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Sadly, this is very true. The OP was never very clear as to the last time they saw this friend, they said they have been trying to set something up for the last 2 or 3 years.
If that is the real time frame, than move on. This "friend" has no interest in seeing them. If they were they would make the time. Her husband could watch the kids on a Saturday. Or she could have just invited the OP over for the day.
If there are no set plans, just "we should get together sometime", it's amazing how much time can pass before you ever do get together. I don't have kids, but I also don't do vague, or last minute.
I think the OP is starting to see that parents of infants and toddlers don't have the luxury of unorganized free time to do things for themselves. Make plans, in advance, with something specific in mind, so her friend can coordinate childcare, or accommodate something at the friend's house.
I am in my 40s - single and childfree. Staying childfree was the smartest thing I ever did - for me. I lost a few friends also when they became parents. I have a friendship now I'm slowly dropping and letting it nicely fade away. COUPLES AND SINGLES DO NOT MIX. CHILDFREE AND PARENTS DO NOT MIX. The people on here who already said that are so right.
I was always the one to initiate plans. I was the one to make more calls and call backs. They always cancel or are chronically late. They always change plans in the middle. There was resentment that I chose my child-free lifestyle. There was personal judgement, bitterness - "you just don't understand ...parenthood...motherhood...etc." I made enough plans and was very accommodating. Nobody appreciated that. I've heard it all in 12 years. Let them slowly go out of your life. Good riddance seriously.That's what I did.
Don't you get tired of hearing about motherhood, fatherhood, children?? all the conversations revolve around that. Nobody asks how you're doing, what you're up to, etc. You're just here to listen to them whine about their "hard life" and brag. You're the free shrink to them. That's all they do. None of them do anything else. When is the last time any of them read a book or a magazine? Last time they saw a great movie? Last time they went anywhere that had nothing to do with young children? Can any of them even have an intelligent conversation? Seriously? When they do finally get together with you- they're exhausted..they drone on and on about insipid shyte. You spend an hour with them and you're drained. These "friends" suck the life out of you.
LET THEM GO. Enjoy your life and live it your way.They just use you to whine, to brag and oh yes...to take a break from their kids.
Agree with ALL of the above.
I had to accept the fact that my friend was no longer the caring, bright and witty person she once was. She was now the kind of person who parks her kids in front of the TV to watch "Frozen" for the 100th time so she can take a dump in peace and quiet.
I don't make friends of child-bearing age, I don't cultivate relationships with professionals (doctors, lawyers, accountants) of child-bearing age because experience has taught me they won't be there if I need them.
I had to accept the fact that my friend was no longer the caring, bright and witty person she once was. She was now the kind of person who parks her kids in front of the TV to watch "Frozen" for the 100th time so she can take a dump in peace and quiet.
I don't make friends of child-bearing age, I don't cultivate relationships with professionals (doctors, lawyers, accountants) of child-bearing age because experience has taught me they won't be there if I need them.
.... but you also have the other extreme with parents who make their ENTIRE LIFE about their children and don't prioritize doing other things once in awhile and maintaining a sense of their own identity. They think being a good parent means totally smashing your own life to bits and pieces while doing EVERYTHING for the children. Nonsense. Adults need time in the gym or with their friends every bit as much as children "need" after-school activities like soccer, baseball etc.
I grew up in a family where that attitude (particularly among my aunts) was very common.....I know I got a LOT of flack for feeling differently when I became a parent myself.
I had to accept the fact that my friend was no longer the caring, bright and witty person she once was. She was now the kind of person who parks her kids in front of the TV to watch "Frozen" for the 100th time so she can take a dump in peace and quiet.
I don't make friends of child-bearing age, I don't cultivate relationships with professionals (doctors, lawyers, accountants) of child-bearing age because experience has taught me they won't be there if I need them.
Being too busy to drop everything for a beer and answering the phone in the middle of the night to help your friend in the hospital are two very different things.
Or maybe it's all the same to you.
Part of being friends is understanding what the other is going through. It's a two-way street. Just like it's not nice to be ignored by your friends who are suddenly saddled with immense 24/7 responsibility, it's also not nice to completely forget about people you've been close to just bc they can't drop everything at a whim anymore to entertain you. And I don't think anyone is advocating that either position is right.
But to say pals with kids won't be there for you? Well, that's likely the most worthless thing I read on this forum in a long time.
If there are no set plans, just "we should get together sometime", it's amazing how much time can pass before you ever do get together. I don't have kids, but I also don't do vague, or last minute.
I think the OP is starting to see that parents of infants and toddlers don't have the luxury of unorganized free time to do things for themselves. Make plans, in advance, with something specific in mind, so her friend can coordinate childcare, or accommodate something at the friend's house.
Great post.
And btw, even before I had children, I did not like last-minute plans. And I did not like vague generalizations about getting together at some time in the future. I like people calling and asking if we could go see a movie on Sunday. Or if we could go out to eat on Tuesday.
Sadly, this is very true. The OP was never very clear as to the last time they saw this friend, they said they have been trying to set something up for the last 2 or 3 years.
If that is the real time frame, than move on. This "friend" has no interest in seeing them. If they were they would make the time. Her husband could watch the kids on a Saturday. Or she could have just invited the OP over for the day.
the last time i saw my friend it was september 2015... my boyfriend and i had a BBQ at our apartment and we invited her and her hubby in advance and they brought their kid.
before that it was march 2015 and we went to the movies lol.
before that it was 2014.....
so i saw her twice in 2015. i used to see her at LEAST once a month. but after reading this thread maybe it's just that i have to accept i will be seeing her less. and that twice in one year is still good enough to stay in touch. the other thing is that i'm always the one asking to hang out... like the movies in march and the bbq in september were both ME initiating. there were other times in 2015 i initiated and she said she couldn't.
so it's mix of the frequency of seeing her (once a month pre-kids to now twice a year post-kids) and the fact that she NEVER initiates. which leaves me feeling like she doesn't care about the friendship. but again, after reading this thread, maybe it's normal. maybe you kick all your friends to the curb once you have kids. maybe she is just the type of mom that puts all of her energy, thoughts, time into her kids and doesn't look to maintain things in her life outside of her kids.
i was taking it personally and thinking i did something wrong. but maybe i didnt.
the last time i saw my friend it was september 2015... my boyfriend and i had a BBQ at our apartment and we invited her and her hubby in advance and they brought their kid.
before that it was march 2015 and we went to the movies lol.
before that it was 2014.....
so i saw her twice in 2015. i used to see her at LEAST once a month. but after reading this thread maybe it's just that i have to accept i will be seeing her less. and that twice in one year is still good enough to stay in touch. the other thing is that i'm always the one asking to hang out... like the movies in march and the bbq in september were both ME initiating. there were other times in 2015 i initiated and she said she couldn't.
so it's mix of the frequency of seeing her (once a month pre-kids to now twice a year post-kids) and the fact that she NEVER initiates. which leaves me feeling like she doesn't care about the friendship. but again, after reading this thread, maybe it's normal. maybe you kick all your friends to the curb once you have kids. maybe she is just the type of mom that puts all of her energy, thoughts, time into her kids and doesn't look to maintain things in her life outside of her kids.
i was taking it personally and thinking i did something wrong. but maybe i didnt.
That's the way it goes with some of our friends with small children as well.
I know it isn't much consolation to you, but if you consider things from her perspective, she does not have the luxury of free time, and I'm going to assume she has more than one friend in life, so this may be all she can offer you right now. If it's not good enough, you can back away, but I value my friendships based on the connection we have, not just the amount of time we see each other.
Her lack of initiation has nothing to do with her not caring about you. She's just got 800,000 things on their mind. Then she'll think, "Man, I wanna see/talk to my pal..." and then the dog will vomit and she'll have to jump up and keep her kid from playing with it while she gets stuff to clean it up with and crap I didn't get to the store today and we're out of paper towels...
That's the way it goes with some of our friends with small children as well.
I know it isn't much consolation to you, but if you consider things from her perspective, she does not have the luxury of free time, and I'm going to assume she has more than one friend in life, so this may be all she can offer you right now. If it's not good enough, you can back away, but I value my friendships based on the connection we have, not just the amount of time we see each other.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4
Her lack of initiation has nothing to do with her not caring about you. She's just got 800,000 things on their mind. Then she'll think, "Man, I wanna see/talk to my pal..." and then the dog will vomit and she'll have to jump up and keep her kid from playing with it while she gets stuff to clean it up with and crap I didn't get to the store today and we're out of paper towels...
good points
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