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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,701 posts, read 41,813,040 times
Reputation: 41403
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Okay CD. Basically, my mother and my stepfather are about to separate and I want NO part of the drama. My mother keeps trying to talk to me about their drama even though I've said on multiple occasions I want no part of their drama since I know from past experiences that divorces get ugly fast for ANYONE involved and it is hard enough trying to get somewhere as a millennial in the job market. Am I wrong for not wanting to deal with the fallout aside from IF mom is in a desperate situation which very little chance of that happening? I'm just not apt to be an emotional tampon.
Ordinarily, I wouldn't see anything wrong with offering at least minimal sympathy to one's mother. Not wanting to get in the middle of Mom and Dad, sure, because Dad will likely still be in the picture. Stepdad, probably not. However, if you're not close to your mother and see her turmoil as mere "drama," that's up to you. I don't get involved in family issues but I don't dismiss and ignore them either. Can't you just tell her, "Wow, Mom, that's rough. I'm sorry"? And how is her divorce having any effect on your job prospects?
You are right to stay out of it. Just keep repeating that to your mom. Change the subject or walk away when she brings it up.
The reasons for the separation are between the two of them and the terms of legal separation/divorce will be something they have to hash out. Your mom has done this before so she has an idea of what to do legally.
She is just looking for you to pick sides ( hers) and be a shoulder to cry on. That will wear you down quickly.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,701 posts, read 41,813,040 times
Reputation: 41403
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia
Ordinarily, I wouldn't see anything wrong with offering at least minimal sympathy to one's mother. Not wanting to get in the middle of Mom and Dad, sure, because Dad will likely still be in the picture. Stepdad, probably not. However, if you're not close to your mother and see her turmoil as mere "drama," that's up to you. I don't get involved in family issues but I don't dismiss and ignore them either. Can't you just tell her, "Wow, Mom, that's rough. I'm sorry"? And how is her divorce having any effect on your job prospects?
I'm not super close to my mom. I've been down this road with her before unfortunately and nothing positive happens for anyone involved. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have some concern but the details of the drama I can definitely do without. It is just draining to listen about every fight they have.
I have a life too and things I'm stressed with (the job thing is just one of them) and also trying to help when I can with friends problems. I didn't do anything to create this situation, I feel like I'm being punished every time I have to absorb details about their and it is being forced on me.
I'm not super close to my mom. I've been down this road with her before unfortunately and nothing positive happens for anyone involved. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have some concern but the details of the drama I can definitely do without. It is just draining to listen about every fight they have.
I have a life too and things I'm stressed with (the job thing is just one of them) and also trying to help when I can with friends problems. I didn't do anything to create this situation, I feel like I'm being punished every time I have to absorb details about their and it is being forced on me.
That sounds like a tough situation. It's not really fair to put you in the middle of her personal business. I don't even like doing that with my friends. I'm not one to probe with questions like, "What did he say? And then what did YOU say? What happened next? Then what did you do?" There are some instances where it could be warranted, but usually it would be none of my business. If your mom is just venting and hoping you end up hating the man, that's not fair especially if you don't really have a beef with him. If your mom is the type who has to be the center of attention and make every convsation about herself, that can be really tiring.
Does she have any other family to turn to? Is she sharing personal details of their relationship issues? How often do you normally talk with her and is this the only thing she wants to talk about now?
In situations like this, I think it's important to be supportive but also have boundaries in place, just as you would with anyone who is going through a tough time. You can be supportive without taking on the other person's issues, and you can take control of the calls by only allowing them to go on for so long, but I also don't think you can avoid the topic altogether.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,701 posts, read 41,813,040 times
Reputation: 41403
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011
Does she have any other family to turn to? Is she sharing personal details of their relationship issues? How often do you normally talk with her and is this the only thing she wants to talk about now?
In situations like this, I think it's important to be supportive but also have boundaries in place, just as you would with anyone who is going through a tough time. You can be supportive without taking on the other person's issues, and you can take control of the calls by only allowing them to go on for so long, but I also don't think you can avoid the topic altogether.
Far as family, aside from the one sister she actually talks to on the regular, I'm all she has. She is sharing very personal details from their issues like the details from their fights. Typically I talk to her once or twice per week, and this is turning into our main topic of conversation. I think I'm just going to have to be vigilant about wanting to stay out of their issues, aside from if things get escalated to the point of imminent physical harm.
Far as family, aside from the one sister she actually talks to on the regular, I'm all she has. She is sharing very personal details from their issues like the details from their fights. Typically I talk to her once or twice per week, and this is turning into our main topic of conversation. I think I'm just going to have to be vigilant about wanting to stay out of their issues, aside from if things get escalated to the point of imminent physical harm.
Far as family, aside from the one sister she actually talks to on the regular, I'm all she has. She is sharing very personal details from their issues like the details from their fights. Typically I talk to her once or twice per week, and this is turning into our main topic of conversation. I think I'm just going to have to be vigilant about wanting to stay out of their issues, aside from if things get escalated to the point of imminent physical harm.
I agree with photobuff, point her in the direction of a counselor, pastor, things that will encourage her to seek support from professionals, and to make a plan for her future, rather than just listen to her complaints.
I would want my mom to feel loved and supported, but also made aware that as her child, I don't feel it's appropriate for her to share personal details. Focus on what you can do for her to get her on her way.
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and it is being forced on me.
