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We are very different people with very different lives. Not to sound cold, but I have no interest in hearing about her couples dinner parties, weddings, new babies, the raise she just got (she makes twice my salary), or how I haven't "made enough effort" to get over my mother's death. She is very judgmental. And yes, I get jeleous of her perfect life, as horrible as that sounds. I am single, in poor health, struggling with depression, in and out of jobs and I just think I need to be around people who maybe can understand what I am going through right now. Or not be around anyone
So no one has done anything wrong and we did not have an argument.
I understand completely. It happens when friends go on different paths.
Quite frankly, she brings me down, since her life is so perfect. Please don't flame me, I am just being honest.
It's hard when your life is crap to hear how wonderful someone's is all the time.
I think it's great that you're being honest. Both of my former friends have been wildly successfully while my husband and I struggled for many years. It was hard to hear about their fabulous vacations while we had one three day vacation in 10 years. When my husband was sick and dying, never heard from either of them. Ditto when he died and I was diagnosed with cancer 8 months later. While I had always been there for them, either physically or emotionally I got nothing in return, not even a sympathy card or a phone call to see how I was doing.
The friend in NY has tried to keep in touch but I have no desire to remain friends with someone who showed no concern or regard for me when I needed a friend. I've haven't said anything to her why I don't keep in touch because what's done is done, she can't change the past.
Yet when my mom died and I was so alone and offered to fly her down, she couldn't find a spare weekend. Emails are easy. It's being there when someone really is in dire straits that is the hard part.
Sorry for the loss of your mom(I have been through that), but why on earth would you fly down someone you never met? You live in FL, you have no friends or family down there? I could see flying down an old friend that you actually knew in real life, not someone you never met.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eeko156
Quite frankly, she brings me down, since her life is so perfect. Please don't flame me, I am just being honest.
It's hard when your life is crap to hear how wonderful someone's is all the time.
Come on, I am going to guess that you're not under 25, do you believe everything you read? No ones life is perfect, she only shares with you positive stuff, for all you know she is in debt up to her eyeballs or her marrigge is horrible.
You sound like one of these twenty somethings who believe everything they read on Facebook and how their life sucks and their HS friends(that they never see in real life) have perfect lives.
I'm still trying to figure out why relationships must end with a BANG! instead of just running out of steam. Eventually she'll get frustrated because you aren't holding up your end of the relationship, and she'll be on City-Data to bemoan the fact that a good friend has suddenly ghosted and won't respond to emails, etc., even though she sent a cute "miss you" kitty-cat greeting card.
A quick, "Sorry, Can't talk, busy . . . " ends a phone call. A one line response to a two page email. A brief "LOL" to a text message. Don't get engaged in a conversation, don't initiate, and don't prolong it. Eventually, she'll wander away. If she asks, "Why are you ignoring me?", be honest: "I have a busy life and a lot of things on my plate right now -- I'm not in a position to nurture a long-distance friendship."
Have you checked our her life on, say, fb? Maybe her life isn't as great as you think it is.
Imo, she may be great long distance. Someone who looks good on paper. Happy, upbeat, life in order. (Although wishing she had your neighbor's number to contact to see if you were okay could be scarey.)
Yet, talk about death and her being three dimensional in your life (visiting you).....she's not so good on that.
I actually had a similar situation but a much more brief time period and only on a message board. I wasn't on for a few days and didn't respond to this person who had an instant friendship with me and they were very very upset. Because of the situation I was able to say thanks all, had all my questions answered, all the very best.
Just from my distant point of view I wonder about something. Coming on fast and hard and wanting to know about you even to the thought of contacting others about you. That can go beyond sweet and friendly to actually controlling.
But not wanting to be physically real ...or not able to be...hmmm.
Is this person who she says she is, do you know for sure? Do you feel the person is sort of stalking? Maybe the woman isn't for real. Controlling but for some reason not really able to every follow through on the friendship to actually see you face to face.
She hasn't asked you for money, has she?
Are you sure this person is a woman?
I can understand your skeptisism - it is healthy, with all the nuts out there. But no, she is for real. I've even had communication with her other relatives on occassion, received a million photos, was invited to her wedding, etc.
And yeah, her life is pretty perfect. I mean, no one has a perfect life, but a loving spouse, a large, extended supportive family and a job that pays what I would only make in my dreams is pretty good.
[quote=Eeko156;43796536]Quite frankly, she brings me down, since her life is so perfect. Please don't flame me, I am just being honest.
It's hard when your life is crap to hear how wonderful someone's is all the time.
So you feel the need to punish her because her life is better then yours? I can understand your dealing with depression and all that baggage that goes with it, but if you eliminate everyone in your life that you perceive as having a better life then yours, then what are you left with?
Have you been totally honest with how you feel to her. Have you told her that you are in a low point in your life and that you need encouragement now vs hearing about how wonderful her life is?
People are not mind readers and unless there is open, honest communication, then even the best of friendships can fall apart and leave one scratching their head and wondering why.
How about telling her that you're not in a good place and need some space for now? Why burn bridges and eliminate someone from your life that may evolve into having a second family?
Life is constantly changing and there are times when your life is better then others, and there are times when it's not. Is she supposed to deny her life to make you feel better? Is that fair?
You can't hold it against her that her life is happy now. Building character is also about accepting and dealing with your baggage while being able to be happy for someone else that is in a better place. I guess it is easier to run and hide though.
Quite frankly, she brings me down, since her life is so perfect. Please don't flame me, I am just being honest.
It's hard when your life is crap to hear how wonderful someone's is all the time.
So you feel the need to punish her because her life is better then yours? I can understand your dealing with depression and all that baggage that goes with it, but if you eliminate everyone in your life that you perceive as having a better life then yours, then what are you left with?
Have you been totally honest with how you feel to her. Have you told her that you are in a low point in your life and that you need encouragement now vs hearing about how wonderful her life is?
People are not mind readers and unless there is open, honest communication, then even the best of friendships can fall apart and leave one scratching their head and wondering why.
How about telling her that you're not in a good place and need some space for now? Why burn bridges and eliminate someone from your life that may evolve into having a second family?
Life is constantly changing and there are times when your life is better then others, and there are times when it's not. Is she supposed to deny her life to make you feel better? Is that fair?
You can't hold it against her that her life is happy now. Building character is also about accepting and dealing with your baggage while being able to be happy for someone else that is in a better place. I guess it is easier to run and hide though.
I find it very sad that someone is jealous of another person, unless that person has wronged you or done something horrible, I don't get putting energy into that.
Wow why does it have to be all or nothing? I have a lot of friends here on City Data that I may never meet, yet I enjoy talking to them immensely. I have met some and it's been a wonderful experience. There are many more I hope to meet someday.
It seems kind of cold to say that you are insignificant to me now and I don't want to talk to you anymore. Lives change, circumstances change and you may indeed meet some day.
I mean really how long does it take to send an e-mail? I could never just say go away to someone without a little bit better reason then I don't want to send you an e-mail.
It's a different story when you walk away from toxic people, quite another when you walk away for something so insignificant.
People are not play things you just toss aside out of laziness or what may be a temporary lull in the friendship.
Think long and hard before you hurt some one's feelings like that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin
Exactly, how much effort does it take to send a quick email?
And the OP sounds "put out" that this person got concerned when she didn't hear from the OP. Well things do happen to people. What was she supposed to think? All of a sudden you don't hear from someone you are going to wonder are they OK?
This^^^^
As one who has been on the other end---someone abruptly ending contact with me without an explanation or being told that nothing is wrong when asked, then told they will keep in touch, only to disappear---I agree with the above.
I've had friendships that just faded away that were unspoken but mutual when it came to letting things fade---I believe that happens to most of us at some point.
I'm also more than willing to allow someone to set the pace concerning just how often they want to keep in touch. That said, it's hurtful and bewildering when someone you thought was a friend just abruptly cuts off contact.
And, yes, it is a different story when you walk away from toxic people. The woman the OP discusses doesn't strike me as toxic. The OP said she offered to pay to have this woman come visit her at a time when she needed support and the woman declined. If the woman had kids at that point in her life---especially very young ones---taking off for a weekend is not always the easiest thing to do. I'm wondering if she offered an explanation as to why she didn't want to visit. The fact that she wants to keep in touch with the OP, says, to me, that she does still want to keep communications going.
I once knew someone who would tell me that she ended friendships with people because she "outgrew them". If someone keeps ending friendship after friendship for that reason, pretty soon there will be no more friends. When this person told me this about "outgrowing friendships", in the back of my mind, I wondered if she would "outgrow" me. Sure enough, she eventually stopped staying in touch.
OP, how about being honest by saying to her that of late, you don't feel up to keeping constant communication due to your depression. If this woman is compassionate, she will understand---perhaps she will then tell you she understands and when you're ready to communicate again, she will be there.
BTW, I keep in touch with many women that I've met online. In fact, some of us who were regular posters on another website, eventually created our own discussion group. I have met a few of them in person and hope to eventually meet more of them. Despite not meeting all of them, I've been amazed by the support we've given one another. One of the women visited the country where my maternal grandparents were born---a country that it's highly unlikely I will ever visit. I asked her to post photos of her trip. She not only did that but mailed me a few souvenirs---not a cheap thing to do as she is in another country. Thanks to the internet, I have met many people whom I never would have met otherwise, but I digress...
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