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I agree with those that have said you probably did hurt his feelings even though it was unintentional. 12 is certainly old enough to remember something like that. Even in middle age I recall instances of hurt feelings at that age.
You also seemed some excellent advice on apologizing and seem to be amenable to it. Good for you!
You sound like a caring person with your concern about your brother. The "good" news is that Billy's father is open to having your brother in Billy's life. It sounds as if both enjoy this time. I wouldn't worry too much about what the teen years will bring. There will be plenty of activities in a teens life that your brother can watch, etc. It will change, but I suspect your brother has given Billy a wonderful gift of fantastic memories with a loving grandparent.
It does sound as if you don't think of your brother as Billy's grandfather since his mother was adopted. Your brother certainly is the boy's grandfather though in all ways except biology.
Oh, I realize that. But it's odd in that there is no longer any close connection between our family and Billy's family, since the biological mother is out of the picture. In other words, Billy's parents have a baby, now. My brother likes to call himself the baby's grandfather, but he is not. Other people in Billy's family have mentioned that, as well, which hurt my brother. He is an ex-father-in-law to Billy's father. It's odd and awkward.
I'm a long distance aunt. Nothing more. I didn't have close relationships with my aunts, esp. the ones who lived out of town. If Billy were in need of an aunt, maybe I'd make more efforts in that direction. But he has lots of local aunts who spend regular time with the family because all the cousins are close. They all have kids. So....
I worry about my brother because he's TOO fixated on his grandson. At one time Billy's parents moved out of state. My brother drove long hours in the snow to go up there regularly, and planned on moving there to be near Billy. I warned him to be careful about doing that, since they are young, and they will probably move again. Sure enough, they moved back to their hometown. I think in a way my brother uses Billy as a crutch or excuse not to make adult friends. It's not healthy to have no friends and be fixated on the children in the family. This shows he needs love and attention, but he won't even make an effort to make friends. But it is hard for grown older men to make friends. I mean, it's not like they hang out at a watering hole. My brother doesn't drink or play golf, etc.
Yes, I remember having my feelings hurt by an adult when I was a teen. I still remember it.
Your brother loves him like a son...and is thrilled with him. Be thankful that you are cut from the same cloth - integrity. You integrity wants to explain your feelings and his is to care for an abandoned child his drug addict daughter dumped on him like trash. Makes me mad...and here you've miscarried several times. Perhaps resentment?
If I were you let it go except invite them to do something and include/engage Billy in an adult conversation. At that age they are very interesting and amusing.
Don't beat yourself up but try a little harder because they are an extension of you.
Good luck!
I guess I gave the wrong impression of the boy's circumstances. His mother (my brother's adopted daughter) abandoned him and the father when Billy was an infant. The dad is a great guy. Hard working, honest, loves his son like nobody's business. The dad married a wonderful young woman. A school teacher. She fell in love with Billy and has raised him as her own. She is the only mother Billy has known. They got the biological mother to sign away her parental rights, and the school teacher has adopted him. Billy's dad's family is large and full of kids, so Billy has lots of cousins. They see each other regularly and do a lot of things together. Billy seems very happy and well adjusted.
My brother isn't raising Billy, although he'd like to. My brother is pretty lonely since his divorce and retirement. He also had a special relationship with our grandpa. So my brother has put all his emotions and sense of legacy into Billy. He pays for things, takes him on frequent vacations, always goes to Billy's birthday parties, takes him out to eat, pays for school stuff, etc. He knows Billy isn't his kid, and abides by Billy's parents rules. We have warned our brother that soon Billy will not want to spend so much time with him, since he's entering his teens. So my brother would be prepared. He seems to understand, but we'll see. (I worry about my brother because he no adult friends. None. There's just Billy. So I think my brother uses Billy as a way to have a more fulfilling life, although there's no doubt he loves Billy bunches. My bro. has also tried to form close relationships with his nieces, but their mothers put a stop to that. He forms too much an attachment with the little ones. He wants to go to all their birthday parties, even if it's only for children, etc. My grandparents didn't come to all of our birthday parties. So my brother has put everything into Billy. He gets upset if Billy can't go on vacation or out to eat with him.)
It wasn't the TIME it took. But I do not regard children as adults, since they're not, and have almost no experience talking to kids. I suppose you can't relate. My interests are adult interests. I remember being a kid, and that's about all my knowledge of kids.
I also don't know Billy that well. I live in another state. I like him, but I can count the number of times I've seen him. I've never spoken to him on the phone before.
I suppose it was the way my brother put him on the phone without asking, so abruptly.
I also had other things on my mind and just wasn't in the mood. Still, I shouldn't have said what I did. My brother wasn't thinking. He thinks everyone is in love with Billy the same way he is.
It would be like me thrusting my dog at someone, assuming they'd see his awesomeness the same way I do. But some people aren't dog lovers.
Well my interests are adult interests as well. Look a couple of months ago I had to hear about Katy Perry from a 9 year old, I could care less about Katy Perry and would be hard pressed to name two of her songs, but I listened. It was the daughter of a friend, and no I don't have kids. It was important to her so I listened.
Sometimes we have to partake in conversations with people(and kids are people) on subjects that don't interest us or are foreign to us.
I do give you credit and you sound like a very decent person for feeling bad, but you are 60, it's not the first time you have been put in an awkward situation. Ever have someone put their dog on the phone so they can say hello? LOL....now that can be awkward but you still say hello.
Let it go Op- you're good- and have absolutely no reason to beat yourself up over something the kid probably didn't give a second thought to- heck my own mother has told me she has nothing to say to my kids ( her only 2 grandchildren) so why would you be expected to have something to say to a semi stranger.
If anything I'd be pissed at your brother for forcing the issue-. And whatever you do don't follow up with the card with 5 bucks in it- trust me 5 bucks to a 12 year old is like a quarter- Then that will start another whole issue of your brother telling Billy to call you to say thank you and Billy saying why do I have to call some old lady I don't even know to say thank you for a lousy 5 bucks- Trust me LET IT GO!!
Sometimes it isn't "kids" you don't want to talk to, it can be an adult OR a child who you have a hard time conversing with.
If you are like me, there are just certain people I have a hard time making conversation with. When I have to speak to them for whatever reason, it makes for long, uncomfortable silences.
ignore the incident... But, suck it up and be a better Great Auntie. Start doing things with your brother and Billy...You may find out you really will enjoy this..it would be good for all of you.
Tomorrow is not promised...your brother already knows this. He is providing love stability and a happy childhood filled with memories for his Grand son..too bad the rest of the family isn't.
re;miscarriages..see someone...it is the same grief and loss..you should deal with it, heal yourself....especially as you describe how it still negatively effects your life.
So the 12 year old could care less at this point. He does not care that you did not want to talk to him. He did not want to talk to you either but was doing the "right thing" by taking the phone. Get over it, Billy has.
If the boy is used to being doted on by adults, it actually might have had a bigger impact. That and if I heard that at any age from a family member, especially if I was somewhat low of family like he is, I'd be hurt. I wouldn't brood on it but I would internalize it and think I was not likable to my aunt.
It doesn't sound like you're that close to Billy - you're mostly a voice on the phone to him, who primarily exists in the abstract. I had relatives like that at Billy's age and I have relatives like that now. It's fine as long as you're all okay with it.
When Billy heard you say "No, don't put Billy on the phone..." - it probably did hurt his feelings a bit, but likely just a bit and likely just for a minute. I'd be surprised if he's not long over it by now - possibly even forgotten it. If you were closer to him, a great-aunt who played more of a physical role in his life, then yes, it likely would sting and perhaps have lasting repercussions.
I like the card idea, and I like the idea of generally trying to make yourself a bit more comfortable talking to kids, but I really and truly wouldn't beat yourself up over this. Despite his deadbeat biological mom, it sounds like has mostly had a wonderful life with lots of loving and close-by relatives. It was a quick "oops" and a relatively minor one if you look at the big picture. Continuing to dwell on it will just make it seem worse and worse to you as time goes on.
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