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I don't know. I ended up backing off from my male friends a few years after I married. I had a good friend or so I thought. We'd talk and go to lunch. My husband was ok with it. It was platonic for me. Apparently, it was different for him. I realized it was an unhealthy situation and he needed to go. He left his marriage shortly afterwards.
If it works for your marriage, that's fine, but as was mentioned by MNseca, this is so, so, so often a recipe for disaster. Ranging from jealousy to suspicion from the spouse, to an "emotional affair" that hurts a person's relationship with their spouse, to a one time fling to a long term physical affair, etc., many things that can harm or end a marriage. Not saying any of these are true about you, just that we've all seen it happen to other people. This is why many married couples don't have those sorts of opposite-sex friendships...not because of a lack of trust but just out of respect and the knowledge that opposite-sex friendships often lead to affairs.
Only you know for sure what your true thoughts are about this woman. If you don't feel lust or love when you look at her, and you see her as more of a sister, that's obviously safer than if you do have some attraction to this woman. Additionally, what activities are being done together makes a difference. If you're carpooling to a kids soccer game, that's a lot less sketchy-looking than if you're going out to dinner or a movie together countless times.
I wouldn't go down that road because of the risks, but you're already down the road so it's reasonable for you to ask, why are others freaking out and you feel fine and safe?
If the relationship means a lot to you and you don't want to let it go, I guess the question might be, why? What does this woman provide that your wife does not / can not? Are there any impacts on your marriage or do you both spend a fair amount of time apart anyway and it hasn't change anything that you can think of?
Given that you haven't done anything physically inappropriate you're in a good position to assess your situation and see if you're at risk or if you still feel perfectly fine continuing.
No it won't, Mr. CSD has had the same female friends for much longer than I have been sharing his life and there has not been any issues at all and he even spends time with these female friends alone.
But that's different - my husband also has close female friends that he was friends with BEFORE I married him. Even an ex, who was actually in our wedding. If they met before, then they already had the chance to be romantically involved, and weren't, or already ended it. In this case, he met the woman after he was married (I think).
Personally I think it's risky but it doesn't matter what I think - what matters is what your wife thinks, as others have said.
My husband and I discussed this in some depth before we got married, since both of us had been married before and both of us had had spouses who were unfaithful to us.
Neither of us had a BFF that was of the opposite sex when we met, but we both HAD had opposite sex friendships that eventually morphed into something else - both positive and negative experiences.
We decided before we got married that our personal parameters would be that we wouldn't allow any opposite sex friendships to get too close. We wouldn't go to lunch or dinner regularly with friends of the opposite sex, though of course in the realm of business, occasionally we know we will find ourselves going out for a business lunch. As long as it isn't becoming a regular thing or too personal we are fine with that.
An excellent barometer is this - if you ever, EVER, have a conversation or meeting with this person of the opposite sex, that you would feel the slightest bit uncomfortable with your spouse knowing every detail of, then you've crossed the line.
I have a very dear friend of the opposite sex. He has been my friend for decades. He's happily married. Occasionally we text each other, email, or message each other on Facebook - but we keep it light and friendly - in fact, these messages are ALWAYS something that I can, and do, share with my husband (they're usually hilarious). This friend and I used to work together, and in fact we also traveled together on business pretty often. We had an unspoken rule though -one we never discussed but also never broke - when we traveled together, we did not EVER go into each other's hotel room. We also did not ever have dinner alone together or drink together. To this day, we love each other very much but we keep a distance there that both our spouses are comfortable with - because our marriages mean more to us than our friendship does.
My husband and I both know where the line is and we've never crossed it. It's OUR line though - other couples are different and that's OK.
But that's different - my husband also has close female friends that he was friends with BEFORE I married him. Even an ex, who was actually in our wedding. If they met before, then they already had the chance to be romantically involved, and weren't, or already ended it. In this case, he met the woman after he was married (I think).
It makes no difference if you meet 30 years ago or 30 seconds ago, if you do not trust your spouse you are married to the wrong person and yes it is that simple.
It makes no difference if you meet 30 years ago or 30 seconds ago, if you do not trust your spouse you are married to the wrong person and yes it is that simple.
It's not about trust. It's like ScottsdaleMark said. If you want to be sure to preserve your marriage, you don't go down roads that could lead to infidelity. Spending a lot of time with an attractive, eligible person of the opposite sex is a road that certainly can lead to infidelity. The husband can choose to put himself in that position, or choose to avoid it. A lot of long-term fidelity is just not putting yourself in any situation that is likely to lead to problems. Perhaps he does feel absolutely no potential attraction to this woman - only he can say. But in many cases, there is some slight possibility there, and a person pursues a friendship while lying to him or herself about that possibility, until it is too late. No one is above temptation, and it's not about the spouse's trust. It's about a person's choices.
It makes no difference if you meet 30 years ago or 30 seconds ago, if you do not trust your spouse you are married to the wrong person and yes it is that simple.
It's much more complicated than that. Humans are sexual beings. Statistics and research lean toward the conclusion that humans are not really made to be monogamous. I'm not saying monogamy is impossible; certainly it is possible, but not necessarily natural or easy.
Regarding trust, my husband and I trust each other to not put ourselves in situations in which our normal, natural, healthy sexual desires might lead to infidelity. We simply wouldn't cultivate a friendship with the opposite sex that included frequent outings as a twosome with that friend. We are deeply in love, we are best friends, we have no desire for an intimate relationship with anyone else. There is no one else that either of us would prefer to spend time with. We would not be comfortable with the kind of situation that OP described.
Not saying OP's situation can't work, but it would defy the odds.
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