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Your husband feels the way he does about his dad because he loves him. He realizes that he has no more time to make things right.
It is wrong if you are standing in the way of any relationship he could have with his dad. Those two could possibly come to terms with their relationship and rediscover their love for each other. Your husband needs to deal with his emotions, which are mixed up feelings of grief, loss, guilt and perhaps anger. You need to let him do so.
Your husband feels the way he does about his dad because he loves him. He realizes that he has no more time to make things right.
It is wrong if you are standing in the way of any relationship he could have with his dad. Those two could possibly come to terms with their relationship and rediscover their love for each other. Your husband needs to deal with his emotions, which are mixed up feelings of grief, loss, guilt and perhaps anger. You need to let him do so.
Good luck!
I wouldn't say that I am standing in the way per se. I am keeping the tight boundaries that we set after the Thanksgiving debacle.
I have told my husband that he should consider Skyping with is dad or even going for a visit (although I think that is unwise considering their agenda). He is still on the fence. Whatever he decides to do, I will support. I won't pretend to understand because I don't, but I will still support him bc it's my duty. As for them coming to terms, that won't happen bc his parents believe that we are the only ones wrong when things are much more complicated.
But if he wants to have a relationship, I'm not standing in his way. They are just not allowed to travel to AZ from Texas and come to our house. If they travel to AZ, we will see them in a restaurant...neutral ground. That's what we, as a couple, decided and I am sticking to it. Whether is dad is sick or not, it doesn't erase the sickness that they have inflicted.
But thank you for your comment. I will not stand in the way if my husband wants to reach out.
Your husband is entitled to see his own father, if he wants. You don't have to get involved, one way or another.
Quite the contrary. I am already involved bc I am his wife and we make decisions together. You're right in that his dad might not even be sick but before my husband jumps on a plane to go visit, we have to know that for sure. Of course he is entitled to see his father. I wouldn't stand in the way of that. What I don't want to happen is for this to be yet another ploy and manipulation. Thus, the suggestion of skyping.
It's all very fresh so time will tell more. I just don't like the idea of this sudden near-deathness causing my husband to forget the significant amount of damage his parents have inflicted on so many people. Illness or no illness, they are still very bad ppl and I sincerely hope that my husband is not getting sucked back into their web.
As I've mentioned before, there is no love lost between my parents-in-law and me. I view them as horrible and manipulative people. My husband is slowly coming to terms with this and it's hard on him.
At any rate, he's been ignoring their calls until recently when his mother shared that his dad has cirrhosis of the liver brought on by hepatitis (contracted when he was a fireman/EMT). She told my husband that his dad is dying and is now not eating much, sleeps all the time and has a very swollen abdomen. When my husband suggested he needed to go the hospital, my mother-in-law said he has an appt sometime next week and that he will go then.
They are just now beginning their estate planning and because of their poor financial planning (no life insurance, no savings, not preparation at all), my husband has asked that he not be in the will for any property besides his photos and baby book. He doesn't even want to be the executor of the estate bc he doesn't want to have to deal with the quagmire that is their life.
I'm glad he has a handle on that...we don't need that kind of financial or emotional burden, especially since I've already noticed the emotional toll this whole situation has taken on him. My concern with my husband is that he will start blaming me or his sister for his estrangement from his parents...saying it's our fault that there was a falling out. He wouldn't be lying or imagining it...I have drawn a line in the sand with them and I will continue to hold to that line. His sister has done the same thing. We both think it's sad when anyone is ill or dying, but that doesn't erase the many bad (really horrible) things that have been done. Plus, I'm even questioning if his dad is that sick. His mom is manipulative enough to have made this up just to get him back in communication. I've told him as such and he agrees that his mom may very well have made it up or exaggerated things.
I have suggested a Skype conversation so that he can see for himself what his dad looks like..we shall see how that goes.
With all of this talk and the reality that his dad might pass in the near future, he has begun to feel bad and started to gloss over the things his parents have done to all of us (him, his sister, his cousins, me). I know it's a natural thing, but I just wonder why it is that when someone is very ill or dead, we tend to make saints out of them. It seems almost unfair to the person's memory bc it's not accurate.
Both of my parents have passed and while I remember good times, I don't fool myself into believing they were without fault. I'm hyper realistic like that and so is my younger brother. Maybe it comes from dealing with death at a much younger age. Maybe it's a coping mechanism that I can't understand. It just seems like a disservice to paint people as perfect when none of us are.
What are your thoughts?
Ah, one of my pet peeves. Your husband might totally rewrite history after his dad's death. I worked with a guy who spent years talking about what a jerk his dad was. Womanizer, drunk, hit on this guy's girl friends while he was growing up, hot tempered and abusive. I met the guy once and he really was a jerk. My coworker never said one nice thing about his dad, and talked all the time about how he hated him.
Fast forward to his dad dying. All of a sudden he was the best dad that ever lived. He still, years later, puts up posts on FB with pictures of the wonderful memories he had growing up with the best dad ever. NEVER saw that coming, based in his feelings prior to his dad's death.
Ah, one of my pet peeves. Your husband might totally rewrite history after his dad's death. I worked with a guy who spent years talking about what a jerk his dad was. Womanizer, drunk, hit on this guy's girl friends while he was growing up, hot tempered and abusive. I met the guy once and he really was a jerk. My coworker never said one nice thing about his dad, and talked all the time about how he hated him.
Fast forward to his dad dying. All of a sudden he was the best dad that ever lived. He still, years later, puts up posts on FB with pictures of the wonderful memories he had growing up with the best dad ever. NEVER saw that coming, based in his feelings prior to his dad's death.
I know exactly what you mean. I have a niece whose mother was selfish, manipulative, and physically and psychologically abusive towards her from the day her younger sister was born, and her father, my brother, turned a blind eye to it. I witnessed both physical and psychological abuse by this woman, and I'm still sorry that I was talked out of reporting that witch to CPS by other family members because it enabled that woman to continue abusing her daughter psychologically even after she became an adult. The witch wrapped herself in her religiosity and respectability while remaining a selfish, manipulative monster within her own family. Her darling younger daughter is a carbon copy of her. I've had nothing to do with either my brother, his wife or their younger daughter for nearly a decade.
When the Wicked Witched died last year, the abused daughter turned "Mommy Dearest" into a saint. I don't pretend to be any kind of psychologist but my guess is that there's probably some kind of "abused child" syndrome out in the annals of psychology where the abused kid takes all the blame for evil the deceased parent inflicted upon him or her. Your coworker sounds like he suffers from the same malady.
Quite the contrary. I am already involved bc I am his wife and we make decisions together. You're right in that his dad might not even be sick but before my husband jumps on a plane to go visit, we have to know that for sure. Of course he is entitled to see his father. I wouldn't stand in the way of that. What I don't want to happen is for this to be yet another ploy and manipulation. Thus, the suggestion of skyping.
It's all very fresh so time will tell more. I just don't like the idea of this sudden near-deathness causing my husband to forget the significant amount of damage his parents have inflicted on so many people. Illness or no illness, they are still very bad ppl and I sincerely hope that my husband is not getting sucked back into their web.
From what you have posted about your in-laws I can picture his illness being a total fabrication at worse or possibly a complete exaggeration of something very minor.
I agree that Skyping with Dad would be a first step, possibly even asking Mom & Dad to send detailed information or medical reports so that the son can do research on treatment options (or whatever).
I know a family where the mother constantly "cried wolf" about various serious illnesses but whenever the adult children asked to go with her when she visited the doctor or asked for the names of the medical tests or to see her prescriptions she would suddenly back down. She was the type that could turn a stubbed toe into telling others that she had bone cancer and her leg may need to be amputated. When her adult children started to insist on going with her to the non-existent doctors appointments she would always back-pedal and admit that whatever the problem it was not really that serious.
Ah, one of my pet peeves. Your husband might totally rewrite history after his dad's death. I worked with a guy who spent years talking about what a jerk his dad was. Womanizer, drunk, hit on this guy's girl friends while he was growing up, hot tempered and abusive. I met the guy once and he really was a jerk. My coworker never said one nice thing about his dad, and talked all the time about how he hated him.
Fast forward to his dad dying. All of a sudden he was the best dad that ever lived. He still, years later, puts up posts on FB with pictures of the wonderful memories he had growing up with the best dad ever. NEVER saw that coming, based in his feelings prior to his dad's death.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda_d
I know exactly what you mean. I have a niece whose mother was selfish, manipulative, and physically and psychologically abusive towards her from the day her younger sister was born, and her father, my brother, turned a blind eye to it. I witnessed both physical and psychological abuse by this woman, and I'm still sorry that I was talked out of reporting that witch to CPS by other family members because it enabled that woman to continue abusing her daughter psychologically even after she became an adult. The witch wrapped herself in her religiosity and respectability while remaining a selfish, manipulative monster within her own family. Her darling younger daughter is a carbon copy of her. I've had nothing to do with either my brother, his wife or their younger daughter for nearly a decade.
When the Wicked Witched died last year, the abused daughter turned "Mommy Dearest" into a saint. I don't pretend to be any kind of psychologist but my guess is that there's probably some kind of "abused child" syndrome out in the annals of psychology where the abused kid takes all the blame for evil the deceased parent inflicted upon him or her. Your coworker sounds like he suffers from the same malady.
This all sounds VERY familiar and I fear history will be rewritten soon, especially if my husband travels there alone. He's already started saying "oh they aren't that bad. You and C are making things up." Sorry dude, but we aren't making up the physical abuse your sister endured, the verbal and emotional abuse you and I endured and the theft others have endured from them. It has to be some kind of abused syndrome...a variation of stockholm or something. I had to remind my husband that one of the last things his dad said to him in person was that he (my husband) was a lazy sack of sh** because he worked 6 days a week, 14 hours a day and hired out a landscape company to mow our lawn. This was said at a restaurant loudly enough for others to hear and look. It was terrible. Def not a finalist for father of the year. When I reminded him of this, he responded, "well, I work a lot, but I guess I could've cut the grass myself." No no no...WRONG, but it's gotta be a psychological thing.
From what you have posted about your in-laws I can picture his illness being a total fabrication at worse or possibly a complete exaggeration of something very minor.
I agree that Skyping with Dad would be a first step, possibly even asking Mom & Dad to send detailed information or medical reports so that the son can do research on treatment options (or whatever).
I know a family where the mother constantly "cried wolf" about various serious illnesses but whenever the adult children asked to go with her when she visited the doctor or asked for the names of the medical tests or to see her prescriptions she would suddenly back down. She was the type that could turn a stubbed toe into telling others that she had bone cancer and her leg may need to be amputated. When her adult children started to insist on going with her to the non-existent doctors appointments she would always back-pedal and admit that whatever the problem it was not really that serious.
I like the idea of seeing the medical reports and the list of medicines. His mother is savvy but not that savvy. I firmly believe the next request will be for my husband to come see his dad to "say goodbye." If I were crazy, that would be my move and apparently to predict their moves, you have to think a little crazy.
I will suggest my husband ask for the medical reports and medication list. Time to call the bluff.
I like the idea of seeing the medical reports and the list of medicines. His mother is savvy but not that savvy. I firmly believe the next request will be for my husband to come see his dad to "say goodbye." If I were crazy, that would be my move and apparently to predict their moves, you have to think a little crazy.
I will suggest my husband ask for the medical reports and medication list. Time to call the bluff.
When my husband was hospitalized due to a serous injury/illness, I gave the doctors & nurses permission to speak with our adult children. That really is not that unusual. My kids never actually called the doctors because I kept them well informed but they always had the option of doing it. And, yes, I did share medical reports and lists of medications if my kids asked (as they did do research on various things to help us out).
I would bet money that if your husband even asked for the name of the doctor so he could "check out his credentials" online they would not immediately have a name. And, it bet if your husband asked that he be given permission to speak to the doctor your parents would back down pronto.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TxHeather
At any rate, he's been ignoring their calls until recently when his mother shared that his dad has cirrhosis of the liver brought on by hepatitis (contracted when he was a fireman/EMT). She told my husband that his dad is dying and is now not eating much, sleeps all the time and has a very swollen abdomen. When my husband suggested he needed to go the hospital, my mother-in-law said he has an appt sometime next week and that he will go then.
Plus, I'm even questioning if his dad is that sick. His mom is manipulative enough to have made this up just to get him back in communication. I've told him as such and he agrees that his mom may very well have made it up or exaggerated things.
I have suggested a Skype conversation so that he can see for himself what his dad looks like..we shall see how that goes.
What are your thoughts?
Trust me, if your MIL really thinks that her husband is dying she would not wait until she takes him a doctors appointment "next week". If she tries that again, your hubby can say "Mom, If Dad is that sick I'll hang up right now and I'll call 911 in your city. Grab your purse as the ambulance will be at your front door in five minutes to take Dad to the hospital."
Last edited by germaine2626; 02-24-2016 at 12:20 PM..
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