommy told my grandma that you are not a very good babysitter." One thing I knew about my SIL, she was very open about talking in front of the kids. Im sure she was complaining about me to her mother on a regular basis. I have no idea why my SIL dislikes me so much other than one piece of info she told my mother a few times. She said she finds herself getting jealous because I have a perfect life. No one is perfect and I have gone out of way to be kind to her even when she was rude to me. She decided long ago not to like me and makes up things as the years go on.
I moved out to state a few years later and never really got to know the kids. I would see pics on Facebook and so forth. When I came to town, my brother and SIL were always with her family. I pretty much figured I wouldn't know my brother's kids at all and accepted it. Then about 3 yrs ago, my mom told me they were getting divorced. It took almost 2 yrs to finalize because my SIL wanted full custody and made up all sorts of allegations about my brother that weren't true. So they were back in and out of court, home visits and all sorts of things. She told the court my mother was too old be alone with the kids and she was a danger to them. It was crazy. During this time my SIL made horrible posts on Facebook about my brother so I deleted her. I didnt need to see that crap. She never made a comment on anything I posted and really to even sure why she sent me a request in the first place. My brother finally got his life on track, has joint custody and starting to live his life. Now I hear my SIL is sniffing around again. She snoops through his stuff when she picks up the kids, worried he is seeing someone. She wants to know where his money is going and so on. She calls him in the middle of the night crying that she never really wanted a divorce (she initiated it and refused to go to counseling when my brother asked). Now I hear they are spending more time together confusing the heck out of the kids.
So what got all these feelings stirred up again for me is that my oldest niece sent me a friend request on Facebook. I was surprised and accepted. I figured that since her parents divorced maybe she was becoming more interested in her dad's side of the family. Only a few weeks later I noticed she wasnt on my friend list anymore. She not only deleted me but blocked me as well. Kind of overkill. I am the only one in the family she blocked. I know its only Facebook but why send me a request and then block me? I figured my ex-SIL probably went into her settings and did it but who knows. I mentioned it to my mother and she has no idea why I was blocked. She asked my brother, he has a Facebook but pretty clueless about it. He said it must be some sort of mistake. Whatever.
My brother decided a couple of months ago he wanted to come visit me with the kids. First time ever since I moved away. It was all planned. He was hours late showing up and he told me that my ex-SIL showed up unannounced as they were leaving. She suggested they do something as a family, so the kids got all riled up and didnt want to come. Then she mentioned that maybe she could come along. My brother told her not this time (he starting to kiss her arse again) and finally got the kids in the car. I arranged for them to stay at a local resort thinking it would be more fun but the oldest complained it was boring and stupid. She barely gave me eye contact and sat most of the time in their room or in the car playing on her phone. The younger child looked cautious with me and didnt say much. It was an odd visit. Apparently the oldest did check in on Facebook because my mom who is so eager for my brother to be part of the family again, went on about how my niece made posts on Facebook while she was here. Great, I didnt see any of it. Im blocked, remember? The whole situation got on my nerves and I feel like I was just better off not being involved at all.
In my case, my sister's husband's family is large and they have many events (weddings, reunions, etc.), so it's his side of the family that dominates. On our side of the family, it's only me. I'm the single "old maid" and seem to get overlooked. At holidays, my sister waits until nearly the very last minute to tell me whether I'm invited or not. She prioritizes what her husband and his family are doing and if they don't do anything then I get invited. I guess you could call it the leftovers. Last year, she waited until the Sunday before Thanksgiving (4 days) to tell me that I was invited. In the meantime I had tried to line up other plans with another single friend just in case she wasn't going to invite me. I would prefer to be with her but if I can't be with her, I would like to have some other plans. I could even go on a trip. Also my work schedule is involved, because I have to request time off, and if it's too much at the last minute I might not get the time off. So her attitude about his family taking precedence over me really bothers me. My sister and I used to do everything together when we were kids and young adults. We each had other relationships but we made sure we kept our sisterly bond strong. My married friends all make sure that they invite their single siblings to join them during vacation for reunions in the summer (even for just a day or two) but my sister doesn't. They recently went to the beach for a week and didn't invite me. I think she could put her foot down and tell her husband that she wants to include her sister for a couple of days. I don't expect to crash their entire vacation but a couple of days would be nice. I would feel included. The way it is now, I feel pretty excluded.
So if your SIL decided to invite you at the last minute, you would cancel plans you made with friends?
Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere
Not the case here, but nice try! Obviously, the grandmother who gets the month-long visits several times a year with frequent contact in between is going to have more toys lying around than the grandmother who only sees them twice a year, birthday and Christmas, for an hour, but it's the old chicken-and-egg argument.
Then there's the popular position today that the grandmother who spends the most loves the most...
I don't think your parents deserved the treatment they received just for the record. However, I do think the person who "spends" the most does at least get a chance for a better relationship. "Spending" doesn't necessarily have to mean spending lots of money either. It can mean spending time thinking about how best to spend that one hour you have with your grandchildren you may not see for a long time. If that means getting some toys for that one time, that is what I would do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere
Interesting observation, and no doubt true. It raises an interesting question. Given that women are naturally closer to their own mothers and sons naturally aren't ("until he takes a wife" and all that) -- and if we also agree that most men let their wives arrange the couple's social lives -- does it behoove the wife to make an effort to achieve fairness between the two sets of parents, all else being equal? I know that my own mother went the extra mile to be inclusive and welcoming to her MIL for the sake of her husband, children, and just out of simple common courtesy and kindness, and I believe I would.
Opinions?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Georgianbelle
I noticed that none of the mother-in-laws have told us what kind of relationship they had with their own mother-in-law.
I think it depends on the person. There are some people who have the ability to form a very close relationship with another that they feel everyone else is an outsider. I don't form very close bonds to the point that new people can't feel close to me.
"I don't think your parents deserved the treatment they received just for the record. However, I do think the person who "spends" the most does at least get a chance for a better relationship. "Spending" doesn't necessarily have to mean spending lots of money either. It can mean spending time thinking about how best to spend that one hour you have with your grandchildren you may not see for a long time. If that means getting some toys for that one time, that is what I would do."
I don't believe it should be a competition to see which set of grandparents is the wealthiest, youngest, most fun, or most willing to spoil the grandchildren (although I realize that a lot of them do "buy" their grandchildrens' love these days). The responsible -- and normal -- parent will encourage relationships with ALL of the grandparents and other extended family members as equally as possible... More love...
For the record, we DID keep toys on hand. On the few occasions they did come (again, briefly), they brought their own and ignored the ones that were already there, instead huddling in a corner - the mother and kids, far away from Grandma - with their own preferred toys. We even MADE them toys (stuffed animals and dollhouses); rejected...
But I'm sure that was our fault, too!
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The whole situation got on my nerves and I feel like I was just better off not being involved at all.
