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I feel for you, I don't know why people put someone on the phone like that (my mother did over Thanksgiving, she was visiting her half brothers? step brothers? not even sure of the relationship, I haven't had anything to do w/them since I was a teen) - it was pretty awkward, one (not even sure which) asked when I was going to visit (this was in Ohio and I live in Va.)... then proceeded to tell my how DC you can't walk out of your house w/o being murdered. Sigh....
Just let it go, a kid doesn't want to talk to someone like that anyway.
You feel for the OP? OK, but how about the kid?
OP, here is a 12 year old boy who has no mother or father(you explained about the mother but the father must be a real prize as well if grandpa is raising him) you're 60 and you said your brother is older. Sounds like a nice kid, who is old enough now to probably worry about what happens to me if grandpa gets sick or dies.
If you're brother is say 64, he will be 70 when the boy is 18. Hopefully your brother will be around awhile. But what if he isn't?
You should feel bad, what was so pressing that you couldn't take a few minutes and talk to the boy, ask about school, or some interest he has.
I liked the idea about the card with the $5 gift card, and in the future keep in mind this kid hasn't had the best start in life, show a little interest. Again what was so pressing you couldn't take a few minutes out of your day to talk to him?
I like the card idea, too, but really? He's a person. He's grown enough to have interesting conversations. You're missing out on the chance to have another loving family member. Of course I've got two sons and can't imagine not being able to communicate with a boy. My MO is goof around and try to embarrass the heck out of him. I'm a boy's mom indeed.
I liked the idea about the card with the $5 gift card, and in the future keep in mind this kid hasn't had the best start in life, show a little interest. Again what was so pressing you couldn't take a few minutes out of your day to talk to him?
I don't think it's about her not having time to talk to the kid. If it was about that why would she take the time out of her life to do a write-up about it? It sounds like she's just unaccustomed to interacting with children, which is perfectly normal for people who don't have kids or aren't normally around kids. She probably just wanted to avoid an awkward situation.
I agree that she should definitely put herself outside her comfort zone and try to connect with him. Sounds like she likes Billy, and she could definitely be a positive part of his life.
Another vote for the card. Twelve year-olds are more than capable of having adult conversations. And for better or for worse, 12 year-olds today have to be a little more grown up than when you were that age. Don't assume he'll forget about it and just get over it--everyone is different and you never know their level of sensitivity. As for phone conversations, since you're speaking to your brother first, you can piggyback off of whatever topics you and your brother discussed and ask the boy about them. "Your grandfather told me he took you to the Goosebumps movie. How'd you like it? Did you read the books?" Ask about his hobbies and what he does with his friends. Anything but the dreaded "How was school?" question...that's for parents and fuddy-duddies!
This is excellent advice. Smooths it over but is also honest. And doesn't make the boy feel like you don't like him. You are owning your feelings so billy doesn't have to feel bad.
But....omg....I hate it when someone throws me on the phone with someone I don't feel comfortable talking to. My husband used to do it all the time with his parents when we were dating, engaged and early in our relationship. I didn't know them, I had nothing in common with them, etc. I would get so mad at him. He'd just say "oh HFB is sitting right her, I'll put her on". Once I even ran out of the room. I'd tell him I hated it and he kept doing it. He never does it now, but now it wouldn't be a big deal. I know them well enough and can always talk about the kids for a minute.
I hope your brother doesn't do it again, but maybe practice a few questions. "How are you liking school so far." "What was the best part of your vacation?" "Ok it's great to hear your voice, can you put on Stan again?"
This is going to go against what some posters have said, but I remember well being hurt as a child (emotionally) to this day.
You are correct OP, in being concerned, and I would try to go a bit overboard in repairing the relationship with him. You can't blame the person holding the phone who said you need to say hi to Billy now...that was your bad saying that.
Don't get me wrong. I've oopsed as well, and wish I could take it back, just as you do.
We are all only human.
We don't have kids, so I get that part of your deal. But they are still small humans, developing into larger ones. The things they experience as children can and does, stay with them. Hopefully he'll forget, but just in case his feelings were really hurt and he remembers, I'd forget the gift card and actually go out of my way to try and have a relationship with him. 5 bucks? Does money buy love/true concern? Kids are smarter than that.
It might take you out of your comfort zone to actually try and talk with him on a more personal level, but what's so wrong with that? It's a blood relative, and amazingly, when the kid turns 20, 25...you might actually need his help
I would clear the air if it was me. Kids are smart. Tell him (in person) why you said that. He'll most likely understand. Kids are not dummies, especially at his age. He may reciprocate and see that you are showing a weakness. If he's a good soul, he'll understand and you two could have a nice relationship in the future.
Just my two cents. Whatever you do, I wish you and him the best.
OP, here is a 12 year old boy who has no mother or father(you explained about the mother but the father must be a real prize as well if grandpa is raising him) you're 60 and you said your brother is older. Sounds like a nice kid, who is old enough now to probably worry about what happens to me if grandpa gets sick or dies.
If you're brother is say 64, he will be 70 when the boy is 18. Hopefully your brother will be around awhile. But what if he isn't?
You should feel bad, what was so pressing that you couldn't take a few minutes and talk to the boy, ask about school, or some interest he has.
I liked the idea about the card with the $5 gift card, and in the future keep in mind this kid hasn't had the best start in life, show a little interest. Again what was so pressing you couldn't take a few minutes out of your day to talk to him?
I guess I gave the wrong impression of the boy's circumstances. His mother (my brother's adopted daughter) abandoned him and the father when Billy was an infant. The dad is a great guy. Hard working, honest, loves his son like nobody's business. The dad married a wonderful young woman. A school teacher. She fell in love with Billy and has raised him as her own. She is the only mother Billy has known. They got the biological mother to sign away her parental rights, and the school teacher has adopted him. Billy's dad's family is large and full of kids, so Billy has lots of cousins. They see each other regularly and do a lot of things together. Billy seems very happy and well adjusted.
My brother isn't raising Billy, although he'd like to. My brother is pretty lonely since his divorce and retirement. He also had a special relationship with our grandpa. So my brother has put all his emotions and sense of legacy into Billy. He pays for things, takes him on frequent vacations, always goes to Billy's birthday parties, takes him out to eat, pays for school stuff, etc. He knows Billy isn't his kid, and abides by Billy's parents rules. We have warned our brother that soon Billy will not want to spend so much time with him, since he's entering his teens. So my brother would be prepared. He seems to understand, but we'll see. (I worry about my brother because he no adult friends. None. There's just Billy. So I think my brother uses Billy as a way to have a more fulfilling life, although there's no doubt he loves Billy bunches. My bro. has also tried to form close relationships with his nieces, but their mothers put a stop to that. He forms too much an attachment with the little ones. He wants to go to all their birthday parties, even if it's only for children, etc. My grandparents didn't come to all of our birthday parties. So my brother has put everything into Billy. He gets upset if Billy can't go on vacation or out to eat with him.)
It wasn't the TIME it took. But I do not regard children as adults, since they're not, and have almost no experience talking to kids. I suppose you can't relate. My interests are adult interests. I remember being a kid, and that's about all my knowledge of kids.
I also don't know Billy that well. I live in another state. I like him, but I can count the number of times I've seen him. I've never spoken to him on the phone before.
I suppose it was the way my brother put him on the phone without asking, so abruptly.
I also had other things on my mind and just wasn't in the mood. Still, I shouldn't have said what I did. My brother wasn't thinking. He thinks everyone is in love with Billy the same way he is.
It would be like me thrusting my dog at someone, assuming they'd see his awesomeness the same way I do. But some people aren't dog lovers.
This is going to go against what some posters have said, but I remember well being hurt as a child (emotionally) to this day.
You are correct OP, in being concerned, and I would try to go a bit overboard in repairing the relationship with him. You can't blame the person holding the phone who said you need to say hi to Billy now...that was your bad saying that.
Don't get me wrong. I've oopsed as well, and wish I could take it back, just as you do.
We are all only human.
We don't have kids, so I get that part of your deal. But they are still small humans, developing into larger ones. The things they experience as children can and does, stay with them. Hopefully he'll forget, but just in case his feelings were really hurt and he remembers, I'd forget the gift card and actually go out of my way to try and have a relationship with him. 5 bucks? Does money buy love/true concern? Kids are smarter than that.
It might take you out of your comfort zone to actually try and talk with him on a more personal level, but what's so wrong with that? It's a blood relative, and amazingly, when the kid turns 20, 25...you might actually need his help
I would clear the air if it was me. Kids are smart. Tell him (in person) why you said that. He'll most likely understand. Kids are not dummies, especially at his age. He may reciprocate and see that you are showing a weakness. If he's a good soul, he'll understand and you two could have a nice relationship in the future.
Just my two cents. Whatever you do, I wish you and him the best.
I live out of state. I will never have a relationship with him or his family. There is no opportunity for that.
I agree with those that have said you probably did hurt his feelings even though it was unintentional. 12 is certainly old enough to remember something like that. Even in middle age I recall instances of hurt feelings at that age.
You also seemed some excellent advice on apologizing and seem to be amenable to it. Good for you!
You sound like a caring person with your concern about your brother. The "good" news is that Billy's father is open to having your brother in Billy's life. It sounds as if both enjoy this time. I wouldn't worry too much about what the teen years will bring. There will be plenty of activities in a teens life that your brother can watch, etc. It will change, but I suspect your brother has given Billy a wonderful gift of fantastic memories with a loving grandparent.
It does sound as if you don't think of your brother as Billy's grandfather since his mother was adopted. Your brother certainly is the boy's grandfather though in all ways except biology.
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) you're 60 and you said your brother is older. Sounds like a nice kid, who is old enough now to probably worry about what happens to me if grandpa gets sick or dies.
I'm a boy's mom indeed.
