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I'm about 60 years old. I have no kids. I don't like kids particularly, although I don't hate them. My brother, who is older, has a grandchild (I'll call him Billy). My brother is divorced, lives alone, and failed miserably with his adopted daughter that he raised (she's somewhere unknown, probably doing drugs, and abandoned Billy with his father when Billy was an infant).
My brother and I are very close. We speak on the phone a lot. He talks a lot about Billy. It is a concern in the family that he dotes on the boy too much, instead of getting out and making friends. It's Billy this, Billy that. He takes Billy on vacations.
Billy is about 12 and is a good kid. Very smart, adorable, cute, pretty well behaved if a little hyper.
Anyway, my brother called when he and Billy just got home from a Thanksgiving vacation somewhere. So we're chatting. My brother suddenly says, "Here, talk to Billy." I said quickly..."No, don't put Billy on the phone. I don't have anything to say except Happy Thanksgiving, and I ...." Anyway, unbeknownst to me, my brother had put Billy on the phone immediately w/o waiting for my response, and Billy heard me.
I said, "Billy? Happy Thanksgiving." He said, "Uh....Happy Thanksgiving" and handed the phone back to my brother. My brother asked him, "Is that all you have to say?" Billy said, "She doesn't want to talk." My brother got on the phone, and I repeated what I had said earlier but which my brother hadn't heard, "You shouldn't put Billy on the phone, Stan. I don't have anything to say."
I feel just horrible for having hurt Billy's feelings, I'm sure. I think it was wrong of my bro. for putting him on the phone like that so abruptly w/o asking me. I'm sure he thinks everyone is as enamored w/Billy as he is (like I am enamore w/my dogs). But I don't talk on the phone w/kids. I can't have a real conversation w/them. They're kids. All I could do is ask about the vacation they had, but my bro. had already told me everything.
Still, I wouldn't have hurt his feelings for the world. The problem is with me, of course. I live in a childless world. While I love my nieces and nephew, and Billy, my grand nephew, they don't call me and I don't call them. We don't have that kind of family, except for my brother and me. So I simply have no experience talking to kids on the phone. My brother loves little kids, so I'm sure he can't imagine someone else not feeling the same way.
Should I call Billy or my brother later and try to explain? Should I let it go?
I should also add that I have had multiple miscarriages, so over the years I just generally avoided children. I found that worked best for me.
Should I do something? I really do care for Billy. I hate the thought of hurting a child's feelings. (Just fyi, my brother and Billy have come to visit me several times, where we do things together. We always have a good time. But my brother is always present.)
I think you are missing out if you think you can't have a genuine conversation with a 12 year old. You might have asked Billy about his vacation and gotten a very different perspective than what you got from your brother.
Should you do something? I don't know. Ask Stan if Billy's feelings were hurt and, if they were, say you're sorry for having made him feel bad.
In the future, treat Billy more like a grown up than a child and you might be pleasantly surprised at the result.
Good luck. It says good things about you that you cared enough to ask.
Location: Los Angeles>Little Rock>Houston>Little Rock
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I understand your feelings because I hate talking on the phone especially when someone shoves it in you face and says "here, talk to so and so". My husband always did that to me with his mother.
Let it go. He is 12 and probably won't think about it again. If he does it will be short-lived.
Just let it go for now, but make sure you make an effort to ask hims something about his life next time you have the chance. Act like you're interested, even if it is a story you already heard.
Send Billy a greeting card with $5 inside and write
"This card reminded me of you; funny and smart! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings on the phone the other day when I asked your Grandpa not to put you on the phone. I apologize; I am not used to kids so I am shy sometimes with them. Perhaps you can help me practice talking to young people."
I feel for you, I don't know why people put someone on the phone like that (my mother did over Thanksgiving, she was visiting her half brothers? step brothers? not even sure of the relationship, I haven't had anything to do w/them since I was a teen) - it was pretty awkward, one (not even sure which) asked when I was going to visit (this was in Ohio and I live in Va.)... then proceeded to tell my how DC you can't walk out of your house w/o being murdered. Sigh....
Just let it go, a kid doesn't want to talk to someone like that anyway.
Send Billy a greeting card with $5 inside and write
"This card reminded me of you; funny and smart! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings on the phone the other day when I asked your Grandpa not to put you on the phone. I apologize; I am not used to kids so I am shy sometimes with them. Perhaps you can help me practice talking to young people."
I like this idea. I think I'll do this. Just so he knows it's not him. And I think he might like the idea of helping me get used to talking to kids. He's a very helpful little fellow and likes helping people. Thanks.
Send Billy a greeting card with $5 inside and write
"This card reminded me of you; funny and smart! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings on the phone the other day when I asked your Grandpa not to put you on the phone. I apologize; I am not used to kids so I am shy sometimes with them. Perhaps you can help me practice talking to young people."
This is excellent advice. Smooths it over but is also honest. And doesn't make the boy feel like you don't like him. You are owning your feelings so billy doesn't have to feel bad.
But....omg....I hate it when someone throws me on the phone with someone I don't feel comfortable talking to. My husband used to do it all the time with his parents when we were dating, engaged and early in our relationship. I didn't know them, I had nothing in common with them, etc. I would get so mad at him. He'd just say "oh HFB is sitting right her, I'll put her on". Once I even ran out of the room. I'd tell him I hated it and he kept doing it. He never does it now, but now it wouldn't be a big deal. I know them well enough and can always talk about the kids for a minute.
I hope your brother doesn't do it again, but maybe practice a few questions. "How are you liking school so far." "What was the best part of your vacation?" "Ok it's great to hear your voice, can you put on Stan again?"
It's not too hard.
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