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My brother and his wife have close b-days and so I usually just give them both a card on my brother's b-day.
My mom said my brother was annoyed that no one called his wife personally to wish her a happy birthday.
Is this a real thing? Is it normal for adults to be this sensitive about b-days? I feel like they are being petty and just using it as an excuse to control my behavior. I don't have a problem wishing her happy birthday but it seems a tad childish for people to critique how I do it and specifying how to do it.
And I don't like being locked into a certain behavior I HAVE to perform every year flawlessly and without fail just because he married someone or I'm scolded.
It seems to me my performance is being given way too much importance to the degree that my actual involvement in this relationship deserves.
Am I being unfair?
No...they are being petty. What do they do for your birthday?
My brother and his wife have close b-days and so I usually just give them both a card on my brother's b-day.
My mom said my brother was annoyed that no one called his wife personally to wish her a happy birthday.
Is this a real thing? Is it normal for adults to be this sensitive about b-days? I feel like they are being petty and just using it as an excuse to control my behavior. I don't have a problem wishing her happy birthday but it seems a tad childish for people to critique how I do it and specifying how to do it.
And I don't like being locked into a certain behavior I HAVE to perform every year flawlessly and without fail just because he married someone or I'm scolded.
It seems to me my performance is being given way too much importance to the degree that my actual involvement in this relationship deserves.
Am I being unfair?
What you are doing is equal to several things, one being the same as those who have a holiday birthday and get one gift that is for their birthday AND Christmas. The other part is you are basically telling your sister in law that the celebration of her birth is not important to you so you combine the card giving with another event. Beyond that I don't understand why it is so difficult to mail one card one day and the other card several days or a week later so they arrive separately.
My brother and his wife have close b-days and so I usually just give them both a card on my brother's b-day.
My mom said my brother was annoyed that no one called his wife personally to wish her a happy birthday.
Is this a real thing? Is it normal for adults to be this sensitive about b-days? I feel like they are being petty and just using it as an excuse to control my behavior. I don't have a problem wishing her happy birthday but it seems a tad childish for people to critique how I do it and specifying how to do it.
And I don't like being locked into a certain behavior I HAVE to perform every year flawlessly and without fail just because he married someone or I'm scolded.
It seems to me my performance is being given way too much importance to the degree that my actual involvement in this relationship deserves.
Am I being unfair?
Do they remember your birthday? What about your SO's birthday?
If you don't remember a person's birthday on the day, you aren't doing it well.
You seriously can't remember one person's birthday? Write it on the calendar. Put it in your smart phone. It happens every year.
This doesn't seem to be the problem, the OP knows when the SIL's birthday is, they just can't be bothered to care. Its much easier for them to give a joint birthday card to the brother and his wife on the brother's birthday, than to acknowledge each birthday separately on their own special day.
I'm curious as to how close the birthday's are. If they're only a day apart, and the OP is wishing the wife a happy birthday a day early, that doesn't seem as bad (as long as they are getting individual birthday cards), and maybe just a text the next day. But if they are weeks apart, and only considered close because they're within the same month, then there should be separate acknowledgements of each birthday. Even if its just a five minute phone call to the SIL.
This is so crazy. Why model your behavior after your sister in laws? Why start up the drama about them "controlling" you? Ridiculous. Why on earth do so many people make other people decide their behavior for them based on some sort of balancing act?
Do you like your sister in law? Do you want to make her feel good on her birthday? Decide what would make that be and then do that. If she likes a call (maybe her family always called, maybe she feels left out of the new family, who knows), then, if you actually like her at all, why not call? If for some reason a card on her husband's birthday instead of her own makes her feel bad, why on earth would you say "Too bad!" and feel put upon if you like your SIL.
Of course, if it's just the mother making stuff up, it's another story. Also another story if you really don't like your SiL and don't appreciate her as part of the family or someone who makes your brother happy.
I couldn't tell how many cards you give. Is it one to both of them? Or one for each of them, thoughtfully chosen to reflect each one's personality and your relationship?
If SIL's birthday is first, you might try giving them their cards (I really hope it's one for each of them) on HER birthday instead of your brother's birthday.
I agree with the previous posts that speculate there's a lot more going on here. It's not hard to pick up the phone or put a card in the mail for an individual birthday. Do you want to have a good relationship with your brother on an ongoing basis? For heaven's sake, do one nice thing for his wife ONCE A YEAR!
Last edited by Pocopsonite; 03-08-2016 at 11:30 PM..
Of all the issues in the world, this is not one that I would throw myself on my sword over. Be kind to your brother and SIL and throw a reminder in the calendar.
Exactly, it takes such little effort, and makes someone feel good. Why not just do it? Just be nice?
In my opinion , you are being unfair. What reasons can you give for not wishing your brother's wife a happy b-day just as you do with your brother? She obvious feels somehow left out. I understand the fact that you don't like being tied to a certain routine to follow every other year. Then why don't you try giving the two of them gifts on one b-day this year and then give the gifts on the other birthday next year.. I mean you try to alternate so that both feel equally loved.
My brother and his wife have close b-days and so I usually just give them both a card on my brother's b-day.
My mom said my brother was annoyed that no one called his wife personally to wish her a happy birthday.
Is this a real thing? Is it normal for adults to be this sensitive about b-days?I feel like they are being petty and just using it as an excuse to control my behavior.I don't have a problem wishing her happy birthday but it seems a tad childish for people to critique how I do it and specifying how to do it.
And I don't like being locked into a certain behavior I HAVE to perform every year flawlessly and without fail just because he married someone or I'm scolded.
It seems to me my performance is being given way too much importance to the degree that my actual involvement in this relationship deserves.
Am I being unfair?
Yes it is.
Yes it is normal some do like to be feel being loved even not at least on their birthdays.Nothing wrong with that.
There is nothing to control in your behavior . It is not an excuse it is an special day for some one what comes once a year. How come you don't understand that. you don't have a birthday ? you fallen from the sky just like that?
For me your entire post is childish and insane. Comparing to the matters in life what you describe here is nonsense, and stupid. Card does not cost that much either postage unless you have to send it to the other side of the world. Why not buy two cards and send on the same day for both with a good wish.
No you are being so selfish.
If I am not mistaken you posted before about this SIL that you bullied her at HS and your brother married her and she does not even want to make friends or keep in touch. look like you still bully her.
PS: Family members are family members either they liberal,democrats either socialists. Keep politics away from family bonds. Family ,,siblings, functional in laws are gifts , life is short enjoy the moments let go your hate what ever you have with them.
Last edited by Zeurich; 03-09-2016 at 01:31 AM..
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Try to alternate.
