She stays with a toxic man and I do not care to listen anymore! (personality, alcoholic)
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It is hard to sit back and watch a loved get used and abused. Your DH needs to have a honest stern talk with her about how much he loves and cares about her and convince her to kick that bum out and that he will stand with her and provide moral support. Make it clear to her if she keeps enabling the "bf" neither him or you want to hear another word about it. I hope she has her will in order where the bf can't touch it.
I know it is upsetting and annoying to you to hear your mother in law discussing her relationship with her boyfriend; that said, think of it from her perspective. She is in her 50's; she looks pretty but her looks are waning; what are her chances of finding someone? Maybe her boyfriend keeps telling her that she'll never find anyone else.
It's always easier to judge a relationship when you are not in it. To you, it is simple: dump him. To her, it's a future alone. And it sounds like she's been down that road already, as her boyfriend is not your husband's father.
You should consider building up her self-esteem. Take her shopping and tell her how pretty she is; make a female bonding time with her. Maybe she has no real friends, or they've all bailed. Which only gives her boyfriend more control over her. If you want to have a closer relationship with her because you actually care about her well being, then take her shopping and try on clothes with her; take her to lunch. Build her up. When she mentions her boyfriend, try to tell her that she's too good for him. That you think he's taking advantage of her. And she still has much to give in the relationship department to someone else. She's got good years left! Why is she wasting them on this guy who is treating her like crap and taking advantage of her. She will probably tell you she's in love with him or she's afraid of being alone. Whatever. Just continue to tell her how great SHE is.
If you are not that close to her, nor do you wish to be, then ask your husband to do take Mom out to lunch, etc. Make her feel special. Tell her how beautiful she is, etc. Build up her self-esteem. When she starts to talk about her boyfriend, then he should say something like I mentioned you should do.
But do not stop speaking to her, regardless of her decision. Imagine if she stopped talking to you and your husband because she didn't want to hear about your illnesses, your kids, your pets, your past, anything. Wouldn't that hurt you? Build the woman up. Don't tear her down more. Her boyfriend is already doing a great job of that.
We have no plans on confronting him, but deeply disappointed she is staying with this person. It is to the point she is unpleasant to visit because she wants to talk about him and their problems. I will just sit there and nod my head then. I have no other input to give her.
1) Don't be disappointed. She picked him and on some level and she is the same as him and just as dysfunctional as him. Don't make your mother-in-law out to be the innocent party being victimized by the evil boyfriend. She is fully 100% making the choice to stay, and she deserves EXACTLY what she settles for and embraces.
2) It's completely none of your business. Stay out of it, and do not listen to the topic if it is brought up: "Mom, I love you, but I will not listen to a single word about your relationship with your boyfriend. If you talk about him, I will say goodbye and hang up." Then absolutely deliver on the promise and the second his name comes up say: "Mom I love you, but I have to go now", then hang up on her.
3) Do not visit when he is there, and if he never leaves, never visit. Go out with your MIL alone for a visit, provided she doesn't discuss the loser and knows the ground rules.
Your MIL will not change, and will not leave him, and even is she does, she will find another broken loser to hang with because she doesn't view herself as deserving any better. Accept the reality. Which you sort of already have, having observed in yourself a loss of respect for her. Which is justified. At her age, it will not change, and she will die in this state. It's just reality. And there is no point in you diverting attention from your own family to deal with this nonsense. Your MIL is a bit of a loser, and that's just the way it is. Accept it, move on, and limit contact with the drama.
''Mom, make a tape...when you call just press play ...because
it's the same old thing...another decade same old thing.
Look I gotta go...when you get outta this cycle call me...I'll text
the number of a good therapist...5 xs and you will really be helped."
...along those lines...add whatever you'd like....
I'll never understand how people could possibly stand
to function in a dysfunctional and abusive relationship, I really don't.
That's because you have high self esteem and value yourself, good!
Others are not so lucky, usually from childhood abuse of some sort.
It isn't so easy without help to re-program the subconscious beliefs.
NewYorker11356: It's because the abuser tears down the self esteem of the victim and convinces the victim how lucky he/she is to have the abuser. The victim makes excuses for the abuser because the abuser makes excuses for himself. It generally starts with something either small, like a temper tantrum of throwing objects or the abuser criticizing the victim's looks, intelligence, something personal. The tantrum will be the victim's fault some how, and not seem like such a big deal. Then it escalates into some horrible thing of violence or verbal abuse. Sometimes it's a total shock. And the victim doesn't know how to respond. Then the abuser says how sorry he/she is; maybe even cries and tries to make up for it; makes promises it will never happen again; the abuser tells the victim he/she loves the victim. The victim believes the abuser should be forgiven because the abuser didn't really mean it; he/she will change, etc. etc. etc.
Some people can change, but talk is cheap. If their actions don't change, they are just the same. If you're blinded by love, you can't see that all the hope in the world won't change that person.
"Oh he treats you like ****? Would you like to try this bean dip I made?"
If she gets mad tell her "we are done listening, you need to leave or stop complaining, we are here for you if you decid you are worth more than to be with an abusive person."
Seriously I'd also suggest she go to therapy to ask herself why she'd stay in an abusive relationship.
This is tougher than it seems. As someone who found myself in an abusive relationship after blithely believing it would never happen to me, I can tell you that there is a subtle degradation that happens over time that you almost don't even see coming. If she has never been in an abusive relationship before, the same thing may have happened. Love is a funny and sometimes insidious thing- it causes you to see the best in someone, regardless of how they treat you. And understand that this happens in ALL relationships- you are always gonna overlook the little annoyances during the honeymoon period. And then the subtle putdowns happen, and sometimes they even couch them in terms that makes it seem like they are trying to be helpful, or showing some sort of insight that perhaps you can't have subjectively, and so on. And then it gets worse, but your confidence level begins to drop, and so on, and so on.
The thing is- you can't write her out of your life simply because she is a bad relationship. The more isolated she becomes the worse it is gonna be for her. I know it isn't easy sitting and listening to someone moan about the same stuff over and over again, but she has to have someone to turn to, or else it will get worse. Trust me on this. Certainly her confidence is shot, and that is how these types take you over. And I can state unequivocally that it can happen to ANY woman. Yeah, I know, I thought i was such a macho broad who could see creeps coming from 30 paces, and I was in my mid-thirties before this guy slipped in under my radar. The very fact that something like that could happen to me would sometimes make me think I truly was worthless, that I had been no better than all the other women I had pitied and even pilloried. I don't think anything can make a woman feel more alone than being in an abusive relationship. So make sure she knows she can ALWAYS turn to you, but that it is very frustrating for you to keep hearing the same things when nothing changes. And make sure you tell her, "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results". That was the mantra that finally got my head out of my bottom. What he is doing is serious, its abuse, and it will only get worse. Good luck.
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