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It's much more complicated than that. Humans are sexual beings. Statistics and research lean toward the conclusion that humans are not really made to be monogamous. I'm not saying monogamy is impossible; certainly it is possible, but not necessarily natural or easy.
Regarding trust, my husband and I trust each other to not put ourselves in situations in which our normal, natural, healthy sexual desires might lead to infidelity. We simply wouldn't cultivate a friendship with the opposite sex that included frequent outings as a twosome with that friend. We are deeply in love, we are best friends, we have no desire for an intimate relationship with anyone else. There is no one else that either of us would prefer to spend time with. We would not be comfortable with the kind of situation that OP described.
Not saying OP's situation can't work, but it would defy the odds.
Bingo.
I mean, why take unnecessary risks with one's marriage and one's TRUE best friend (since the OP says that his spouse is his best friend and that their marriage is good)?
I trust my husband. He trusts me. In fact, he's worked out of state (and often out of the country) for thirty years and is gone for weeks at a time, staying in hotels, traveling, while I stay home and can do whatever I want to do basically.
We have a very good marriage but part of the reason for the level of trust we have is because neither of us has ever gotten involved in a very close friendship with someone of the opposite sex. We simply do not take any chances or do anything that either of us has to question at all.
One of the conditions we both agreed on before marriage was that we just wouldn't go to bars, even with friends, without each other. It's just potentially problematic, even with mutual friends. A few months ago, I took an art class with some friends of ours, a couple, while my husband was out of town. Afterwards, they said, "Oh let's go have a drink at the coolest little place we know about!" Without thinking, I said "Sure, let's go!" After I got there, I realized, wait, I'm doing something I said I wouldn't do. It was totally innocent, and though I told my husband we went out for a drink afterward, and he never made any sort of deal about it, I made a note to myself - don't do that again. And I'm not going to.
I wasn't doing anything wrong, but I appreciate my marriage too much to take totally silly, pointless risks with the trust level that we've got.
We've been married for 33 years, she is straight, my age and is a nice looking woman.
I like to try to contribute to the forum and I'm certainly not obsessing over this situation. I was just somewhat surprised by the reaction to the situation and I thought it might make an entertaining thread to see what 'the forum' thinks.
The relationship with my wife is great, which is what I think makes her secure enough to not worry about the friendship. The wife and I are great friends, so please don't think when I say my BFF is a woman that it precludes friendship with my wife. It's simply a term signifying that of my circle of friends, I am closest to her.
I think that some people can handle being friends with the opposite sex while they are married to other people and some can't.
I am curious as to why you classify this woman as your best friend while your wife is just a friend (even though your relationship is great). What is the difference in terms of your relationship with this other woman and why do you feel closer to her than to your wife? I think that is what people are picking up on - best friends forever includes some degree of intimacy that is missing in just a friendship. It is this degree of intimacy that might prove to be dangerous/destructive to your marriage.
As long as your wife is OK with it, I do not see a problem. However, are you 100% sure she is fine with it? If she is even in the slightest bit hesitant, leary, annoyed, ANYTHING, I would try to limit contact with the friend.
My closest friend for many years was a male. We met in high school, and it was ALWAYS a strictly platonic thing. Never in all of our years did we ever have romantic feelings for each other. We were just the very best of friends. We had also both had a 2-3 year simultaneous period of being single and depressed about it...but even then it never crossed either of our minds to get together romantically. We just did not have that type of relationship. We used to both be very interested in conventions, and would often spend weekends together travelling to other states and sharing the hotel room (there were two beds in the rooms), etc. All of this time spent together and NEVER, not ONCE was there ever any romantic feelings...never even a kiss, peck, nothing.
He ended up meeting his future wife long before I met my husband. She hated me right off the bat, and no matter how many times my friend explained how long we had known each other (roughly 12 years), and how we were strictly ONLY friends...it did not matter. She did not believe it. He ended up distancing himself from me, and I respected it. I knew exactly why he had to do it. Now, if I see him twice a year, it is a lot. He was truly my greatest friend, and someone I thought would be in my life forever...but I was wrong. I miss him and our friendship terribly, but like I have said, I totally understand why things have to be this way.
Anyway, sorry for that long and drawn-out aside. My point being: IF your wife is TRULY 100% OK with your friendship, I say good for you and enjoy your time spent with this woman. BUT...if there is even the smallest, tiniest, most seemingly insignificant shred of doubt or annoyance ever expressed to you by your wife regarding this friend...I think you should start creating some space.
My best friend is a married guy and I'm currently single. I've been friends with him for 20 years and he has been married for about 13. I'm also really good friends with his wife cause I really like her and she's fun to hang around with too. We don't have any issues among our acquaintances and in fact his parents consider me a part of their family also.
Personally, I wouldn't do that to my husband. Period.
Oh yea, he might say that he doesn't care. But I am smart enough to know
that it would bother him.
I would never do anything at all to ever give him a shred of doubt that he is my
number one priority in life.
I have been married forever too, so I understand, and I wouldn't do that to him.
my wife is often out with her male cousin, they have several things in common of which I have no interest, nothing "funny" is going on, they just enjoy each others company.
oh yes, and I trust my wife.
Well, I should hope not!
OP- your wife should be your best friend...PERIOD.
I have a woman friend of mine that goes back to when we were 14-15 years old. I'm 44 now, so we've been friends for 30 years. I got married 7 years ago, after knowing my wife for 3, so 10 years total.
When we first got married, I had a sales job where I worked from home. My friend lived in the same town we did, but I didn't have any other friends that lived close by.
When my wife had a work function or was going out with her friends, I would normally call my friend to see if she wanted to hang out or get dinner.
At first, my wife was jealous of this, but it was completely irrational on her part. After spending more time with my friend, she eventually realized there was nothing going on and got over it. But for awhile, she tried to dictate when I was "allowed" to hang out with her, and it caused several arguments. I told her I wasn't about to cut a friend out of my life who had known me for over 20 years because of her insecurities. I meant it too, I would have divorced her if she hadn't come around. I didn't forbid her from seeing any of her friends, I wasn't about to let her do that to me.
My wife had been cheated on by her previous long term boyfriend before me, so I can see where she was coming from to an extent. However, I'm not her ex and I'm not the reason she had trust issues.
As I said, eventually she got over it and she's no longer as jealous or petty about some things like she used to be, but it did cause a lot more drama than it needed to. Some people just can't deal with it. If some people are so concerned that there would be temptation to cheat, I would say that they simply do not possess the willpower to do the right thing.
I think that some people can handle being friends with the opposite sex while they are married to other people and some can't.
I am curious as to why you classify this woman as your best friend while your wife is just a friend (even though your relationship is great). What is the difference in terms of your relationship with this other woman and why do you feel closer to her than to your wife? I think that is what people are picking up on - best friends forever includes some degree of intimacy that is missing in just a friendship. It is this degree of intimacy that might prove to be dangerous/destructive to your marriage.
I'm failing in my attempt to clarify this question. My wife is the person to whom I am closest. I'll probably take some heat for this comment, but I believe it's true. I don't call my wife a friend, she's my wife. That means she is my friend, confidante, companion and partner in life. We have a great marriage and personal relationship. And she comes first in everything. If she didn't, we wouldn't be married.
Of my circle of friends, people whose company I enjoy but am not bound by marriage, the person I am closest to just happens to be female.
I have a woman friend of mine that goes back to when we were 14-15 years old. I'm 44 now, so we've been friends for 30 years. I got married 7 years ago, after knowing my wife for 3, so 10 years total.
When we first got married, I had a sales job where I worked from home. My friend lived in the same town we did, but I didn't have any other friends that lived close by.
When my wife had a work function or was going out with her friends, I would normally call my friend to see if she wanted to hang out or get dinner.
At first, my wife was jealous of this, but it was completely irrational on her part. After spending more time with my friend, she eventually realized there was nothing going on and got over it. But for awhile, she tried to dictate when I was "allowed" to hang out with her, and it caused several arguments. I told her I wasn't about to cut a friend out of my life who had known me for over 20 years because of her insecurities. I meant it too, I would have divorced her if she hadn't come around. I didn't forbid her from seeing any of her friends, I wasn't about to let her do that to me.
My wife had been cheated on by her previous long term boyfriend before me, so I can see where she was coming from to an extent. However, I'm not her ex and I'm not the reason she had trust issues.
As I said, eventually she got over it and she's no longer as jealous or petty about some things like she used to be, but it did cause a lot more drama than it needed to. Some people just can't deal with it. If some people are so concerned that there would be temptation to cheat, I would say that they simply do not possess the willpower to do the right thing.
The three of us do many things together. This weekend the 3 of us are going to Chicago to see a Buddy Guy show. I think my wife sees how her and I relate and interact and it gives the wife a chance to watch for non-verbal clues of infidelity, body language, a look, etc. She sees it's on the level and just isn't concerned. Not to mention, the wife and I are close enough that I don't think a torrid affair could go unnoticed. Sure, my friend and I could do the mattress dance once and get away with it. But an ongoing affair? It would show!
BTW - is that the Steve McQueen or Pierce Brosnan Thomas Crown?
If a married straight man can't have female friends, then I feel bad for any married bisexuals.
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