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i like my friend. She's a sweet woman who's a hero in so many ways as she is a children's nurse in a hospital. She often times tries very hard or even too hard to have fun and to get people to like her. I know for a fact she does not like herself, I have tried in many ways to tell her she's a good person and it no doubt helps temporarily but I am not the type to just throw compliments out constantly.
The problems.. She goes in complete mood swings that are hard to know when or why they are coming and the smallest things will set them off. For example, a pizza we got wasn't to her liking and she cried half of the evening hiding from me at a baseball game most of the evening showing pictures of herself to other friends of mine (who do not live near here). And ragging on me how terrible I am.. Do I deserve a little blame? Probably, but why couldn't she just communicate with me and we deal with it instead of this? To add to that she drinks to escape. During this evening she got so drunk she lost her car keys in the ballpark somewhere. So I am concerned she will eventually hurt herself or others with drunk driving and its implications. There are times she expects me to go do things with her and sometimes I am not in the mood for it or have other plans and I get a very depressing message about it. It's very tough to deal with but she has basically told me I am one of the best things to ever happen to her and she is horrifies by the thought of me leaving here. We are not even romantic in nature as our sexual orientations would not work but I really wonder at times if she expects me to fill some void in that nature.. What would you do if you were in this situation? I have told her at times but not tons to see a therapist. Get on different medications. Try to not hate herself, realize she is a great person but when she acts like his, nobody will deal with it or stay around (but me apparently)
You need to be up front with her. Tell her that she needs to get help for her depression and the drinking. She needs to first start with a visit to her primary care physician. Offer to go with her to the appointment to give her moral support. If she rebuffs you, you can do one of the following; 1) end the friendship; or 2) tell her that if she decides to make that first step, she can call you but until she agrees to do so, you are going to step back and not hang out with her.
My brother was a depressive who self-medicated with alcohol, tobacco and pot. He didn't take kindly to being told that he needed to stop self-medicating. When I was met with that reaction from him, I backed off. My SIL once was talking to me about his self-medicating and he overheard her. Needless to say, he wasn't happy. She told him that we were both concerned about him and he needed to see the doctor. She tried by making appointments for him but he would cancel them
Should you offer to go with her if she makes a doctor's appointment, it may give her the push to get started on healing. However, in the end, it's her decision as to what to do.
Her behavior is unacceptable. You never have to put up with that, once you become an adult. She's a trainwreck who will gladly take you along for the ride.
I highly suggest that you tell her the relationship isn't working for you, as there's too much drama with her, and you sincerely hope she gets some help. Then say a prayer for her, and let her go.
And if she calls you up saying she's going to kill herself, tell her that you are going to hang up now and call the police to go check on her.
I had a friend like this, and when I started fading away from her, she amped up the drama and called threatening to kill herself. I would run over and sit up with her. This just fed the drama. I finally called a crisis line after she called me, and they advised me to stop participating and to call the cops to go check on her. I did, and she answered the door to the cops, completely calm, saying she was fine. She had been completely hysterical and out of control when she called me.
Then she called me and lost it on me for calling the cops. I told her what the crisis therapist (they transferred me to a licensed clinician) suggested I tell her. "I'm not qualified to help you, so from now on if you call me saying you are going to hurt yourself, I'm going to call people who are qualified to go help you."
Your friend loves your friendship because you are participating in the drama and enabling her to continue her bad behavior with you. Unless you're having a good time, I suggest you sever the friendship. Expect her to amp up the drama when you do. And have a plan ready, such as simply not taking her calls, or sending the cops to check on her. She'll quit calling you. And if she ever does kill herself, it won't be your fault.
Remember, this person has been living on the planet a long time without knowing you. Let her go back to doing what she did before you came along. Say a prayer for her, advise her to get help, but let her go, is my advice.
It was a good thing she lost her keys since she was so drunk.
Could be a couple of things.....her dependence on alcohol--really, you don't know who the heck your friend truly is and can be when she is drinking. Bad news and will only get worse, I'm afraid.
She also sounds like a friend I had a while back and was told it sounded like she was borderline....crazy about me one minute, than raking me over the coals if I was not available everytime she wanted me to be. I even thought she may have more of an interest in me than friendship as it just was so obsessive with calls/texts all the time and if I didn't answer them right away, more raking.
Good luck with her. I couldn't handle the stress and had to "break it off" with my friend several months ago. She and I still run into each other every now and then and I am cordial.
I am still looking for a good dog to keep me company. I haven't had much luck with men or friends
I had a close friend who developed a drinking problem. I tried to continue the friendship for a while and to support her efforts to stop drinking, but in the end I had to watch out for myself and my children and end what had become a toxic relationship.
Sometimes that's what has to happen. Your friendship with this woman sounds like the kind of friendship designed to prevent you from having any relationships outside of this friendship, and that's not the sign of a healthy relationship.
Call your local Al-Anon hotline, or if there is no local, look for the national hotline (sorry, I don't have the number). There are tried and true techniques for dealing with someone (reasonably) close to you that drinks excessively.
Establishing better boundaries comes to mind. If you know she's going out primarily to drink -i.e., get drunk - refuse to go along. Pull her car keys if you must, or call the cops if she gets behind the wheel while under the influence. She could kill innocent people while driving drunk.
Otherwise, you can try making a list of all the adverse ways her drinking affects you - use the form, "When you had eight drinks at Joe's last Saturday, you came onto Mary's husband, fell down twice, got mad at Harry, and finally threw up and passed out. When you woke up, you couldn't understand why no one else thought it was funny. On Sunday, you were hung over and you yelled at me and said I should have known to stop you, then you told me to go to hell, then you started crying and didn't stop for five hours. You said you were a terrible person and no one liked you and you might as well be dead."
"When you behave in these ways, it makes me angry and confused and embarrassed. I am concerned about you and think you need to stop drinking, and I want to help you do that".
Find out about AA meetings and detox and/or 28 day programs ahead of time. Be prepared to end your relationship with this woman, at least temporarily, and let her know that you care for her but can't tolerate the stress and abuse her behavior causes you, so you are distancing yourself until things change. It might be a good idea to enlist others who are close to her - good friends, family members, coworkers - and have an intervention with more than just you. You might also want to make a list of the bad behaviors which result from her drinking and how they make you feel and how much trouble they cause you - keep a copy and give her a copy.
Good luck. You can help set the scene, but only she can make the decision, ultimately. Take care of yourself meanwhile.
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