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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,706 posts, read 41,862,320 times
Reputation: 41434
Quote:
Originally Posted by forum_browser
I'm afraid you have taught your Mom that the way to get you live on the phone is to call 5 times.
I know. I'm just going to have to keep disclipling myself not to give in to this behavior. That is why I think blocking her calls on an interim basis may be the best route to get this to cease. She can still get me through email which I can deal with.
Well, I'm sorry your mother's divorce is such an inconvenience to you. Because, after all, it's all about you, isn't it? How dare she impose her emotional burdens on anyone else, especially her child?
You know, it wouldn't hurt to be just a tiny bit supportive. You can make it clear that you don't want to hear the details. She has fears and disappointments -- all people do, even your mother, especially now -- and if you are a caring adult, why would you shut your mom down when she is most vulnerable? You don't have to be her counselor -- you can't "fix" her, you can't "fix" the situation she's in. But you do have ears, and you presumably have some sort of emotional tie.
Re: the Super Bowl thing. At the first phone call, it would have been very easy to either answer the phone or text back and say, "Hey, Mom, I'm at a Super Bowl party and can't talk, I'll call you back tomorrow, ok?" And then DO IT. Instead, you did the passive-aggressive thing of not answering, and getting p.o.'d every time the phone rang. I bet your mom didn't even realize it was the Super Bowl (yes, there are people who didn't give a flip.)
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,706 posts, read 41,862,320 times
Reputation: 41434
Quote:
Originally Posted by dblackga
Well, I'm sorry your mother's divorce is such an inconvenience to you. Because, after all, it's all about you, isn't it? How dare she impose her emotional burdens on anyone else, especially her child?
You know, it wouldn't hurt to be just a tiny bit supportive. You can make it clear that you don't want to hear the details. She has fears and disappointments -- all people do, even your mother, especially now -- and if you are a caring adult, why would you shut your mom down when she is most vulnerable? You don't have to be her counselor -- you can't "fix" her, you can't "fix" the situation she's in. But you do have ears, and you presumably have some sort of emotional tie.
Re: the Super Bowl thing. At the first phone call, it would have been very easy to either answer the phone or text back and say, "Hey, Mom, I'm at a Super Bowl party and can't talk, I'll call you back tomorrow, ok?" And then DO IT. Instead, you did the passive-aggressive thing of not answering, and getting p.o.'d every time the phone rang. I bet your mom didn't even realize it was the Super Bowl (yes, there are people who didn't give a flip.)
She has long passed the mark where support is needed and has gone into repeatedly dragging into the middle of the lions den of this separation. She literally begged me to do things behind my stepfathers back to make it easier for her to make a break. While my stepfather has not been behaving perfectly, I don't think he has done anything horrible that would call for a quick trigger on a divorce. Which is why I want to stay completely out of it. Their drama is none of my business (unless my mother's physical safety is at risk). I'm no lawyer or conseuling expert, there isn't a damn thing I can contribute. All their drama is doing is stressing me out, which I don't need.
Yeah I have an emotional tie to my mother. She raised me, which she was supposed to do. But she is abusing that tie, which NO parent should do.
Excuse me? Raising me was her responsibility since she gave birth to me. That's what you are supposed to do as a parent. The way I see it she chose to get married, she needs to be an adult and work this situation out and she has no right to subject me to the chaos that is gonna come. Now the only situation I'll definitely get involved is IF she is in imminent danger, I will NOT be her emotional tampon.
This post makes you sound like a very, very selfish child. Your mother is hurting and you refuse to be her "emotional tampon?" Is this how you would want to be treated by your mother if YOU were going through a major trauma and needed some emotional support? Is this how you treat one of your friends in a similar situation? Wow...just wow.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,706 posts, read 41,862,320 times
Reputation: 41434
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kgryfon
This post makes you sound like a very, very selfish child. Your mother is hurting and you refuse to be her "emotional tampon?" Is this how you would want to be treated by your mother if YOU were going through a major trauma and needed some emotional support? Is this how you treat one of your friends in a similar situation? Wow...just wow.
I would not treat my friends like this in a similar situation because they would not try to drag me into the middle of their situation and use me as an agent against the other person. My mother is doing that. It is not right and I will not enable that behavior just because she is my mother.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,706 posts, read 41,862,320 times
Reputation: 41434
Well, I had a heart to heart talk with my mother this week. Thankfully, it seems to have chilled down. She hasn't called me in the last few days and seems to have gotten the message from a couple of texts she sent me. I don't think their divorce will be that ugly since they don't live in the same state and they don't have commingled assets. I will serve as an interested bystander to all this and, again, will only get involved if there is an imminent threat to my mother.
You can't stay neutral between your mother and your stepfather. You must remain in your mother's corner.
That doesn't mean you must join in opposition against your stepfather, but it is your job to listen. It was her job to change your dirty diapers, her job to make sure you had clean clothes and an education and a whole lot more.
Some day it will be your job to assist her when she is too old, and it will be your job to bury her. It won't hurt you to sit still and listen politely.
Some mothers are better than others. Some mothers are better at certain times than at other times. The degree to which you listen should be modified by what has happened in the past, but I do think you should be a little more tolerant.
NO...NO...NO.. and NO again.
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down. She hasn't called me in the last few days and seems to have gotten the message from a couple of texts she sent me. I don't think their divorce will be that ugly since they don't live in the same state and they don't have commingled assets. I will serve as an interested bystander to all this and, again, will only get involved if there is an imminent threat to my mother.
