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All mothers do this TO AN EXTENT...but after many years of going above and beyond to give me stuff I don't need or want, I want this behavior to stop.
I'm not sure I 'can' stop it, but I am open to suggestions. By the way, telling her to stop has not worked.
So let me give you some examples of what I mean by giving me stuff:
A few years ago she visited me and stayed for almost a month. When she left, I went to sit on my bed (hadn't sat on it in a while because she had been sleeping in my bed). It felt hard and didn't "bounce back"...I looked underneath and realized the entire underneath of the bed (which I keep free/clear) was full of random "stuff" she had been putting under it during her whole stay. Stuff like t-shirts she had bought for me, old pictures she had around her house that she had framed, plaques with bible verses on them, old smelly clothes of mine from the 6th grade she had kept and brought with her...just stuff I don't want that she'd know I wouldn't have accepted if she just handed it to me.
We went on vacation to South Beach last fall. I noticed while going to the beach she had a bag with her but didn't think much of it. As soon as we sat down on the beach...with our feet grazing in the water, she started to unload this bag. She said she had a few things to give to me and proceeded to hand me chopsticks...a framed bible verse...other stuff I can't remember. I didn't extend my hand out to take these things and that led to a huge blow up and her saying I should tell her if I don't want things (which I've been doing for years) and that she was going to stop buying me stuff (which she never stops doing).
My mom stayed with me in Chicago a few days in July because we were flying out to Hawaii together. After she left, I found a t-shirt she had bought for me stuffed into my pillowcase of the pillow I sleep in at night when I was removing my bed linens to do laundry. I also found a 2-foot long "wall quote" stuffed under my couch when I moved it to vacuum. (I don't know how else to describe it; it's a bible verse made of plastic that you're supposed to nail to your wall or set on a long shelf.) There was something else she left for me here but I forgot what; I think I threw it away upon finding it.
Anyways:
I am so TIRED of this. My mom lives in a very "cluttered" house and hasn't worked in over 3 years so it makes me angry to see her waste money on stuff I don't want or need. I have politely told her many many times over a period of years to please stop buying me "stuff" and save her money as she's going to need it. She says it's no different than when I bring her back a gift from a place I've traveled to. Many people bring back token gifts but...this is NOT the same as what she does; she's on a different level. I've moved on average every 18 months for the past like 13 years and sometimes I just get so angry at some of the random stuff I'm repacking that she's sent me whenever I have to move that I just throw it away.
You know what? As I was typing out the above post ^^ I literally remembered something she said to me back in July. I hadn't thought about it again until just now.
She and I were in Hawaii visiting my brother. I can't remember why, but at one point she had stated to us something along the effects of "...the reason why I give so much to you now is because some day I'll need your help..."
Those weren't the exact words obviously but it was very close to this. Neither my brother nor myself reacted/responded at the time (I guess we both realize a lot of the times, that's our best approach to dealing with her). I'm thinking about this now and have a lot of mixed emotions. I feel like she's giving stuff to have a reason to say in the future, "After all I've done for you can't you just [insert whatever request she may have]". I can kinda understand her not having much to give us earlier in our lives and somehow giving random stuff to us now makes her feel like she's making up for it perhaps? Even that doesn't make much sense because (a) we don't want this 'stuff' and (b) she doesn't really have the money to be buying it.
I don't think you can stop her. Throw away anything that isn't usable (like your old clothing) and donate everything else to a local thrift store.
I know it is as annoying as heck, but if that's the worst issue you have with your mother, you are doing better than the rest of us.
Personally, I'd keep telling her to stop buying me stuff and I's also start giving her a list of each and every new item that went to the thrift store, so that maybe she would see you aren't keeping what she buys for you. It probably won't do any good. She has a glitch in her nurturing system that is dysfunctional. The only thing to keep in mind is that you don't have to keep it.
Other than that, I suggest that you accept that she has a glitch in her wiring and just love her for who she is and accept that she isn't going t change.
I can kinda understand her not having much to give us earlier in our lives and somehow giving random stuff to us now makes her feel like she's making up for it perhaps? Even that doesn't make much sense because (a) we don't want this 'stuff' and (b) she doesn't really have the money to be buying it.
That is how my mother is.
I have repeatedly told her she does not need to be gifting me things, especially at this stage of my life. I am in my 60s and downsizing!
So now, when she gives me things, I say to her: "You know, I will not be keeping this for myself". and she is fine with that.
I think she cannot bear to get rid of things herself, but she is fine with me doing so.
I don't think you can stop her. Throw away anything that isn't usable (like your old clothing) and donate everything else to a local thrift store.
I know it is as annoying as heck, but if that's the worst issue you have with your mother, you are doing better than the rest of us.
Personally, I'd keep telling her to stop buying me stuff and I's also start giving her a list of each and every new item that went to the thrift store, so that maybe she would see you aren't keeping what she buys for you. It probably won't do any good. She has a glitch in her nurturing system that is dysfunctional. The only thing to keep in mind is that you don't have to keep it.
Other than that, I suggest that you accept that she has a glitch in her wiring and just love her for who she is and accept that she isn't going t change.
I have been doing my best at that but as of this year it has gotten so much harder to do (story for another thread). I'm the only one left in the family that's talking to her now.
Anyways, I think it's the fact that she's using inheritance money to buy this stuff, and as soon as it's gone I know she's going to come to me for help and I'm forseeing myself blowing up just THINKING about it.
As another example, when my birthday came around she sent me not one, not two, but 5 birthday cards in the mail. Each had gift certificates (Starbucks, Panera Bread, etc.)...some to stores not even in my area. Totaling over $300. But my point is I told her before my birthday not to send me any money. So she sent money in the form of gift cards instead. But when she came to visit me in July she didn't have all the money to get back to her hometown at the time and she has one major item in her house that needs fixing that's needed fixing for yearrssssss that her house could probably be condemned for...yet she's sending me gift cards. This is the kind of thing that's driving me crazy.
That is how my mother is.
I have repeatedly told her she does not need to be gifting me things, especially at this stage of my life. I am in my 60s and downsizing!
So now, when she gives me things, I say to her: "You know, I will not be keeping this for myself". and she is fine with that.
I think she cannot bear to get rid of things herself, but she is fine with me doing so.
Oh no...there goes any hope of mine stopping then. I'm only 37.
Is she spending money she doesn't have on these things too?
Not any more.
She is giving me things from her house.
Oh ok.
I guess I am overreacting a bit.
It's just the amount of stuff I keep getting, the frequency of it, the fact that I've requested it stop and...
...of course the fact that money she doesn't have is being used to purchase these things that is really grinding my gears right now.
She left a bunch of stuff of her own here from her visit in July because she overpacked and is requesting I ship it back to her now. I thought about throwing the stuff she left for me right into that box but I guess I'll just start donating it.
Is there any way that you can take the items that she is giving you and sell them? Then keep all the money from the sale in an account and once it reaches enough money, can you use it to get whatever it is that needs fixing in her house done? Or just send the money back to her? I know that is kind of a hassle for you but maybe if you do a few cycles of it she will get the picture.
She sounds like she gets enjoyment from shopping and gifting. This may be trying to fill some void in her life. Does she have friends that she spends time with? Does she have a hobby (other than shopping) that she enjoys?
Sorry that I don't have much more to offer in terms of advice. I hope that you are able to find a resolution soon.
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