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I read the bolded part and I physically cringed. What an awful and stupid thing to say to a little kid. Take the ugly racism part out and substitute is with any other mean spirited criticism over something you can't change is just as ugly.
Sorry your daughter had to hear that, and from someone that supposedly loves them. IDK. I'm not so sure I could get over it myself. I wished I had more to offer in way of advice. I'd probably kick her to the curb, but as you know it's going to have ripple effects within the family, just know that things most likely won't be the same if you chose to cut her out of your life, how do you handle future family gathers etc etc.
All that being said I'd most likely just remove myself and my kids out of that situation. The problem is is that's how the woman thinks, even if she apologizes it's still in her mindset and view of black people. You can apologize but whatever, it wasn't something that was said in heat of the moment, we've have all said mean things before but weren't necessialry true. That isn't the same as what she said to her.
When I heard what my eldest daughter said my aunt told my youngest, I cried for an hour straight.
Regarding the ripple effects . . . yes you are right. They have already started. But the happiness and wellbeing of my kids is my priority, and if that causes rippling effects in my extended family, so be it.
When I heard what my eldest daughter said my aunt told my youngest, I cried for an hour straight.
Regarding the ripple effects . . . yes you are right. They have already started. But the happiness and wellbeing of my kids is my priority, and if that causes rippling effects in my extended family, so be it.
I'm really sorry this happened. I'm not really too often moved by things here but this thread is a real bummer man. Sometimes people can be so dumb and the say stupid things. Your aunt probably didn't say it to be mean on purpose, only you can answer that part for sure, but sometimes people say things without running it through a filter first.
I'm really sorry this happened. I'm not really too often moved by things here but this thread is a real bummer man. Sometimes people can be so dumb and the say stupid things. Your aunt probably didn't say it to be mean on purpose, only you can answer that part for sure, but sometimes people say things without running it through a filter first.
You see, I just don't see it like that. The last 3 times my aunt took my kids in for the weekend, my eldest daughter told me she had been clearly favoring her. She didn't say anything about their differing skin tones, etc. But my 14 yr old did say there had been favoritism. It was only the last time they were there, my aunt said what she did to my youngest. Which just puts the favoritism in context. So it couldn't have been a spur of the moment thing. It was calculated and deliberate.
Anyone who would do something that she surely knew would hurt the children cannot be trusted. "I grew up in different times" is an explanation, but in no way an excuse.
But I agree with your husband, you and your family should still attend family gatherings, and just quietly avoid this particular aunt.
Sorry for what has happened to your and your children.
You see, I just don't see it like that. The last 3 times my aunt took my kids in for the weekend, my eldest daughter told me she had been clearly favoring her. She didn't say anything about their differing skin tones, etc. But my 14 yr old did say there had been favoritism. It was only the last time they were there, my aunt said what she did to my youngest. Which just puts the favoritism in context. So it couldn't have been a spur of the moment thing. It was calculated and deliberate.
Then kick that woman to the curb. Like you said your daughters well being comes miles ahead of sparing others hurt feelings. As far as I'm concerned in these family situation such as you laid out with the tight bonds and all, that is fine and great but to me your primary focus should be your family as in your husband and two kids and your marriage, all that comes first as far as I how I roll.
I come from a very large family. Large but closely-knit. Everyone turns up for birthdays, weddings, parties, etc. Cousins in our family aren't cousins - they are brothers and sisters. Aunts and uncles are more like second parents. It's always been like that in our family and I feel very privileged to have grown up in such an environment. But right now things aren't good, and it all starts with what my aunt (mom's sister) said and did to my daughters.
My daughters (11 and 14) are biracial. I'm white and my husband is African-American. As I said, my family is closely-knit, so when I was growing up as a child, I considered my aunt to be something akin to a second mother. We were close, and until this incident, had been close. Sometimes my daughters would spend the weekend at my aunt's place.
Two weeks ago, I picked my daughters up after they spent the weekend at my aunt's place. My youngest started crying, and my eldest also started crying. I asked them what was wrong. My eldest told me that during the last few visits to her house, my aunt had been favoring her. With things like treats, compliments and just general friendliness. And that she hadn't been as receptive to my youngest daughter. The reason? Because my 14 yr old has lighter skin (it's more "white" than "black") and my 11 yr old has a darker complexion (think light caramel brown). She told my youngest, "if only you had your sister's skin tone, you'd be so much prettier. It's a shame."
Words cannot explain how angry and heartbroken I was (and still am) when I heard this. I confronted my aunt. She didn't deny what my kids told me about her - she only came out with BS "I grew up in a different time" excuses. I told her that I never want to see her anywhere near my family again. I just can't believe she did and said the things she did. This is a person I simply don't know. And the fact that it wasn't a one off, "slip of the tongue" occasion makes it even worse. It was absolutely calculated and deliberate over a period of time.
As I have said, my family is closely-knit, and this incident has caused a stir. My parents are just as furious as I am and are not speaking to my aunt. There are several people in my family (my siblings) who have taken the same lead. But then there is another side that is saying I'm overreacting and that I should forgive my aunt. That what she did and said isn't too big a deal. There are several big family events coming up and with the way things are right now, they are going to be a total disaster.
I just can't find it in me to forgive my aunt. If she had done something directly to ME (and isolated to myself) I could find it in me to forgive. But not what she did to my daughters. No way. First of all there is no way I could trust my aunt to be alone with my daughters ever again. Also, I don't want my kids to remember what happened. That will happen every time they see my aunt. And I simply will not put them in that situation.
How old is your aunt? The reason I ask is I wonder if there is something going on health wise? Not giving her a pass on what she did, but it's odd that after all these years she would say something now.
When Dementia starts, people start to say things that are off the wall, out of character. The first reaction is of course for the family to be offended and perplexed.
This may not be the case, but just something to think of.
How old is your aunt? The reason I ask is I wonder if there is something going on health wise? Not giving her a pass on what she did, but it's odd that after all these years she would say something now.
When Dementia starts, people start to say things that are off the wall, out of character. The first reaction is of course for the family to be offended and perplexed.
This may not be the case, but just something to think of.
You see, I just don't see it like that. The last 3 times my aunt took my kids in for the weekend, my eldest daughter told me she had been clearly favoring her. She didn't say anything about their differing skin tones, etc. But my 14 yr old did say there had been favoritism. It was only the last time they were there, my aunt said what she did to my youngest. Which just puts the favoritism in context. So it couldn't have been a spur of the moment thing. It was calculated and deliberate.
So why was the favoritism OK before you knew the reason why? Why didn't you ask the aunt what was going on?
This is going to be as big as you make. If you want an all out war within the extended family for years, tearing everyone apart, you can do that.
Or you can take a few deep breaths and ask yourself: What will benefit my daughters, my husband and myself? Do you want to cut off all contact with this woman you viewed as a second mom? If she was a true vindictive racist, you and your daughters would have never been allowed in her house. She would have cut you off the minute she met your husband. Think about it.
Love the sinner, not the sin. This is a teachable moment and you are in a position to show a tremendous life lesson to your daughters. Choose your actions and your words wisely.
Last edited by newtovenice; 08-23-2016 at 02:17 PM..
Reason: addition
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