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Thanks guys for the advice. Regarding the teasing: I mess with people as a sign of affection. I always mess with my parents, and they mess with me (that's the dynamic we have). I don't tease people that I don't feel close to. But I can definitely see how that's not the right way to go about it.
Another question for you all: there are a couple men in my company that are gossipy drama queens. Yet people overlook that. Are my faults worse than that?
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Originally Posted by The Mysterious Benefactor
This is likely your problem. You're overcompensating and others can see that. This is one of those traits that often takes a bit of time to see, so it doesn't surprise me that you make friends quickly only to see them fall off later.
I'm also curious why you think you come off as "dominating" and "overpowering". My guess is that, while you may perceive it that way(or wish others to), you're actually coming across as very insecure. That's difficult for most people to be around.
How does one come across as insecure? What are signs of someone being insecure?
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Originally Posted by OverItAll
I had an s/o a few years ago who was like you, OP.
He'd been bullied all through childhood (geek) and also had severe ADHD, no verbal filters.
Super intelligent guy, successful in his field (programming), no friends as an adult except two lonely guys who were just like him.
CONSTANT juvenile "teasing", joking about EVERY freaking thing. Also talked a blue streak and in a forceful tone.
He was a great guy, a really good human being, but had a HORRIBLE personality. So unsexy and annoying I had to break it off with him though he was such a good catch in all other ways.
He said -he was insightful and self aware- he figured it was because as a kid he had no friends, and learned social skills in the Army, and copied what the guys he was surrounded by, were doing.
But after 30+ years he is still this way, he knows it turns people off but can't stop.
I'm curious how he could be a great guy but have a horrible personality at the same time? You have a good eye, I do sound similar to your ex. I wasn't bullied as a kid, but I was always very antisocial and awkward. I pretty much only developed my social skills in college (2 years ago), so in many ways I am still socially immature.
Stop teasing other people. I too am an introvert turned extrovert, and while I'm very self-deprecating, rather foul-mouthed and raunchy and definitely opinionated, I NEVER tease anyone in a way that would ever make them uncomfortable. I follow THEIR lead in that regard. If they rag me, I rag them back.
And while I may cuss a blue streak it is NEVER directed at an individual. As for my very strongly held opinions, I keep those mainly to myself unless asked for my opinion.
Character is what makes a person "great" (in my opinion). Not personality.
He had a fine character. He was moral, kind, cared about others, was highly responsible, excellent father to his kids and friend to mine while we dated, reliable, fair, reasonable, honest.
His personality, which is different from character, (how one acts/carries oneself) was as I described and sucked. His boss got complaints all the time when he went to job sites (industrial programmer) but he was so good at his work his boss kept him on.
I too have a good character (moral, responsible, fair, etc) and a lousy personality. Not the same kind of lousy as you and my ex, but trust me it too sucks.
But I loathe people so I'm OK with not having friends.
I can fake it though and have always attracted "friends", but faking is tiring and I end up blowing them off.
- I lightheartedly tease friends. It's not even mean stuff, but I can definitely see how it could get annoying. I don't mean to be a dick, I just enjoy messing around and don't mind at all if someone dishes it back at me. I am guessing this does not fly outside of college.
- I know I come across as dominating, even though I'm not sure where. I never steer conversations and I never force an opinion, but somehow I still know I give off an overpowering vibe.
I am looking for any inputs. Are there people in your life that used to be friends, had no major flaws but had minor personality traits that added up over time? I used to be very introverted so now I'm making up for it TOO much. I can't figure out a middle ground.
It's pretty obvious you don't care that you hurt people's feelings for your own enjoyment, because you're making excuses for your behavior.
You are reflecting upon the subject, examining yourself honestly, and that is a big plus. Most people are too shallow to entertain what you are doing, they are afraid of what they might find and don't want to face it. I give you top marks in this.
Why not try asking one of your more friendly co-workers? Perhaps they will tell the truth.
Perhaps without knowing it you are pushing your colleagues' buttons with some of your teasing. Just refrain from it and see what type of reaction you get after they go forward un-annoyed for awhile.
Have you ever thought you might have some manic days? That would explain being over cheerful, over talkative, over doing just aout everything, and people seeing that you are not quite "right" or in control.
Just saying.....
You're there to work, not to make friends. Outside of work, you choose your friends and they choose you, people who want to socialize with you and vice versa, people you get along with. At work, you can't choose. You're stuck with whoever is there. And they are stuck with you. Whether they like you are not. So stop trying so hard to be friends and socialize while at work.
Teasing is appropriate in some work environments. People who work dangerous jobs seem more likely to tease like that on a regular basis, and being able to laugh at your own expense and tease back shows that you fit in. But not all work environments are like that. My husband went from a work environment like that to one where everyone acted like mature adults, and he said he spent the first couple of months being quiet and polite to everyone, until he figured out what the corporate culture was like and even the personality of his different coworkers. After that, he knew how much to joke and who he could joke with. It was such a huge change that it changed his personality at home too, which wasn't a bad thing. The constant juvenile joking and hazing that he brought home from his old job didn't make him a very comfortable or fun person to be around, or a good role model for our young kids.
About gossip, being a good listener is much better than being a gossip. Listen to all the gossip that you can, but never, never repeat any of it. Offer opinions about the gossip only when asked, and only when the person asking is the one involved in the gossip. You'll get a reputation as a good person to talk to, you'll know everything that's going on at work, but you'll seem very trustworthy and like you're not interested in contributing to the high-school atmosphere in your workplace.
I feel your pain. I have to tone myself down frequently.
Mostly, I think stopping yourself before saying anything is a good first step. Think before speaking. (The lesson I still need for myself.) And, then being proactively kind to others. Instead of teasing, which people grow to hate over time, I'd try to do things for people quietly. Be kind. Write it out and paste it to the mirror you use in the morning. Be kind.
If you make those two changes, I think people will come round to you again.
So many times we imagine that NOT doing something, or changing our actions, are the things that will improve us socially, I believe in being proactive, by being kind to everyone. The world needs our kindness now, more than ever.
How does one come across as insecure? What are signs of someone being insecure?
When someone tries too hard to appear as something they're not, that is a sign of insecurity, and most people are able to see right through it. By your own description, after being an introvert in the past, you're "making up for it too much". As I understand it, you're trying too hard to appear 'dominating and overpowering' which you erroneously equate with extroversion. In the process, you are driving people away from you.
It seems as though you think there's something abnormal about, or wrong with, being introverted. There isn't. It's perfectly normal and there's nothing to 'make up for'. I think the problem isn't that you appear too strong, it's that you appear too weak.
- I know I come across as dominating, even though I'm not sure where. I never steer conversations and I never force an opinion, but somehow I still know I give off an overpowering vibe.
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Since everyone has already mentioned the teasing, let's talk about this one. Without hearing you, there are several possibilities. One is tone of voice. Do you speak loudly regardless of situation? Do you have the last word? Do you take a contrary position often? Answers to these can help with that question.
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