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Reading the rest of it, I get the impression that your mother has never been able to manage money and her behavior has been a lifelong problem.
I have a sister who has a sort of number dyslexia. It doesn't matter how hard she tries, she is incapable of understanding numbers and she can't understand how money works or how a budget works, because you have to be able to understand numbers before you can understand a budget. It's a birth defect, not a character defect. My sister had actual visible physical brain damage during the birth process; this is not just her being too lazy to learn. Her brain is incapable of processing it.
It's possible that your mother has something similar going on, especially if it has been an ongoing problem all of her life.
I suspect that if you could somehow get her to stop sending you gifts, she would turn her gift giving into a new direction. Some televangelist would be getting her money or some con artists who realized that she is an easy mark.
You might try trying to switch her over to sending you money instead of gifts and then you could put that money away for her.
Have you tried sitting her down and discussing how she will live when she is old? I suspect she won't be able to process it, but you could at least try it. This is not an area where you can afford to be polite about it. She is not getting the fact that she will need that money later.
Well, now that she's really into the "church", I noticed her speak of instances in which I fear people are taking advantage of her. She's told me about at least 5 instances where she's given people at church who are supposedly her friends things like money, a gift card, bought clothes for someone's son, etc. Even loaned money without getting it back (she won't say how much). She always says, "That's ok. The bible says to be a giver..." so she thinks she is doing good and says they will be judged at the end. But every time she says she won't do it again, she does anyway. One time on the way to church she tipped the cashier at the Bojangle's drive through. I just had paid 2 of her utility bills and here she was giving cash to a stranger in a drive through. I was furious.
I have tried to discuss many things with her...simply things like a budget, etc., but she shuts down and changes the subject and talks in circles about things that have nothing to do with what I'm trying to discuss with her. It's like she doesn't know 'how' to have a discussion.
She was involuntarily put on medication once in her life while in the care of the hospital.
For that reason, and the things that led to being hospitalized many many years ago, she vowed that she would never let anyone else ever make her go to a doctor or take any kind of medication again for the rest of her life.
She said she does not need therapy, she did it once (again, basically involuntarily), it served its purpose then and that there's no point of talking to strangers about things. She said that God and prayer are the only things she will ever need or that can help her.
Was her diagnosis one of mental illness or some sort of brain disorder? If so, what was the diagnosis?
I'm sorry I don't have time to read all the advice you've been given right now, but just wanted to add a bit of perspective.
As a parent of adult children who is getting on in years, she may think that soon she will need a LOT more help from you. Things as simple as changing a ceiling light bulb or reaching scomething in an upper shelf, to changing her adult diaper and cleaning her up. She may feel bad about you having to do that and is trying to make it up to you now so you will treat her more kindly.
Kids seem to think parents will always be the same strong adult they grew up with (I did of my parents!), but our bodies grow feeble and fail us. Getting old is NOT fun. Maybe she's just trying to prepare both you and her, although mostly her.
I kind of understand that logic BUT....
...no one else in the family is talking to her right now anymore. Mostly because she's pissed them off and refused to talk to or allow visitations from them without good reason. I'm the only one left I feel like. I have not left her through anything. I'm 37 years old now. I don't know what makes her think I'm gonna leave now. I still help when she needs help. I still tell her when she's getting on my nerves because I at least still talk to her...if I didn't care I wouldn't be speaking to her like everyone else.
I have asked her before what she plans to do with the house that is falling to pieces around her. She just says that there's no where else she can live. It's true I don't want to take her in but I've never told her that. I just asked she think about what she would like to do and we can discuss some options for 'down the road'. But she never wants to discuss or it seems to never think about it. I'm driving myself crazy trying to have discussions with someone that just can't make decisions about anything. Not only that, they definitely will only share information when they want to and the bits and pieces they want to share because she's highly paranoid.
Well, now that she's really into the "church", I noticed her speak of instances in which I fear people are taking advantage of her. She's told me about at least 5 instances where she's given people at church who are supposedly her friends things like money, a gift card, bought clothes for someone's son, etc. Even loaned money without getting it back (she won't say how much). She always says, "That's ok. The bible says to be a giver..." so she thinks she is doing good and says they will be judged at the end. But every time she says she won't do it again, she does anyway. One time on the way to church she tipped the cashier at the Bojangle's drive through. I just had paid 2 of her utility bills and here she was giving cash to a stranger in a drive through. I was furious.
I have tried to discuss many things with her...simply things like a budget, etc., but she shuts down and changes the subject and talks in circles about things that have nothing to do with what I'm trying to discuss with her. It's like she doesn't know 'how' to have a discussion.
You aren't going to be able - nor are you obligated - to pay her expenses and support her financially when she can't do so herself. You may be morally obligated to help her get settled into some safe place and get the help she needs, but it doesn't have to be at your expense or in your own home.
...no one else in the family is talking to her right now anymore. Mostly because she's pissed them off and refused to talk to or allow visitations from them without good reason. I'm the only one left I feel like. I have not left her through anything. I'm 37 years old now. I don't know what makes her think I'm gonna leave now. I still help when she needs help. I still tell her when she's getting on my nerves because I at least still talk to her...if I didn't care I wouldn't be speaking to her like everyone else.
I have asked her before what she plans to do with the house that is falling to pieces around her. She just says that there's no where else she can live. It's true I don't want to take her in but I've never told her that. I just asked she think about what she would like to do and we can discuss some options for 'down the road'. But she never wants to discuss or it seems to never think about it. I'm driving myself crazy trying to have discussions with someone that just can't make decisions about anything. Not only that, they definitely will only share information when they want to and the bits and pieces they want to share because she's highly paranoid.
Just tell her that she will not be living with you. She is going to have to live independently as long as she can and then she is going to have to move to some sort of facility for the elderly that may be subsidized. She needs to know that this will be the inevitable outcome of her decisions and actions.
Was her diagnosis one of mental illness or some sort of brain disorder? If so, what was the diagnosis?
Bipolar. Moderate/severe depression. PTSD.
Her sister has worked in the psych area for a while; both she and myself are not sure of the bipolar dx.
It could be correct; but we are uncertain. I am 99% sure she has the depression and likely PTSD, but I also think she may have one or more undiagnosed personality disorder(s), some OCD tendencies and definitely a great deal of anxiety and paranoia.
Maybe just reassure her: "Mom, you don't have to buy my love. I love you. I DON'T love the bible verses, t-shirts, and other knick-knacks, and it makes me anxious when I see you spending your money on things like this, because I would rather you saved your money for when you will need it."
And when she does it again, just turn it away, graciously, and say, "Thank you, Mom, but I really don't have room for it. Please give it someone else."
I have a similar situation with multiple family members. Most of them are in terrible places financially (deep in credit card debt, no retirement savings, etc.) and yet insist on giving all kinds of gifts throughout the year. Around 25 I asked them all to please stop giving me gifts. At the holidays we really were just trading money. Anything I wanted I would buy on my own and anything I would realistically want as a gift would be too expensive to gift to me. That one year they didn't give me a gift for Christmas and indicated it "ruined the holiday for them" and they "didn't see the point in even having Christmas if no gifts were involved".
I suggested doing a name draws for Christmas to limit the amount people were spending. That went over for one Christmas before they all decided they hated that as well.
I suggested only buying for kids on the holidays. Never got that one off the ground.
I completely stopped giving gifts to them trying to hint along that I no longer wanted to receive gifts. They don't care though, they seem to receive most of the satisfaction from gifting. To this day I don't give gifts to any of them except in certain circumstances where there is a true need.
My parents are part of the gift givers and yet have no retirement savings. I know it will be incumbent on me to help them in later years. Heavy gift giving is only a portion of their fiscal irresponsibility. For years I thought, I won't help them (or help minimally) as they have voluntarily squandered their money over the years. However, as I see my parents age, I realize that ill be difficult. I hate to see them needing. Luckily they are still self sufficient, but who knows for how long. I'll just have to cross that bridge when I get there.
Similar to the other posters, I take cash or any gift cards received for stores I will actually use, and I deposit those funds into an account I have earmarked to give money back to that person when they need it in the future.
I've spent close to 15 years trying to break my family of the ridiculous gift giving habits they cannot afford and had zero success. I just accept that's how they are and manage around it.
Her sister has worked in the psych area for a while; both she and myself are not sure of the bipolar dx.
It could be correct; but we are uncertain. I am 99% sure she has the depression and likely PTSD, but I also think she may have one or more undiagnosed personality disorder(s), some OCD tendencies and definitely a great deal of anxiety and paranoia.
I'm sorry.
At the end of the day, it is still her responsibility to adhere to a treatment plan. An adult with a mental illness who will not adhere to a treatment plan is often just about impossible to live with. You can't fix this in her and frankly, nothing you do is going to make her any better.
I am speaking from personal experience on this one. Both my mother and my youngest brother have serious mental illness (paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar disorder) and are both 100 percent disabled. My brother has accepted his disability and adheres closely to a treatment plan which allows him to live independently. My mother waited too late. If my dad passes on before her, she will have to go into an assisted living facility.
My parents are part of the gift givers and yet have no retirement savings. I know it will be incumbent on me to help them in later years. Heavy gift giving is only a portion of their fiscal irresponsibility. For years I thought, I won't help them (or help minimally) as they have voluntarily squandered their money over the years. However, as I see my parents age, I realize that ill be difficult. I hate to see them needing. Luckily they are still self sufficient, but who knows for how long. I'll just have to cross that bridge when I get there.
I'm not saying don't be generous, but especially if you have kids, don't squander YOUR retirement funds to support your parents, and then leave your kids holding the bag when you need money for your retirement years.
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