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Little children shouldn't be told to "have a conversation" with adults who insult them over the color of their skin, nor should issues like this be shoved under the rug for the sake of family harmony. Rug-sweeping is not healing. The lesson these girls would learn from such a response is that they should prioritize not making waves and being nice over protecting themselves.
The adults should have the conversation with each other over this.
At the same time, it's also a good conversation for the parents to have with the kids.
There is a middle, non-drama route ground between "shoving things under the rug" and making a huge family drama around this.
No, she has never had any history of outward racism. The more I think about it, the more I think colorism. And for me, that doesn't make it any less harmful to my children. [b]Colorism is a huge problem for females not just in America but all over the world. It's capable of causing immense mental and emotional harm. And for them to be exposed to it in such a cruel fashion (and they are so young and innocent) breaks my heart. Even if we were to discard any racial or cultural connotations . . . her heartlessness is something I just can't get my mind around.
I'm so sorry your Aunt hurt your daughters feelings & I hope she'll realize the offense & apologize. The truth of the matter is this will not be a isolated offense, it'll happen again & perhaps next time it might be from a Black person, White people aren't the only one's hung up on race mixing. You will have to prepare your daughters on how to respond so that they don't fall all to pieces like the youngest one did. They will have to grow some tough skin. Middle school age (pre-teens) children can be some of the cruelest people there is, they are notorious for mocking & ridiculing others. Your aunt who is not a teenager is another example of "all types of people" we have in this world & your girls need to learn how to "fire back" when people are disrespectful. Let them know that everyone has been made fun of, mocked, & criticized at some point in their lives & your daughter's will not be excluded. Your family learned a valuable lesson: what people project & how they really feel can be totally opposite. Good luck.
It is incredibly important for you to set very firm boundaries with your Aunt! What she said was incredibly inappropriate and she needs to know that there is no excuse for this bs! Your children need to know that her comment is not okay and they need to feel validated by you and your husband. As a therapist that works with people of all ages and ethnicities, I will tell you that these kinds of comments run very deep and can damage a persons self esteem. The healing starts with you, your husband and your children. Talk to your daughters about their thoughts about the situation and let them know how you feel about it. How are your daughters feeling about what she said and do they still want to be around her. As I said in the beginning, as long as your kids know that you and your husband validate their feelings they also will be able to move on. Family thinks that they can do and say what they want because they are "blood" and it is the furthest thing from the truth. Some family members are way too toxic and it makes it difficult for people to ultimately heal and have a healthy self-esteem. Good luck to you! This just makes me so sad and ignorance on her part is a load of crap! People should not even favor one child over another because of intelligence or body type.
I'm totally on your side. What your aunt did is unforgivable, and it showed a side of her that your children do not need to be around.
No child deserves that kind of treatment.
Stand your ground.
And anyone that says you're overreacting might as well be as racist as your aunt.
I agree with this poster. While some people prefer that a racist be open rather than in the closet, this woman lets her racism so rule her that SHE HURT CHILDREN.
I am angry with her, and I don't even know her. I have a biracial niece. I grew up in a different time, too, and thank God that time has passed.
Also, I don't want my kids to remember what happened. That will happen every time they see my aunt. And I simply will not put them in that situation.
This has become such a huge melodrama that the above is going to happen anyway at this point.
Was your aunt open to changing the way she interacts with the children? Not everyone is going to agree that they are equally beautiful. And there will be different reasons for this.
Perhaps an age-appropriate lesson on colorism, feminism, beauty standards and myths, etc. will be more valuable than a huge rift in the family? Perhaps teach them that neither society's or the media's (not even any one person's opinion for that matter) view of beauty should affect how they see themselves and others.
Educate your aunt along those same lines and give her an opportunity to grow.
Just a suggestion. Good Luck
P.S. From the info you've shared, it doesn't seem as if your aunt is a racist. Otherwise, she would have opposed your relationship to your husband long ago.
The adults should have the conversation with each other over this.
At the same time, it's also a good conversation for the parents to have with the kids.
There is a middle, non-drama route ground between "shoving things under the rug" and making a huge family drama around this.
This aunt tried to teach these girls, through actions and words, that the darker skinned child was less valuable than her lighter skinned sister because of her skin color. She did this over a period of time, secretly, acting as a trusted authority figure. This woman cannot be trusted around the OP's daughters without close supervision. This is not a disagreement that can be solved by having a conversation.
The OP's obligation is to her daughter. The end. The words of her aunt were hurtful, wrong, and no matter what others have said, racist.
Let it be known you are cutting contact with your aunt for your daughter's sake OP. If the rest of the family has a problem with that, tough.
Exactly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy
The adults should have the conversation with each other over this.
At the same time, it's also a good conversation for the parents to have with the kids.
There is a middle, non-drama route ground between "shoving things under the rug" and making a huge family drama around this.
The adults already had a discussion(s) and clearly it went nowhere.
The aunt is apparently unapologetic about this and justified her actions with the "Different Times" crap. The "Different Times" explanation doesn't even make sense, I agree there could be a health issue, but ultimately there is an ugly side to the aunt. The aunt is playing games and is using colorism to do it. Just because the OP doesn't want to play along and downplay her aunt's actions does not mean she's aiming for drama. The aunt and her defenders are the ones trying to create drama by getting the OP to submit and get along by downplaying the effects of what the aunt is doing. OP is doing the right thing by cutting the aunt out. As for the aunt's defenders, they need to be quiet and mind their own business if they can't/won't understand how bad it is.
This aunt tried to teach these girls, through actions and words, that the darker skinned child was less valuable than her lighter skinned sister because of her skin color. She did this over a period of time, secretly, acting as a trusted authority figure. This woman cannot be trusted around the OP's daughters without close supervision. This is not a disagreement that can be solved by having a conversation.
Sure it is. Pretty simple also. Simply explain to the aunt what is appropriate and not appropriate and will not be tolerated. Then just limit the kids exposure to the aunt.
No need to make a huge drama-fest about it. Of course, many people love drama in their lives and will do all kinds of things to make sure it is there.
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