Is it horrible of me to feel more at-ease with my new Meetup friends than with my old close friends? (conversation, acquaintance)
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I think you hit the nail on the head. I can't wrap my mind around my friends welcoming the guy with open arms, even after they saw him give me s_it first-hand. After all, he first appeared on the scene late last year and became a regular this year. While I've known my personal friends group since 1999 (first appearance) or 2000 (regular). By contrast, Meetup groups usually nip offensive behaviors in the bud, even mild ones, like flirting inappropriately. Arrogant people like the toxic guy view Meetup as "for losers" and would never go near it. Which creates an invisible safety barrier of sorts. No such mechanism exists among my personal group, it seems.
The way you suggested is how I've been usually hanging out with my friends lately: either one-on-one or with one friend plus his girlfriend. Any time a group hangout was organized in the last year or two, in home or in public, I never had a good time. Which is where probably my moral dilemma is coming from, rather than dissatisfaction with my friends as individuals. And last time the toxic guy came along, I had to go to the police; you know that. He has a girlfriend, not surprisingly, and although she's nice and attractive, I can't relax around her, either (probably because I subconsciously view her as "guilty by association" in a way).
Sounds like you are upset over your friends' apparent lack of loyalty. That would chap my hide, too. If a relative newcomer to a group of my friends treated one of them poorly, that person would be out.
Meet-Up groups nip offensive behavior in the bud for a different reason, though. It's not so much about affection and loyalty as safety and public relations. Organizers don't want their groups becoming known as havens for harassment.
And not all Meet-Up groups have the same rules or same definitions of poor behavior. There is one I belong to that I've seen alcohol-related behavior that would have gotten people booted out of other groups. And there are a few groups wherein some guys decided to message me without knowing me from Eve, like they would on a dating site. They see a woman has joined and they just hit on her. In a group devoted to a specific activity, I could reasonably expect the organizer to reprimand or boot someone for that, but in a more "social" group where the idea is more to meet people than any specific activity, say because you're all in your 40s or whatever, it's kind of a gimme that men might message women like they would on a dating site, so my choices are to ignore, block, or resign from the group.
Meetup "friends" becomes real friends only if you take your friendship outside of the official meetup events. You take it outside because you and one or several of them have some kind of connection.
Yes, that's true. I've known a few like that. At first they were just MeetUp "friends". Over the years friendship develops and they meet at each other's home. I am not talking about romantic relationship here but normal friendship. It can happen.
Fun doesn't have to stop, but it takes on many forms. Partying at 20 is not what I am looking to do now. It isn't better or worse, it's different. Your friends have changed, but so have you.
Quality of friendships is not based simply on longevity.
Exactly. This is not about "society" forcing people into anything. The reality is that when you are in your early 20s or even mid-20s, you probably have a lower responsibility job that allows you to go out every night partying without facing much consequences at work. Once you get into your early 30s, you should hopefully be getting into a point in your career when you have a higher responsibility job that places more demands on you.
Most people simply do not want to go out every night and party like they did at 20 because they have things to worry about at work. They may have issues going on at home as well or a partner/spouse they want to have some quality alone time with a few times a week. They may just have a stressful time at work and want to unwind instead of spending every waking hour out. Finally, as we age, our bodies just aren't able to handle the same sort of early 20s lifestyle anymore.
A lot of people also see the 20s as a time to find yourself and might not have as much patience for people who suddenly decide that it's time at a later age.
A lot of people also see the 20s as a time to find yourself and might not have as much patience for people who suddenly decide that it's time at a later age.
For personal reasons that are beyond the scope of this thread, I didn't really have the luxury of "finding myself" until my late 20's. So I might as well get it out of the way now, when it's still somewhat tolerated by society, as opposed to later becoming "the old man who prepares to die regretfully" (Metallica reference).
As for work responsibilities, my jobs now are usual 9-to-5 ones. Some overtime, which I almost always agree to do, but my weekend nights are free. In fact, when I was younger, I had 24/7-type jobs, which, if anything, hindered my ability to go out. Plus, back then I was pretty shy; now I have the means, the opportunities, and the confidence, so why not leverage the hell out of it?
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 09-23-2016 at 08:44 AM..
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There ya go! You are living a time that passed you by. Your friends have already done that and are in their next phase.
Just as your friends have done, you will hit that next phase and will be more comfortable with them again.
Don't burn those bridges, just let them do their thing while you do the things you seem to have missed out on. It will equal out again in time. Stay in contact just not as a group with the bad dude involved.
A part of me wonders though, could it be that your friends have complained or voiced concern to this dude? That you seem irresponsible with the choices you are making in your life? If so, maybe the 'dude' is vocalizing your friends fears and thoughts. That could explain their silence.
I don't know. Try not to overthink (unlike what I'm doing LOL).
There ya go! You are living a time that passed you by. Your friends have already done that and are in their next phase.
Just as your friends have done, you will hit that next phase and will be more comfortable with them again.
Don't burn those bridges, just let them do their thing while you do the things you seem to have missed out on. It will equal out again in time. Stay in contact just not as a group with the bad dude involved.
A part of me wonders though, could it be that your friends have complained or voiced concern to this dude? That you seem irresponsible with the choices you are making in your life? If so, maybe the 'dude' is vocalizing your friends fears and thoughts. That could explain their silence.
I don't know. Try not to overthink (unlike what I'm doing LOL).
I think you might be onto something. Which proves my point that it's important to get any and all "fun" out of my system (within legal limits, obviously), to avoid becoming the old man Metallica sings about. Which can include embracing my superficial side. Meetup just provides a welcoming, socially acceptable outlet for this. Not to mention that ten years ago, I'd be afraid to even think about belting out an out-of-tune rendition of "Sweet Caroline" in the middle of a loud bar. Now I see it as a semi-healthy way to vent out the work stress I built up over the week. (Come to think of it, I see very few 20-year-olds singing karaoke; it's the 30+ crowd who gets into it the most.)
I don't agree with your notion that Arrogant Guy wants to help me somehow. If I felt the need to go to the police after dealing with him, then he went about it the wrong way. Plus, the humor he almost got violent with me for is totally fine in my Meetup groups, where everyone does it; my friends are good sports about it too, although I minimize it with them. I did have a word with them about Arrogant Guy, and I'll give them credit for agreeing not to invite us both to the same hangouts.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 09-23-2016 at 09:33 AM..
I think you might be onto something. Which proves my point that it's important to get any and all "fun" out of my system (within legal limits, obviously), to avoid becoming the old man Metallica sings about. Which can include embracing my superficial side. Meetup just provides a welcoming, socially acceptable outlet for this. Not to mention that ten years ago, I'd be afraid to even think about belting out an out-of-tune rendition of "Sweet Caroline" in the middle of a loud bar. Now I see it as a semi-healthy way to vent out the work stress I built up over the week. (Come to think of it, I see very few 20-year-olds singing karaoke; it's the 30+ crowd who gets into it the most.)
Why would you want to get all the fun out of your system? You're not even middle-aged, and there's so much out there to be had over a lifetime.
It seems too me like you're almost micro-analyzing/navel-gazing this and focusing on some pretty mundane examples.
For instance, there's certainly nothing wrong about karaoke, and it IS (at least can be) fun, but somehow you seem to want to be congratulated for doing it. It's definitely great to come out of your shell...i just suggest you don't overestimate how meaningful or interesting it is to others, which also implies not criticizing others' choices for fun.
Last edited by elhelmete; 09-23-2016 at 02:47 PM..
Meetup "friends" are not real friends. It's a gathering consist of pretty much anyone and everyone who wants to join. If someone stop going, you will never hear or see him again. This can be repeated many times over the next weeks or months, until a point next year where the majority of your current Meetup "friends" are totally and completely out of your life forever and never hear from again. That's not how real friendship works. You keep in touch.
Meetup "friends" becomes real friends only if you take your friendship outside of the official meetup events. You take it outside because you and one or several of them have some kind of connection.
How about getting a girlfriend. She will solve 80% up to 100% of your social needs.
They are comments made by Quaker15. What else do you expect?
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