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First myth: That all your friends need to be part of he same social circle. You can have friends from different areas, too many people think they need to introduce old friends from school with ones from work or other social parties. You don't need to hang out with all your friends at the same time pr combine them into one circle.
Second myth: That those you meet in school will always be your friends. People grow and change, not everyone from your past will be there. Socially successful people tend to make friends wherever they are, many people cling to the belief that your important friends are made in high school or college. They make too much out of high school and college. Those friendships are good, but many people subscribe to this false belief that after age 25 you can't make any friends. This is false.
Many adults are fake, we pretend we are not able to make friends or that we don't want friends.
Look sometimes people move away and they are no longer your friends.
Don't burn bridges, keep both. You don't need to choose one over the other.
That's the best advice so far.
As you get older, it's a comfort to have friends who knew you from your early life...& still like & accept you...and vice versa. As seain dublin pointed out, people who you only know superficially probably will not be supportive during those times in your life when the s--- hits the fan...and that s--- hits everyone, eventually.
In Girl Scouts they teach a little song, "Make new friends and keep the old, one is silver and the other gold."
You sound a bit more sophisticated and less ready to settle down as your old friends. Nothing wrong with you exploring new interests through Meetup and if you bond with people you meet there, it's not an insult to your old friends.
I think you're making too much of it when you call deciding which group to hang out with on a weekend "a moral dilemma." You're not blood brothers with either group. Go where your whims take you.
I hate to ask this but who are you? When I ask that question I mean ... have you ever stopped long enough to get to know yourself?
Your life seems over-full. And it seems you depend almost completely on others to amuse you, keep you busy, keep you from thinking for yourself about who you are. None of these people sound like real friends - in either group. Why are you running away from yourself?
If you don't know the answers to these questions, then perhaps it is time you slowed down a bit and reflected - because if life has to be one giant party for you to enjoy it, you will always be frantic and worrying about who likes you and who doesn't and who will entertain you next, and which crowd you should be joining next or have most allegiance to (hint: the answer to that last is .. neither).
You seem to be a very insecure person. Just relax and enjoy your life. Friendships will come and go. Live in the moment, you never know who will be there with you thru the years.
The point of Meetup is that you have an interest in X and you meet with other people who have an interest in X to do activity X. Unfortunately a lot of people seem to move it into this realm where they become what I can Meetup People who make their whole social life around people and things to do solely on Meetup. They lose their non-Meetup friends and don't do activities that aren't arranged through Meetup. It's simply not healthy since Meetup friendships typically aren't the same type of friendships you have in real life.
I enjoy going on outings with a couple of Meetup groups and see that there are a few Meetup People in the groups. They are literally doing activities almost every night with Meetup. I typically go on outings with each group to be a "regular" (maybe once or twice a month), but I also dropped out a lot of groups because the number of Meetup People just rubbed me the wrong way.
I can see the issue with the OP's long-time friends feeling like having this foisted on them was an imposition. I wouldn't like that either. I do enjoy the Meetups most of the time when I go, but I have dropped out of a few outings because the drama got too much even before I started. I just want to go and enjoy a nice day/evening and then be done with it. I'm not looking to build my full social life through Meetup.
1. I originally met the new guy back in October of last year. He set off a bad vibe with me me from the get-go, like I already knew he'd be a source of danger down the road. I didn't show it, and treated him nicely, out of respect to him and to my friends. But even the first time I met him, when I told him I tried flying a small plane before, he reacted like it's the dumbest thing he ever heard. I just shrugged and turned around to face away from him.
2. He became a permanent part of the group sometime around February this year. That's when the problems started. The new guy would overreact to every "mistake" I'd make, like saying a joke he didn't like, or repeat myself. He'd start screaming about me being a... let's say "bad person". My friends would just sit there. I tried talking to them privately, on the phone, but they only made excuses for the new guy. Things like: "he's a nice guy, he just snaps at people", "you just need to understand him", "he'll be cool once he gets to know you", etc.
3. He then started tagging along to major outings too, like a road trip to downtown. Not just simple things, like getting together to drink beer and play pool. The whole trip, he'd rip into me (verbally) like a pit bull in a dog fighting ring. I'd stand my ground, of course, by he only kept going. My friends didn't step in, and only once separated us when we were about to start punching each other. It's not a fun group of friends when you constantly have to stand up for yourself like in a prison rec yard.
4. The last straw happened two weeks ago. My friends called me, and invited me to hang out with the new guy. We went bowling. Suddenly, I accidentally rolled the ball on the new guy's turn. He went BALLISTIC on me. He said: "What the f_ck?! Who the f_ck are you to roll a f_cking ball for me?! Don't you realize I can ruin your life so bad, you'll be in a fetal position crying?!". (The alley was in a sketchy area, so no one paid attention.) My friends didn't intervene at all, just stood there watching. I screamed "Shut the f_ck up!", threw money on the table to pay for my game, and stormed out of the alley.
5. I drove straight to the nearest police station, since I honestly thought the guy would follow me home, and didn't trust my friends to try to stop him. While the police said there's nothing they could do at that point, and I didn't want to lie about anything, they did say my visit to the station will be good groundwork, if I decide to file a restraining order. The officer I was talking to even said he's seen guys like that in his station's cells before. He also told me to block the guy on social media and cell phone, which I did.
So there you have it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarciaMarshaMarcia
As you get older, it's a comfort to have friends who knew you from your early life...& still like & accept you...and vice versa. As seain dublin pointed out, people who you only know superficially probably will not be supportive during those times in your life when the s--- hits the fan...and that s--- hits everyone, eventually.
I've been saying this all along. Even though I want to continue being good friends with my original group, it's becoming increasingly difficult. They're all coupled-up now, which means they rarely go out anymore. And now, they let some new arrogant guy into the group, who took a disliking to me from the get-go. Meetup simply started fulfilling the role that my long-time cohort of friends once fulfilled.
On that note, isn't Meetup a good thing in that sense? While I'm lucky to have a group of friends I where I'm respected (except one guy) and have fun (mostly), it's not the case for a lot of singles. Oftentimes, they spend time with the only available group in their area (neighbors, colleagues, etc.), because the alternative is loneliness. Or worse, with a group who mistreats them but lets them stay (like with the omega wolf in a wolf pack), because again their only alternative would be loneliness. Meetup provides new social outlets for someone in that situation, superficial as they may be. As well as for someone like me, whose regular group of friends is started to splinter off into couples or got infiltrated by toxic people that no one can see through.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 09-18-2016 at 08:41 AM..
I am sorry. I am having a really hard time with understanding your problem. I just read that itemized (very detailed I might add - did you take notes as this was happening?) list and it seems so very obvious to me that whether or not you like it, the 'friends' you have in the original group are not actually 'friends' at all. Any of them. I don't understand how you can list all these things that supposedly happened, focus only on what this one guy you don't like and who obviously is a thorn in your side is doing, and not see that you should just walk away from the whole bunch of them, for good.
Cry if you want but I would just stay right away from them, spend some time with yourself and think about what you want in a real friend. And here is a hint - you might have ONE friend in a group of people - in this case it sounds as though you don't even have one, mind you - but it is highly unlikely that, no matter how long you hang out with the group, that there is going to be more than that - these are acquaintances, no more. You are, whether any of you wants to admit it or not, just 'using' each other to fill time.
If you can bring yourself to realize that you have no friends right now, just as one needs to have a conversation with oneself at some time to determine what it is they want in a partner, you need to figure out what you want in a friend - and don't look for that friend in a bunch of guys who like to hang out and do trivial, superficial stuff. What do you think makes YOU a good friend? If you can't even recognize what a real friend is, how can you be one either?
So you began this thread by talking about your dilemma in deciding whether to have more allegiance to your 'original' group of 'pals' or whether you should be more loyal to a bunch of people you meet occasionally at meetup special interest groups. But, it seems now that your real problem is this one particular guy (and it would not matter which group he belonged to - there would be friction between you). If indeed he exists as you describe him, consider him a bully and stay well away. Period.
The church will help me in anyway as long as I'm committed to them. I know if I ever leave they will not support me.
Old friends: found out that one of them was no friend at all even though we've known each other nearly 20 years. Another one proved to be reliable and helps in times of need. This one, however, is a pain in the neck and I have to leave the gathering after an hour, the most.
MeetUp: well, for fun, for now until I get to know them better. I've only just started going to MeetUp.
I keep the three groups separate so they don't know each other. The bottom line is I don't rely on any single group for support or leisure but it's nice to have them. Sometimes I prefer spending time on my own. I don't talk about this group to the other. Each group thinks I only have them!
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No Need To Choose
