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Tell her what you really like is cash gifts. Accept all of them and sock them away for her because she's going to need that money. Better it go in trust with you than donated to her church or spent at the dollar store.
My mother is the exact opposite; she hates clutter & throws EVERYTHING out but my grandparents were like this.
Problem is; my Papou was a Liquor wholesaler so a lot of the "stuff" was not appropriate for children (nothing like a 10 year old running around in a Jim Beam T-shirt & Cutty Sark Scotch ball cap)!
My mom told us to say "Thank You!" & give it to her. We never would see them again (the items, not the grandparents).
It really sounds as though you won't get her to stop doing this practice that so annoys you so why not try to redirect the 'giving' so you actually get things you CAN and would use? Have you ever suggested to her things that you do need or 'want'? In other words, accept that she gives you things (presumably out of love) and you can't stop that, so why not have her give you things that you can genuinely be grateful for.
And another question ... do you ever give her anything for her birthday or Christmas? If you do, are the things you give her things you know she really 'loves' or desperately 'needs', that show you thought very carefully about what she likes?
I am just wondering if the dynamic isn't just based on the ideas of 'she still wants to be recognized and useful in your life', and/or she wants you to show her you love her (by example she may be giving you things to show you she would like something from you - crazy as that may sound).
What to send adult children, if anything, can be quite a conundrum .. I know all too well. My daughter moved overseas and it is horribly expensive to send her 'stuff' any more so I don't. I don't even know what she needs or wants unless I ask her anyway - and I am sure even if I bought what she says she needs, it would be wrong somehow. Sending her money feels too crass and impersonal to me too - but I do it hoping she will spend it on something that perhaps she really wants. She also always says don't do that, Mom ... and I cringe every time because I honestly cannot tell if she really means it or is 'just saying it' so she won't sound greedy.
I want to recognize the occasion somehow, beyond just sending an email. I don't want to make her angry - the occasion is a celebration as far as I am concerned - and actually more perhaps for me than for her - she doesn't even remember the day she was born but I do - so it is hard to stop. I would however stop completely if I knew she really meant what she says. It might be difficult but I could do that ... though I know if she was married and had kids, I might like to shop occasionally for those grandkids. I am incorrigible.
Email is all she ever sends me - which is fine and good and well received - and since she is the only child of my 3 who even remembers when my birthday is (or knows there is a Mother's Day or apparently even a Christmas every year - haha), I am beyond grateful for those.
Somehow we forget that our parents... Quirks and all...deserve to be validated when they open up. Far too often the adult children seem to dismiss ( Deny) that their parents have challenges and sensitive times to endure. I can only imagine her silent fear of having no family support when or if that time comes. Love is an action... My mom often gave out random gifts or money... I would get so upset ! She had always put others first. When the time came for her to garner family support.. I was honored to take care of her. She became a confidante and source of unconditional love. I was the ungrateful one at times when she had her sensitive and vulnerable moments... Here was a gift of human need and I dismissed it. Not one of my finer moments.
I sense that her actions are being interpreted as a nuisance... And from that comes angst towards the person.
Revise ... Or reframe her actions .., and somehow make peace about it. I got a hideous valour sweater once.. And I decided.. Fine .. I'll make it into a Christmas stocking. My mom loved it! She never knew I had created it from that ugly sweater... And I often smile .. Each year when I put it up... She has long passed... But that stocking goes up... It's a reminder of how to take something ugly and make it a token memory.
I say this from the other side.., as I am not in your shoes... I'm sure for you its intrusive of her to leave such things....
This is money she inherited when her father passed away.
Well, I guess you hit the nail on the head with your post.
And here we are at perhaps the crux of the issue I guess. My grandfather told me once a few years back that my mother was a ticking time bomb and apologized that he wouldn't be around when things 'exploded'. I asked him for advice and it was the first time in his life that he basically responded with "I don't know what to tell you." He basically just responded with how he felt sorry for me that this would all fall on me one day and not to hold grudges when others (he was referring to one particular person) choose not to help out.
But that left me wondering...what do I do then? Yes my mother is wired wrong but is that even moral to just leave someone out in the cold after they still did their best as a mother, even if their best was many people's absolute worst? Are you saying this is what you would do if you were in this situation? Not help at all?
Because I do fear one day my own retirement 'could' be at jeopardy based on how much I need to support her...however, I'd rather take some type of action than just be in constant fear about things "blowing up". I've tried to tell her the right things to do but it's obviously not working. I don't know the answers to the bigger issues at hand here.
You have to put your own retirement savings and your own health above that of your mom - sorry, but that's the crux of it. And yes - if it was my mom and she was spending her retirement funds like crazy, I would make sure that she knew that I would not be bailing her out financially when she ran out of money.
Your grandfather and probably your mother (and maybe others in your family) may have been "grooming you" all these years to be the one to finally take the fall for your mom.
Let me ask you something - has your mom been diagnosed with any sort of mental illness? The reason why I ask is that true mental illness affects about 2 percent of the population - everyone else who is misbehaving is just more along the lines of irresponsible or a jerk or selfish or whatever. In other words, not everyone who acts "crazy," IS "crazy."
I know people have asked if she's been checked for dementia but it sounds to me as if she's always been spring loaded and not very good with money, so I wouldn't just assume she's unable to behave herself. WANTING to behave is the first step in behaving, you know?
If your mom wasn't a good mom, I'm not willing to just give her a pass on that. There are ramifications to everyone's actions, including your mom's actions. Just because no one has held her to that till now doesn't mean you have to continue the enabling.
My mother is bipolar. She was diagnosed many years ago but absolutely refused treatment - to her disservice and to the disservice of her family. Now, she has some dementia and stroke damage as well - which has finally enabled us to put her on the meds she should have been on for the past 30 or more years. She is now much calmer, much less suspicious and mean natured, and just a lot more easy going, in spite of the mild dementia she has. Now, don't get me wrong - she's very difficult to be around still, but at least she's not constantly on some moody rampage like she was for 70 years.
She has never one time been able to grasp or respect the idea of healthy boundaries. I've always said, When Mom sees a boundary, she thinks, "That's what Sherman tanks are for."
She would never in a million years be able to live independently. But years ago I told both my parents that I would be there for them to some extent but that there is no way on God's green earth that my mother will EVER come and live with me. And I mean that. I mean it to the point that if she ran out of money and had to be put in a state facility (which would be due to money mismanagement because they have enough money set aside to provide comfortably for their final years), I would put her in a state facility rather than move her in with me. I promise you - she is not going to live with me. That is my boundary. So no - I don't feel a responsibility to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for someone who doesn't manage their life well, even if that someone is my own mother. But I've managed that expectation now for many years.
My dad's been sick off and on the past year or so, which has made my mother worry more about being a widow one day. Occasionally she will say to me, "But that's OK because I will come live with you." And when she says that, I always say, "No, Mom, you will not be living with me. I will always do my best to make sure you are in a safe place, but you will not be living with me, so don't plan on that."
You set up a false dichotomy when you asked me what I would do in your situation. You asked "Would you leave someone out in the cold just because they are wired wrong? Would I give her no help at all? There are not just two alternatives - do everything or do nothing. There's a LOT of ground in between. You don't have to stand by and do nothing, but you also don't have to do everything.
You can research her options. You can help her move. You can take her to the doctor. You can get her on a waiting list for subsidized housing for the elderly. You can do any number of things that don't involve opening up your pocketbook or your home.
Just think about it. Don't let yourself be played.
Somehow we forget that our parents... Quirks and all...deserve to be validated when they open up. Far too often the adult children seem to dismiss ( Deny) that their parents have challenges and sensitive times to endure. I can only imagine her silent fear of having no family support when or if that time comes. Love is an action... My mom often gave out random gifts or money... I would get so upset ! She had always put others first. When the time came for her to garner family support.. I was honored to take care of her. She became a confidante and source of unconditional love. I was the ungrateful one at times when she had her sensitive and vulnerable moments... Here was a gift of human need and I dismissed it. Not one of my finer moments.
I sense that her actions are being interpreted as a nuisance... And from that comes angst towards the person.
Revise ... Or reframe her actions .., and somehow make peace about it. I got a hideous valour sweater once.. And I decided.. Fine .. I'll make it into a Christmas stocking. My mom loved it! She never knew I had created it from that ugly sweater... And I often smile .. Each year when I put it up... She has long passed... But that stocking goes up... It's a reminder of how to take something ugly and make it a token memory.
I say this from the other side.., as I am not in your shoes... I'm sure for you its intrusive of her to leave such things....
Thank you. Can't rep you again right now but I agree wholeheartedly with every word of this post of yours.
The 5 birthday cards she planned that way. She wanted to show just how much she could give me.
She does similar things on Christmas...I'll get her 2, maybe 3 gifts at best because I think beyond that is unnecessary.
She'll get me like 12, 15 things.
If she is of sound mind then disregard my previous comments.
My Aunt would have things for me and a lot of it I donated... even came out and said so and she was ok with that.
When she had to give up her home I agreed to store an entire garage of her things... it meant moving was so much easier for her... I would let her know of people that needed things like a dining table or TV and she was more than happy to give it to those in need a few even wrote thank you notes which meant a lot to her.
We all age differently...
Known people that wouldn't give the kids anything... as in nothing... that also can cut deep.
Your mother unloaded a lot of (unwanted) emotional 'gifts' on you too I gather. Did you really listen to what she was saying? I gather it was an annoyance. I am sorry to hear that.
I decided years ago never to tell my daughter anything I really think or anything about my past/her past, etc. because she doesn't want to know (not even about the good stuff, surprisingly). She made sure I know that by cutting me off at the pass every time, very sharply, when I have tried in the past. So, instead of hearing the 'other side' of the story from me so that maybe she can piece together why she has issues with some things .. she goes to a therapist and tries to sort out things with only half the information she needs. It pains me to know that but there is nothing I can do ... takes two to tango.
Instead of trying to talk any more, I have written it all down and when I am gone I hope she will read all the things I wanted to tell her about. Not my choice but she refuses to discuss all sorts of things with me. And because she does that, we can't have a great relationship either - it can only be very superficial. I think that is sad .. but it is what it is. On the other hand, she will never have to worry I will demand to live with her when I get too old to stay alone. I love her dearly but I also like myself and I would never want to subject myself to continuously having to walk on eggshells around her if I let her take 'care' of me in my elder years - so she is in luck there.
Had I not decided to stop trying to talk to her about anything personal in my or her life, I might have done as your mother did - just spill it all - eventually. But, when I get tempted, I just write it all down and file it away. I am sorry your mother is burdening you with TMI. Maybe you could buy her a 'diary' or some other means to write things down for you to read someday when she is gone if you aren't interested in it now.
Oh, bless your heart, you poor thing. Your mom is too giving. That's sad.
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