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Hi- these are wonderful comments and points! Thank you for helping me make the decision and to feel less guilty about not joining my husband in New York. I'm staying in California and my husband will go to his parents. I contacted and have interviews with four realtors lined up for this weekend and early next week, selling/donating furniture, books, their dining room set, etc, and visiting my mom once a day in the hospital. She is slowly healing (which is great because the infection isn't getting worse). My husband and I decided to try date night once a week when I return to Illinois. Tonight, he said he feels neglected in our relationship. "I'm still really bothered by how everything is happening. I feel like I should be able to tell you that I feel neglected." I will spend most of December in California with my parents and I totally understand his POV that it's not ideal to be living apart from each other for work and the holidays. I'm also finishing my master's degree in January on top of work so the weekends that I have been home the past four months- I've been primarily working/writing my thesis. However, I also don't see him making any effort in our relationship to spend quality time together.
Part of me feels slightly angry that he decided to make a big deal about me staying and to tell me NOW he feels neglected. I feel really overwhelmed with everything that's been going on- I don't see how telling me now is going to solve anything. I wish I felt like we were a team- maybe offering ways to help my family like one person mentioned on the thread. I'm not upset that he isn't here in California- I'm more irritated that he isn't being as understanding or sympathetic. I feel sad that I can't go to him and instead my strength comes from your comments.
Thank you for the amazing and helpful comments- this is my first post to city data and you the community members are very kind. Thank you and Happy Holidays!
It amazes me that so many people are so quick to decide how this couple should run their lives while knowing only what one of them has to say. What doesn't surprise me is that about 90% of the responses maintain that the husband is being unfair or inconsiderate and must go to California for Christmas.
I'm not surprised for two reasons - first, that the OP is always given the benefit of the doubt without any further questions; and second, that the OP is a woman and for too many here, that's enough to make a decision.
I need to know the dynamic of their situation before deciding how they handle their lives. I want to know how they got to Illinois when their families are on opposite coasts. Where in Illinois does the husband work; is it 20 miles from Chicago, or 200? When the wife doesn't go home for most of the week where does she go? The OP is apparently from a different culture than American - does the husband share that culture?
stick it out with your parents...that is what your heart is telling you. your husband should be supportive...maybe even come help you. doesn't matter how religious people want to act, it's what they do and how they treat people that matters. I hope your husband and in-laws treat you with love and respect while you try to help your parents.
My advice is that she simply accept what she can't change. OBVIOUSLY, he's not coming to California, and CLEARLY she has a moral obligation to stay there. Some of you just can't let go of this fantasy that, because he "should," he's going to fly across the country on his white steed like a knight in shining armor. As Trump says, "Don't THINK so!" So she has to deal.
Hopefully OP will at least check back in after the holidays to let us know how it turned out...
Hi- these are wonderful comments and points! Thank you for helping me make the decision and to feel less guilty about not joining my husband in New York. I'm staying in California and my husband will go to his parents. I contacted and have interviews with four realtors lined up for this weekend and early next week, selling/donating furniture, books, their dining room set, etc, and visiting my mom once a day in the hospital. She is slowly healing (which is great because the infection isn't getting worse). My husband and I decided to try date night once a week when I return to Illinois. Tonight, he said he feels neglected in our relationship. "I'm still really bothered by how everything is happening. I feel like I should be able to tell you that I feel neglected." I will spend most of December in California with my parents and I totally understand his POV that it's not ideal to be living apart from each other for work and the holidays. I'm also finishing my master's degree in January on top of work so the weekends that I have been home the past four months- I've been primarily working/writing my thesis. However, I also don't see him making any effort in our relationship to spend quality time together.
Part of me feels slightly angry that he decided to make a big deal about me staying and to tell me NOW he feels neglected. I feel really overwhelmed with everything that's been going on- I don't see how telling me now is going to solve anything. I wish I felt like we were a team- maybe offering ways to help my family like one person mentioned on the thread. I'm not upset that he isn't here in California- I'm more irritated that he isn't being as understanding or sympathetic. I feel sad that I can't go to him and instead my strength comes from your comments.
Thank you for the amazing and helpful comments- this is my first post to city data and you the community members are very kind. Thank you and Happy Holidays!
Thanks so much for the update!
I am curious though - if it's such a big deal to him for you to be apart - why didn't he choose to come spend Christmas with you?
Don't fall for all that guilt trip stuff - he could have chosen to spend the day with you and instead he chose to spend ANOTHER Christmas with his parents. And all that crap about him feeling neglected over the holiday? Dang, he needs to GROW UP. Sometimes family duties come along and you just have to be there - it's not a matter of neglecting anyone. In fact, if there's any neglecting going on over this holiday it's on his part, because he's choosing not to spend the holiday with you and is even trying to make YOU feel guilty about this!!!
But it does sound like the two of you have been drifting apart now for awhile, and he's probably being emotional about this rather than rational. And it's hard to make the jump from child to adult when it comes to things like holidays - he's used to spending the holiday with his family and apparently it means a LOT to him, even though he's married now and needs to realize that adulthood sometimes means that you don't spend a holiday with Mommy and Daddy - that holidays change in nature as the years progress.
I think date night once a week after the holidays is a good start but I also think that if you and your husband are going to make this marriage work, you need to spend more time together building your own life TOGETHER, your own traditions, your own memories. Honestly, a bit of counseling would probably help as well.
Hi- these are wonderful comments and points! Thank you for helping me make the decision and to feel less guilty about not joining my husband in New York. I'm staying in California and my husband will go to his parents. I contacted and have interviews with four realtors lined up for this weekend and early next week, selling/donating furniture, books, their dining room set, etc, and visiting my mom once a day in the hospital. She is slowly healing (which is great because the infection isn't getting worse). My husband and I decided to try date night once a week when I return to Illinois. Tonight, he said he feels neglected in our relationship. "I'm still really bothered by how everything is happening. I feel like I should be able to tell you that I feel neglected." I will spend most of December in California with my parents and I totally understand his POV that it's not ideal to be living apart from each other for work and the holidays. I'm also finishing my master's degree in January on top of work so the weekends that I have been home the past four months- I've been primarily working/writing my thesis. However, I also don't see him making any effort in our relationship to spend quality time together.
Part of me feels slightly angry that he decided to make a big deal about me staying and to tell me NOW he feels neglected. I feel really overwhelmed with everything that's been going on- I don't see how telling me now is going to solve anything. I wish I felt like we were a team- maybe offering ways to help my family like one person mentioned on the thread. I'm not upset that he isn't here in California- I'm more irritated that he isn't being as understanding or sympathetic. I feel sad that I can't go to him and instead my strength comes from your comments.
Thank you for the amazing and helpful comments- this is my first post to city data and you the community members are very kind. Thank you and Happy Holidays!
Thanks for the update. Concentrate on your parents for now. When you get home, do the date night thing and try to reconnect with your husband. It would have been nice for him to join you, but you can't control him, only yourself. You are doing the right thing.
My advice is that she simply accept what she can't change. OBVIOUSLY, he's not coming to California, and CLEARLY she has a moral obligation to stay there. Some of you just can't let go of this fantasy that, because he "should," he's going to fly across the country on his white steed like a knight in shining armor. As Trump says, "Don't THINK so!" So she has to deal.
Hopefully OP will at least check back in after the holidays to let us know how it turned out...
Ya, it is obvious now that she came back and told us that. When she first posted, that hadn't been decided yet.
Hi- these are wonderful comments and points! Thank you for helping me make the decision and to feel less guilty about not joining my husband in New York. I'm staying in California and my husband will go to his parents. I contacted and have interviews with four realtors lined up for this weekend and early next week, selling/donating furniture, books, their dining room set, etc, and visiting my mom once a day in the hospital. She is slowly healing (which is great because the infection isn't getting worse). My husband and I decided to try date night once a week when I return to Illinois. Tonight, he said he feels neglected in our relationship. "I'm still really bothered by how everything is happening. I feel like I should be able to tell you that I feel neglected." I will spend most of December in California with my parents and I totally understand his POV that it's not ideal to be living apart from each other for work and the holidays. I'm also finishing my master's degree in January on top of work so the weekends that I have been home the past four months- I've been primarily working/writing my thesis. However, I also don't see him making any effort in our relationship to spend quality time together.
Part of me feels slightly angry that he decided to make a big deal about me staying and to tell me NOW he feels neglected. I feel really overwhelmed with everything that's been going on- I don't see how telling me now is going to solve anything. I wish I felt like we were a team- maybe offering ways to help my family like one person mentioned on the thread. I'm not upset that he isn't here in California- I'm more irritated that he isn't being as understanding or sympathetic. I feel sad that I can't go to him and instead my strength comes from your comments.
Thank you for the amazing and helpful comments- this is my first post to city data and you the community members are very kind. Thank you and Happy Holidays!
You are talking care of your parents which is important to you. Do not allow anyone to make you feel guilty. It would be nice if he would be less selfish, but he is what he is. You can sort that out later. But did you ask him to come be with you? That part was not clear. If you asked him to come to you and instead he chose to go to NY instead of supporting you, so you have your answer.
Hi- these are wonderful comments and points! Thank you for helping me make the decision and to feel less guilty about not joining my husband in New York. I'm staying in California and my husband will go to his parents. I contacted and have interviews with four realtors lined up for this weekend and early next week, selling/donating furniture, books, their dining room set, etc, and visiting my mom once a day in the hospital. She is slowly healing (which is great because the infection isn't getting worse). My husband and I decided to try date night once a week when I return to Illinois. Tonight, he said he feels neglected in our relationship. "I'm still really bothered by how everything is happening. I feel like I should be able to tell you that I feel neglected." I will spend most of December in California with my parents and I totally understand his POV that it's not ideal to be living apart from each other for work and the holidays. I'm also finishing my master's degree in January on top of work so the weekends that I have been home the past four months- I've been primarily working/writing my thesis. However, I also don't see him making any effort in our relationship to spend quality time together.
Part of me feels slightly angry that he decided to make a big deal about me staying and to tell me NOW he feels neglected. I feel really overwhelmed with everything that's been going on- I don't see how telling me now is going to solve anything. I wish I felt like we were a team- maybe offering ways to help my family like one person mentioned on the thread. I'm not upset that he isn't here in California- I'm more irritated that he isn't being as understanding or sympathetic. I feel sad that I can't go to him and instead my strength comes from your comments.
Thank you for the amazing and helpful comments- this is my first post to city data and you the community members are very kind. Thank you and Happy Holidays!
I think you made the right decision. And a weekly date night is a great idea. Things won't be this hectic forever. Until then, he needs to try to be more understanding of your obligations, and a date night will show that you are being more understanding of his need to connect. At least he loves you enough to feel neglected. There's always a silver lining.
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