Is it horrible of me to feel more at-ease with my new Meetup friends than with my old close friends? (boyfriend, wives)
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I was kind of thinking the same thing. But exactly do you mean by "finding yourself"? It has a Bohemian/college/"backpacking through Europe" feel to it. Something a 19-year-old would do. I'm in my 30's, so obviously my "finding myself" would be different. But how so? Still, it's kind of sad that it took me over 30 years to "find myself", while most Americans finish doing so by age 23 at most.
He didn't threaten to "f_ck me up". He threatened to "ruin my f_cking life". Not the same thing. Which is why the police couldn't do anything that day; it's too broad of a threat. But I suspected that all along. My intent was to create a paper trail for a future restraining order. Because I just might need it down the road. And because I read stories about people's cases that were helped by an "unsuccessful" visit to the police.
So you've found yourself at 30? That's perfectly fine. Shoot, I continue to find myself more and more and I'm 50.
You're the one who is gradually discovering that you're more creative and curious than your old friends. I was always that way, but life's a winding path and we're always needing to make adjustments to keep our footing.
Don't stew over it. Be happy for yourself and keep your footing as you go.
Meetups are usually formed around ACTIVITIES or certainly one common interest. Friendships tend to be deeper. So it is odd that your supposedly deeper friendships aren't as comfortable for you.
Either you've outgrown your friends or....you are seeking shallower relationships because you don't want to get into "your stuff"? Maybe they don't ask as much of you...just your regular meetup and no other obligations either meeting, talking, etc. beyond that?
Once you get into meetup, it starts out as activity groups. That is where you find people of common interest, someone who you can relate to and they to you. That is how friendships start.
I think you have outgrown your former friends. What is wrong with that?? Not one thing. You are growing. Don't let anyone stop you.
And this growing will continue for a long time. I'm 74 and I know I am still growing..... learning new things, finding out more about myself, not afraid to try something new.
Meetups are usually formed around ACTIVITIES or certainly one common interest. Friendships tend to be deeper. So it is odd that your supposedly deeper friendships aren't as comfortable for you.
Either you've outgrown your friends or....you are seeking shallower relationships because you don't want to get into "your stuff"? Maybe they don't ask as much of you...just your regular meetup and no other obligations either meeting, talking, etc. beyond that?
Exactly. Many of the OP's complaints about meeting up with his non-meetup friends are that they aren't punctual, their interests don't match his, etc. With a Meetup, that's precisely the point. The Meetup is at a set time, focused around a specific interest. If you can't meet at that specific time or don't like that specific thing, you don't come. I know in the Meetup groups I do, I might back out (and always change my RSVP) but there are typically enough in the group for the Meetup to continue. Usually this is standard.
Contrast this with standard friend groups where you typically have a smaller base at the start. People may not have common interests and they may be trying to find a time that works for a relatively small group. When you are trying to find a time that works for maybe 6-7 people and 2 can't come, that's significant. When it's 8-10, it's not such a big deal.
There's no doubt there is one person who has joined the old friend group who is toxic, and I can see avoiding them when he is around. That doesn't mean that the whole friend group is a bust. Perhaps hanging out with those friends as a big group doesn't make sense anymore. One can hang out with friends in 2's or 3's instead of in 5's or 6's to avoid the toxic person. I know I've had a close group of maybe 4-5 people and it's fallen off to just 2-3 of us because a few of us just don't have the same interests at all anymore. That's just fine, but it seems silly to brush off EVERY friend because one or two are duds.
There's no doubt there is one person who has joined the old friend group who is toxic, and I can see avoiding them when he is around. That doesn't mean that the whole friend group is a bust. Perhaps hanging out with those friends as a big group doesn't make sense anymore. One can hang out with friends in 2's or 3's instead of in 5's or 6's to avoid the toxic person. I know I've had a close group of maybe 4-5 people and it's fallen off to just 2-3 of us because a few of us just don't have the same interests at all anymore. That's just fine, but it seems silly to brush off EVERY friend because one or two are duds.
I think you hit the nail on the head. I can't wrap my mind around my friends welcoming the guy with open arms, even after they saw him give me s_it first-hand. After all, he first appeared on the scene late last year and became a regular this year. While I've known my personal friends group since 1999 (first appearance) or 2000 (regular). By contrast, Meetup groups usually nip offensive behaviors in the bud, even mild ones, like flirting inappropriately. Arrogant people like the toxic guy view Meetup as "for losers" and would never go near it. Which creates an invisible safety barrier of sorts. No such mechanism exists among my personal group, it seems.
The way you suggested is how I've been usually hanging out with my friends lately: either one-on-one or with one friend plus his girlfriend. Any time a group hangout was organized in the last year or two, in home or in public, I never had a good time. Which is where probably my moral dilemma is coming from, rather than dissatisfaction with my friends as individuals. And last time the toxic guy came along, I had to go to the police; you know that. He has a girlfriend, not surprisingly, and although she's nice and attractive, I can't relax around her, either (probably because I subconsciously view her as "guilty by association" in a way).
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 09-19-2016 at 01:46 PM..
You sound like FUN is all you care about, and your old friends are maturing and moving on with real life. Life isnt a beer commercial in which everyone is having more fun than you're ever going to have.
Maybe you need to revise your approach to people? Dont push away old real friends for bunch of people who dont really care about you.
Over the years, as some friendships "atrophied" while others grew stronger, I ended up with a small but robust group of friends. At the same time, I also joined Meetup groups, who were more like acquaintances and social calendar-fillers than good friends (which is how some people see Meetup as). My social life was very strong and robust. However, cracks soon began to appear. My close friends (all guys) are rather "conservative" in how we hung out: watching sports, seeing concerts, working out, hiking, celebrating holidays, etc. And very little else. My Meetup friends (mixed company), by contrast, have wildly varied events: karaokes, art exhibit, costumed dancing, dog show, salsa lessons, roller derby, and pickup softball games in the park. I invited my close friends to a few of my Meetup events, to share in the fun and expand our horizons, but oftentimes, they'd later tell me they didn't really have fun. Which is fine.
The proverbial golden age continued until early this year, when cracks turned to gaps. My close friends all entered long-term relationships in a very short time period, causing our hangouts to become even more "conservative" and serious, and planning those hangouts became harder. Their girlfriends, while very nice, are far from fun-loving, goofy types. To add salt to the wound, new guys joined our formerly-robust group, and they have problems with my laid-back, quirky nature. (I even had to go to the police after one new guy threatened me; he said I wasn't "acting normal enough".) The very traits I acquired thanks to the accepting nature of Meetup groups, and feel fiercely proud of.
So now, even though I have nothing but utmost respect for my long-time friends, I can't imagine fully relaxing when hanging out with them, unless I drink a lot of alcohol and it's been hours into our hangout. I feel compelled to behave the way they expect: very reserved, meeting their expectations, unemotional, and somewhat neurotic. By contrast, my Meetup groups are pretty much anything goes: dancing in front of the stage at an outdoor concert, taking crazy group selfies, belting out karaoke lyrics completely out of tune (and getting high-fives afterwards), or even lightly flirting with the women. Which makes it much easier to relax and let loose when hanging out with Meetup. There don't seem to be any hard-and-fast expectations of members, other than being a decent person.
I'll be honest: there's a lot of contradictory info up there, and it clouds the issue. Are you "laid-back and quirky" or are you the drunken karaoke clown? You describe going to concerts as 'conservative' but then add it to the list of magical things your MeetUp friends do?
I'll be even more honest...your description of yourself and your personality are kind of all over the place, and I wouldn't be surprised if your old friends might be experiencing you in a way that's markedly different from your assumptions. This might not bother a MeetUp buddy, since there are defined endings to events whereas friendships are fluid and ongoing.
Lastly, and this is sort of hard to articulate, I get the impression that you're trying too hard to justify your self image. I mean I suppose "dancing in front of the stage at an outdoor concert, taking crazy group selfies, belting out karaoke lyrics completely out of tune (and getting high-fives afterwards), or even lightly flirting with the women." COULD BE core parts of your identity, but frankly they sound sort of...i dunno...insubstantial? This is in no way meant to convey that your old friends' interests are superior or anything, just that maybe you're thinking too much about it.
Plus overall I would never equate MeetUp buddies with friends, to me they're two different populations.
I think you hit the nail on the head. I can't wrap my mind around my friends welcoming the guy with open arms, even after they saw him give me s_it first-hand. After all, he first appeared on the scene late last year and became a regular this year. While I've known my personal friends group since 1999 (first appearance) or 2000 (regular). By contrast, Meetup groups usually nip offensive behaviors in the bud, even mild ones, like flirting inappropriately. Arrogant people like the toxic guy view Meetup as "for losers" and would never go near it. Which creates an invisible safety barrier of sorts. No such mechanism exists among my personal group, it seems.
The way you suggested is how I've been usually hanging out with my friends lately: either one-on-one or with one friend plus his girlfriend. Any time a group hangout was organized in the last year or two, in home or in public, I never had a good time. Which is where probably my moral dilemma is coming from, rather than dissatisfaction with my friends as individuals. And last time the toxic guy came along, I had to go to the police; you know that. He has a girlfriend, not surprisingly, and although she's nice and attractive, I can't relax around her, either (probably because I subconsciously view her as "guilty by association" in a way).
It's clear you have intense feelings about this and think about it a lot, and I think it's possible your old friends pick up on that vibe and start to shy away. (Though the newly-admitted a-ho le is a very odd situation).
In my life I've had a somewhat similar thing happen with, of all people, my mother who went through a phase where she picked up some new hobbies/likes (or whatever) and god forbid I didn't enjoy them too and/or praise her for having them AND do so in the immediate time period she was enjoying it. It was tiresome and I was unfairly criticized for not being in lockstep with her because, you know, she was finding herself.
I'll be honest: there's a lot of contradictory info up there, and it clouds the issue. Are you "laid-back and quirky" or are you the drunken karaoke clown? You describe going to concerts as 'conservative' but then add it to the list of magical things your MeetUp friends do?
...
Lastly, and this is sort of hard to articulate, I get the impression that you're trying too hard to justify your self image. I mean I suppose "dancing in front of the stage at an outdoor concert, taking crazy group selfies, belting out karaoke lyrics completely out of tune (and getting high-fives afterwards), or even lightly flirting with the women." COULD BE core parts of your identity, but frankly they sound sort of...i dunno...insubstantial?
I think of the "drunken karaoke clown" part as a subset of the "laid-back and quirky" part. After all, it takes a certain mindset to do karaoke; namely, not caring what people think if your singing bombs. And I'm aware that those things can be "insubstantial". But I'm at a point where prefer it this way. After decades of conforming to societal expectations to be "deep", "meaningful", and what-have-you, I guess I found myself and embraced my superficial side. As for the "concerts" ambiguity, they're different bands, different vibes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete
In my life I've had a somewhat similar thing happen with, of all people, my mother who went through a phase where she picked up some new hobbies/likes (or whatever) and god forbid I didn't enjoy them too and/or praise her for having them AND do so in the immediate time period she was enjoying it.
Thanks for pointing that out. I try to check myself and not fall into this trap. I've even attempted to share in the Meetup fun with my personal friends, with limited success. As much as I want to keep inviting them to events I believe to be within their tastes (and such events exist), I don't feel safe doing that anymore. Because the arrogant guy might tag along, and I want to avoid him.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 09-19-2016 at 09:54 PM..
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