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She cared enough to notice that you had been silent. That's not a common thing these days, with many, if not most people using things like social media and email to talk about themselves without regard for whether people are listening. Do you really want to be one of those people who hurts feelings and causes rancor for no reason other than convenience for yourself, so you don't have to take the time to disengage in a less hurtful way?
As one who has been on the other end---someone abruptly ending contact with me without an explanation or being told that nothing is wrong when asked, then told they will keep in touch, only to disappear---I agree with the above.
I've had friendships that just faded away that were unspoken but mutual when it came to letting things fade---I believe that happens to most of us at some point.
I'm also more than willing to allow someone to set the pace concerning just how often they want to keep in touch. That said, it's hurtful and bewildering when someone you thought was a friend just abruptly cuts off contact.
And, yes, it is a different story when you walk away from toxic people. The woman the OP discusses doesn't strike me as toxic. The OP said she offered to pay to have this woman come visit her at a time when she needed support and the woman declined. If the woman had kids at that point in her life---especially very young ones---taking off for a weekend is not always the easiest thing to do. I'm wondering if she offered an explanation as to why she didn't want to visit. The fact that she wants to keep in touch with the OP, says, to me, that she does still want to keep communications going.
I once knew someone who would tell me that she ended friendships with people because she "outgrew them". If someone keeps ending friendship after friendship for that reason, pretty soon there will be no more friends. When this person told me this about "outgrowing friendships", in the back of my mind, I wondered if she would "outgrow" me. Sure enough, she eventually stopped staying in touch.
OP, how about being honest by saying to her that of late, you don't feel up to keeping constant communication due to your depression. If this woman is compassionate, she will understand---perhaps she will then tell you she understands and when you're ready to communicate again, she will be there.
BTW, I keep in touch with many women that I've met online. In fact, some of us who were regular posters on another website, eventually created our own discussion group. I have met a few of them in person and hope to eventually meet more of them. Despite not meeting all of them, I've been amazed by the support we've given one another. One of the women visited the country where my maternal grandparents were born---a country that it's highly unlikely I will ever visit. I asked her to post photos of her trip. She not only did that but mailed me a few souvenirs---not a cheap thing to do as she is in another country. Thanks to the internet, I have met many people whom I never would have met otherwise, but I digress...
Agree, I would add the OP lives in Florida, and the "friend" in Washington state, that's about far apart as you get in the US. Offering to fly someone down for a weekend, when you're talking an all day trip just to get there, is a lot. Doesn't sound like the OP wanted her down for a week or two, to make that kind of trip most people need/want a longer stay.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JasperJade;43812101[B
]She cared enough to notice that you had been silent. That's not a common thing these days, with many, if not most people using things like social media and email to talk about themselves without regard for whether people are listening.[/b] Do you really want to be one of those people who hurts feelings and causes rancor for no reason other than convenience for yourself, so you don't have to take the time to disengage in a less hurtful way?
Exactly, what are you to think if all of a sudden you don't hear from someone you hear from on a regular basis? You're going to get concerned.
And you're right, many these days only want to talk about themselves.
You guys can judge me all you want, call me jealous, whatever. The bottom line is I no longer wish to correspond with this person, whom I have never met.
I have responded to her last few emails, because I don't want to be mean, or whatever.
I'm just going to be honest and tell her we will never meet, and I don't feel we have anything in common at this junction in our lives. She has a loving family, she'll get over it. She doesn't need me.
There's more, but I never got into it here. She has upset me sometimes (not meaning to, of course). So I am not an ogre, despite what you may think.
I find it very sad that someone is jealous of another person, unless that person has wronged you or done something horrible, I don't get putting energy into that.
It also ages you.
That was real helpful, thanks. (yes, I am being sarcastic).
Listen, I get it. I was in the same position with an old friend from college who lives about 2 states away from me. we were good friends in our 20's-I was her bridesmaid and we would get together regularly. But as I got older, I had my own life, and I wasn't very interested in driving 2 states away to go visit her and she had a family and wasn't interested in coming to visit me (nor do I have any room to put guests). I was going through a very difficult period of taking care of an ailing parent who eventually passed away. She kept inviting me to visit her (2 states away). It was always about her. Her life, her family, her parties...Couldn't she understand that I have a life too, and at that point couldn't leave my ailing parent? I have since drifted away from contacting her. I moved and haven't given her my new address. Part of me thinks, in this day and age, if she really wanted to be in touch with me again, she could have gotten my new address on the internet. The relationship ran it's course big time.
You don't need to justify to us why you want to no longer have this friendship, the question is how to end it...
I personally don't cut someone out of my life unless they are cruel, treated me badly, or have gone rabid (like an ad hominem attack). In those cases there's really no reason to fight or participate in creating drama and pain. They're not going to change and it's either accept as is or move along down the road. I finally figured that out over many years.
Growing apart does happen and for many reasons, which I consider a different situation than what I mention above. That's what you're facing. You might be jealous of her 'perfect' life...it happens. For whatever reason you don't feel connected and it's just not working for you. So it really is 'you,' not her. And that's okay. You have 2 choices:
1. Rip the bandaid off. "This just isn't working for me..."
2. Do a slower more gradual fade, which is what tends to happen naturally when people get busy and their lives take them in new directions.
There's no one right way, there's only the way that you feel is best in your situation. Just don't go on the attack or blame her. This really is about you changing and finding you need different things in your life. "This just isn't working for me" really does cover it and without blame.
Good luck!
Last edited by lottamoxie; 05-06-2016 at 02:58 PM..
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(yes, I am being sarcastic).
