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anyone ever have friends kind of "disappear" once they have kids?
i'm 28 and i only have a few really close girlfriends. one of them has a 3 year old and just had a second child recently. i NEVER see her anymore. i've asked her numerous times throughout the past 2-3 years to do stuff and she never can... i don't know if she just doesn't want to and uses having a kid as an excuse or she doesn't want to leave him with anyone else other than herself.
my other really close girlfriend is married and probably going to get pregnant soon as well. i'm trying to plan in advance to make sure our friendship doesn't fall apart like it did with my other friend.
i don't know. just kind of down in the dumps about it. i don't know if i'm supposed to be inviting myself over to see her with her kids or what. i thought most people leave kids with a babysitter once in a blue moon to enjoy a night out, but that doesn't seem to be the case. i don't have kids (obviously) so i have no idea what it's like so i dont want to sound rude here, i just wish i could have a better understanding of what i should/could do to make our friendship better when one person is in a different chapter of their life.
What kinds of things are you asking your friends with kids to do? Most times, you need to understand that they have other priorities than just hanging out with you, but usually given enough advance notice they can generally fit your friendship in with their schedules. Your friend with a toddler and a baby is probably exhausted, and that's less of an excuse than the truth.
What kinds of things are you asking your friends with kids to do? Most times, you need to understand that they have other priorities than just hanging out with you, but usually given enough advance notice they can generally fit your friendship in with their schedules.
hmm maybe the advance notice is the problem. sometimes i'll just text like "hey want to do something later?" lol i literally would do anything, grab a coffee, see a movie, get food, just hang for an hour or two. with or without kids, doesn't matter to me. just something to keep in touch.
Quote:
Originally Posted by torontocheeka
Time to make some new friends.
ugh, do you think? is it normal that that kind of happens?
People with kids under the age of 4 usually drop off the face of the Earth. When the children are aged 4 or 5 and don't require the huge time commitment they once did, people usually become social again.
hmm maybe the advance notice is the problem. sometimes i'll just text like "hey want to do something later?" lol i literally would do anything, grab a coffee, see a movie, get food, just hang for an hour or two. with or without kids, doesn't matter to me. just something to keep in touch.
Yeah, that's going to be an issue. Not that your friends have to ask permission, but they need to coordinate with their spouse's schedule, set up childcare, etc. You might have better luck asking if they want to get a pedicure or go for brunch or get coffee and take the kids to the playground (something specific) in the next couple of weeks and give them a chance to plan for it. Somebody with little kids doesn't really have the luxury of being spontaneous.
Until the day comes that you are a mother yourself you truly have NO idea about how difficult it is to raise a child. I had a best friend like you, had yet to get married and start a family when the majority of people around us were getting married and having babies. I got married 7 years before her and had children 6 years before her. The key word here is HAD. She was never there for me when I was planning my wedding, when I was pregnant and when I had my children. I had to come to the sad realization that she just wasn't reliable unless it suited her or unless she needed something from me. So, I don't have a best friend anymore. Actually, I shouldn't say that, my DH is my best friend and he's a helluva lot more reliable than my old one.
My advice? If you want to KEEP your friends, then you need to GROW with your friends, and that includes when any one of your lives changes. BE THERE for them because let me tell you- raising small children can be very lonely and utterly exhausting and when your "friends" just drop off the face of the earth because you up and had a baby...well, from experience I can tell you that it is an awful experience.
Usually they do disappear for awhile. I'm willing to accommodate my friend's schedules, their kid's schedules and their dog's schedules. I'll go to them, they can come to me, I'm happy to sit in their chaotic living room and make endless airplane noises at their child while they take an uninterrupted shower. I can schedule hours in advance, I can schedule weeks in advance. Unfortunately, I think many of them just don't have the energy to keep up on non-parent friends. Plus, I can listen to poopy diaper stories for the entire afternoon, but I think most of them feel bad that they don't have much outside their kids to talk about. You're just in really different spots in life, and relating to each other takes more effort.
I do have a few friends who have made a pretty fierce effort not to give up their hobbies and non-parent friends, but it takes a lot of energy, and usually people just don't have it.
hmm maybe the advance notice is the problem. sometimes i'll just text like "hey want to do something later?" lol i literally would do anything, grab a coffee, see a movie, get food, just hang for an hour or two. with or without kids, doesn't matter to me. just something to keep in touch.
Uh yeah ... that sort of thing doesn't happen with a 3 year old. Going anywhere with a child is a much bigger production than when you're a single 20-something.
And going out without kids can be just as involved.
If you want to spend time with your friend, how about saying "I really miss hanging out with you. How about I bring over a bottle of wine Saturday night and I can help you fold some laundry while we catch up?"
anyone ever have friends kind of "disappear" once they have kids?
i'm 28 and i only have a few really close girlfriends. one of them has a 3 year old and just had a second child recently. i NEVER see her anymore. i've asked her numerous times throughout the past 2-3 years to do stuff and she never can... i don't know if she just doesn't want to and uses having a kid as an excuse or she doesn't want to leave him with anyone else other than herself.
my other really close girlfriend is married and probably going to get pregnant soon as well. i'm trying to plan in advance to make sure our friendship doesn't fall apart like it did with my other friend.
i don't know. just kind of down in the dumps about it. i don't know if i'm supposed to be inviting myself over to see her with her kids or what. i thought most people leave kids with a babysitter once in a blue moon to enjoy a night out, but that doesn't seem to be the case. i don't have kids (obviously) so i have no idea what it's like so i dont want to sound rude here, i just wish i could have a better understanding of what i should/could do to make our friendship better when one person is in a different chapter of their life.
I'm a cynical person so I think it's best not to be dependent on people for friendship since their family (spouse, children) will always come before you (as they should). I would hope that your true friends would still try to keep in contact in some way, but many people aren't real friends and just associate with you as long as it's convenient for them. I have acquaintances with children who I talk to every now and then, but I expect nothing out of them since we have no obligations to each other and I don't rely on them to socialize with me.
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