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And? OP is his SON. Fathers are supposed to provide for their kids financially. The fact that this here today gone tomorrow "father" spent money toward the upbringing of his son doesn't mean he deserves a medal. It means he did what dads are supposed to do: pay for their kids needs. At least he took care of that part of OP's needs.
I'm going to disagree with most everyone else and say that you have no obligation to spend time with your dad, OP. I'm in a very similar situation as yourself OP. My father was gone from my life for almost all of it but provided for me financially, which I am grateful for. He would call me every once in a while, we would get together once a year or so, have a stilted dinner in a restaurant, then part ways again.
Two years ago he turned 70 and suddenly wanted to spend time with me. It's like he realized he had an almost 40 year old daughter and he missed out on my life, which he did. And it was by his choice. He was always too busy working or with his new wife and my half sisters. I decided I had enough of reaching out to him and trying to get him to spend time with me. Just because he's nearing the end of his life's journey doesn't give him an automatic pass on the first 40 years with his kid. So I cut him out of my life completely. I'm very glad I did. He never made me a priority then. I'm not making him a priority now.
Ultimately OP, you need to decide what's right for you. But don't go visit your dad just because you feel guilty or even worse, because you want to check out a beach house. If you go, go because it's what you truly want, not anyone else.
Technically, after he turns 18, it's an option. So in this case, the OP's father did go above and beyond in that aspect.
You took money from this guy all these years - he paid for college! - the least you can do is spend some time with him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scooby Snacks
And? OP is his SON. Fathers are supposed to provide for their kids financially. The fact that this here today gone tomorrow "father" spent money toward the upbringing of his son doesn't mean he deserves a medal. It means he did what dads are supposed to do: pay for their kids needs. At least he took care of that part of OP's needs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts
Wrong. Parents have ZERO financial responsibility for college. If they have the money AND want to spend it on a child's education, that's great, but they certainly aren't required to do it.
You are correct about that. Parents don't have to pay for college. It's wonderful OP's dad did. But once again, parenting is about much more than money. Good parents don't just throw dollar bills at their kids and call it being a good parent. For those of you who are parents, is that how you parent? Buy your kids lots of stuff and that's all you do for them? Or do you actually guide your children, be there for them during good times and challenging times, and display a genuine interest in their welfare and well being? I don't expect parents to be perfect; just that they show caring for their kids and try their best. I'm really surprised so many posters are telling OP to forgive and forget. Perhaps it's because the dad wasn't a typical deadbeat dad; he paid child support, college, and whatnot.
I will tell you from experience that I would have traded every dollar for my dad to have shown some interest in me. I don't care about money. I would much rather have had a dad who wanted to spend time with me. After many years had passed (38, to be exact) and he still didn't show much interest, I gave up. After that time, he didn't deserve forgiveness in my view. Parents should treasure their children because they are their children. They shouldn't have to be staring death in the face to figure out their kids are important.
He's getting older and realizing that he failed you as a true father. Helping you financially was all he could give you, but at LEAST he gave you that and you should respect that and be thankful. A lot of one time "fling" fathers are just sperm donors and their child never hears from them.
He wants to make amends and get to know you now.
Go!
You could gain some insight into his personality and why he stayed away. You might be very glad you did, or you might not. It won't hurt to get some answers and see what kind of man he is.
I'm 25 and I was the result of an accidental pregnancy. My parents never really had a serious relationship, only a short lived fling.
I've always lived with my mother and she has been amazing as a mum. She gave up on her entire personal life to take care me. She worked and raised me brilliantly and despite the circumstances of my birth, she only had love to give. She's truly the best woman I know.
My father is a very different story. I was always an afterthought in his life. He always helped financially, quite generously actually. He helped pay for a number of things, including college. I give him that and I'll always be in debt with him for that.
But he was never meant to have a kid. He visited me regularly with big gaps in between when he travelled due to his job. I don't remember a single gesture of affection for him or true dedication on his part. Whenever I spent time with him, he would have a nanny to take care of me.
I've been away from my hometwon for 9 months and I've just returned. I noticed that while I was away he would call me more frequently than usual, even though we don't have much to say to each other. When I arrived back at the airport, he wanted to be there with my mother, another thing that I thought was very unusual from him.
He turned 63 a few days ago and when I called he invited me to spend a few days at his beach house. I asked why and he said he just wanted to spend some time with me. I said I would have to check my schedule and I would call him back later.
I mean, I hold no grudges towards him but does he think we're suddenly father and son? I was astonished when I told this to my mother and she defended him! She said I should accept his invitation because despite everything even he deserves a chance.
What should I do?
You sir, are a selfish ngrateful bas#%*d! I kept reading your post looking for how your dad was such a terrible person. All I see is a man, who had every reason to "check out," but instead did everything [b]he knew how to do[\b] to stay in your life. Being a distant parent - when you don't have a relationship with the mother is hard. Did he do it perfectly? No! But he tried, and he is still trying. In fact, given your sucky attitude, he has every right to list all the things that he has tried to do, and the response he has gotten back as an excuse to just move on with his life, but yet is STILL trying to reach out.
Get off your high horse. There are millions who would kill to even have their father acknowledge their existence. Hopefully, you'll develop a little grace as you get older, and realize all of us do the best we can, with what we have.
Unless you have left out a significant detail, I'd would say that you are WAY off base.
You are correct about that. Parents don't have to pay for college. It's wonderful OP's dad did. But once again, parenting is about much more than money. Good parents don't just throw dollar bills at their kids and call it being a good parent. For those of you who are parents, is that how you parent? Buy your kids lots of stuff and that's all you do for them? Or do you actually guide your children, be there for them during good times and challenging times, and display a genuine interest in their welfare and well being? I don't expect parents to be perfect; just that they show caring for their kids and try their best. I'm really surprised so many posters are telling OP to forgive and forget. Perhaps it's because the dad wasn't a typical deadbeat dad; he paid child support, college, and whatnot.
I will tell you from experience that I would have traded every dollar for my dad to have shown some interest in me. I don't care about money. I would much rather have had a dad who wanted to spend time with me. After many years had passed (38, to be exact) and he still didn't show much interest, I gave up. After that time, he didn't deserve forgiveness in my view. Parents should treasure their children because they are their children. They shouldn't have to be staring death in the face to figure out their kids are important.
But, his dad DID show interest. Go back and read the OP's post. Maybe he wasn't the nurturing person his mom was, but it sounds like he has made repeated efforts to show interest. It is hard when you're trying to "manufacture" a relationship. I give this dad props for trying (and continuing to try).
It's interesting that the OP is only taking this self-righteous attitude toward his dad AFTER he paid for his college. I'd have more respect for him if he'd done that upfront, since he is obviously so angry, and has little use for him.
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
3,487 posts, read 3,354,255 times
Reputation: 9914
I don't read any anger in the OP's post. I keep re-reading it and I just don't see it. I only see confusion as to why the father wants to try at this point in time.
You are correct about that. Parents don't have to pay for college. It's wonderful OP's dad did. But once again, parenting is about much more than money. Good parents don't just throw dollar bills at their kids and call it being a good parent.
He did more than that.... over and over throughout the OP's life.
Try re-reading the first post again.
I don't read any anger in the OP's post. I keep re-reading it and I just don't see it. I only see confusion as to why the father wants to try at this point in time.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,701 posts, read 41,824,046 times
Reputation: 41403
Quote:
Originally Posted by dmills
You sir, are a selfish ngrateful bas#%*d! I kept reading your post looking for how your dad was such a terrible person. All I see is a man, who had every reason to "check out," but instead did everything [b]he knew how to do[\b] to stay in your life. Being a distant parent - when you don't have a relationship with the mother is hard. Did he do it perfectly? No! But he tried, and he is still trying. In fact, given your sucky attitude, he has every right to list all the things that he has tried to do, and the response he has gotten back as an excuse to just move on with his life, but yet is STILL trying to reach out.
Get off your high horse. There are millions who would kill to even have their father acknowledge their existence. Hopefully, you'll develop a little grace as you get older, and realize all of us do the best we can, with what we have.
Unless you have left out a significant detail, I'd would say that you are WAY off base.
I can understand where he is coming from. The OP probably from when he was a kid could feel his father was not "all-in" to being a loving dad. I think you kissed the part when OP visited dad, he spent most of the time with the nanny. Yes, OP owes respect to his dad for being a provider, but kids need more than money from a father. I think OP should give his father a chance but I don't think OP is on a high horse, just aware that he and his father's relationship is doomed to be superficial.
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