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I'm pretty sure I'm a lot older than most of you here on this thread.
But I can tell you in life friendships come and go, some come for a short period to teach us something, some come to learn something from us. I had very long-term friends that I did many social things with. But when serious problems developed in my life, most of those long-term friends left. I had been married, had two kids, and then divorced, and problems with grown kids. It was expected (I think) that I should get over whatever it was in a short period of time. Some stuff is just too difficult to get over in a short period of time and I found it very hard to stop talking about it. (My son went to prison for five years for a bad reason.) There was shame (for me). I had no family support so looked to friends for it, which I do know now was a huge mistake.
I've also joined a Meetup group that I am so glad I've met. I am accepted as I am, messy baggage and all, tho I believe I have lost much of the baggage. My life was suffering from carrying it around so long.
That is my experience with friends, for whatever it is worth.
My advice to the OP?? Be your own best friend first.
I have three groups of friends/acquaintances... (quote truncated)
I currently have two:
Personal friends: They're the group of people I've known since high school, my socially awkward years. And we've always been there for each other, save for occasional fights (verbal) that got resolved within a week or so. Other people came and went over the years, but the main group, which included me, remained. Problems and dissatisfaction were never an issue until last year, when two things happened: (1) my friends started coupling up, which caused their interests to change overnight, presumably influenced by their girlfriends; and (2) a toxic new guy became a "full member" of the group. I learned to get along with the girlfriends, to the point of them enjoying my company. The toxic guy, not so much. My main reason for dissatisfaction with this group is the chaotic planning of hangouts. Anything planned is always tentative, and changes last-minute on one person's whim. Punctuality is also a problem.
Meetup friends: I first dabbled with Meetup groups in 2010, then became a regular in 2011. As I spent more time with Meetup groups, always prioritizing them after my personal friends, I was floored by how I loved the organized structure of Meetup. Any plans made are practically set in stone. RVSP's are mandatory. No-shows are penalized. Also, I've been with some groups for years, and built up reputation there, while being "just there" in my personal group. Namely, getting a phone number or dancing with a lady outside the group, and having people talk about it for months after; I can't let my guard down enough in my personal group to pull this off. The events are also more varied and exciting. Also, because I joined Meetup groups long after casting off most of my social awkwardness, I feel like I can be a new person with them, without feeling dragged down by my old, socially awkward self.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYgal1542
I've also joined a Meetup group that I am so glad I've met. I am accepted as I am, messy baggage and all, tho I believe I have lost much of the baggage. My life was suffering from carrying it around so long.
I feel the same way about my Meetup groups. Some are nothing short of wonderful, with really nice people who hold me in high regard. Others are just OK, and are more like a time-filler. I think the reason I find Meetup appealing is that I feel safe and accepted there, complete with my quirks and baggage. Which sort ties in with Meetup's reputation of attracting the quirky and the socially awkward. So it's not impossible that it's provided other members the same social outlet it's providing for me. (I'm curious if my fellow Meetup-ers have personal friends too.) The kind of arrogant people that my personal friends not only condone but welcome get weeded out of Meetup very quickly. I do realize that what's holding the group together is a soulless corporation in New York (Meetup headquarters). Still, the technology is there and ain't going away anytime soon, so might as well get all the enjoyment it provides.
Your relationship with your old friends is probably over at this point. Going to the cops over the bowling issue is completely out of line.
It's hard to say, since we weren't there, and don't know either of the people involved. But it's interesting that the police didn't think it was out of line. Also, if the OP can't count on his long-time buddies to stick up for him, or to at least tell the other guy to simmer down, they're not really his friends anymore, IMO.
It's hard to say, since we weren't there, and don't know either of the people involved. But it's interesting that the police didn't think it was out of line. Also, if the OP can't count on his long-time buddies to stick up for him, or to at least tell the other guy to simmer down, they're not really his friends anymore, IMO.
I agree. The coupling, bad punctuality, unsettled planning, the utter boringness should be the least of the OP's problem. The boorish guy's treatment being tolerated and excused by the group is a big problem. The writing is on the wall. OP, time to phase out of the group.
1. I originally met the new guy back in October of last year. He set off a bad vibe with me me from the get-go, like I already knew he'd be a source of danger down the road. I didn't show it, and treated him nicely, out of respect to him and to my friends. But even the first time I met him, when I told him I tried flying a small plane before, he reacted like it's the dumbest thing he ever heard. I just shrugged and turned around to face away from him.
2. He became a permanent part of the group sometime around February this year. That's when the problems started. The new guy would overreact to every "mistake" I'd make, like saying a joke he didn't like, or repeat myself. He'd start screaming about me being a... let's say "bad person". My friends would just sit there. I tried talking to them privately, on the phone, but they only made excuses for the new guy. Things like: "he's a nice guy, he just snaps at people", "you just need to understand him", "he'll be cool once he gets to know you", etc.
3. He then started tagging along to major outings too, like a road trip to downtown. Not just simple things, like getting together to drink beer and play pool. The whole trip, he'd rip into me (verbally) like a pit bull in a dog fighting ring. I'd stand my ground, of course, by he only kept going. My friends didn't step in, and only once separated us when we were about to start punching each other. It's not a fun group of friends when you constantly have to stand up for yourself like in a prison rec yard.
4. The last straw happened two weeks ago. My friends called me, and invited me to hang out with the new guy. We went bowling. Suddenly, I accidentally rolled the ball on the new guy's turn. He went BALLISTIC on me. He said: "What the f_ck?! Who the f_ck are you to roll a f_cking ball for me?! Don't you realize I can ruin your life so bad, you'll be in a fetal position crying?!". (The alley was in a sketchy area, so no one paid attention.) My friends didn't intervene at all, just stood there watching. I screamed "Shut the f_ck up!", threw money on the table to pay for my game, and stormed out of the alley.
5. I drove straight to the nearest police station, since I honestly thought the guy would follow me home, and didn't trust my friends to try to stop him. While the police said there's nothing they could do at that point, and I didn't want to lie about anything, they did say my visit to the station will be good groundwork, if I decide to file a restraining order. The officer I was talking to even said he's seen guys like that in his station's cells before. He also told me to block the guy on social media and cell phone, which I did.
So there you have it.
I've been saying this all along. Even though I want to continue being good friends with my original group, it's becoming increasingly difficult. They're all coupled-up now, which means they rarely go out anymore. And now, they let some new arrogant guy into the group, who took a disliking to me from the get-go. Meetup simply started fulfilling the role that my long-time cohort of friends once fulfilled.
On that note, isn't Meetup a good thing in that sense? While I'm lucky to have a group of friends I where I'm respected (except one guy) and have fun (mostly), it's not the case for a lot of singles. Oftentimes, they spend time with the only available group in their area (neighbors, colleagues, etc.), because the alternative is loneliness. Or worse, with a group who mistreats them but lets them stay (like with the omega wolf in a wolf pack), because again their only alternative would be loneliness. Meetup provides new social outlets for someone in that situation, superficial as they may be. As well as for someone like me, whose regular group of friends is started to splinter off into couples or got infiltrated by toxic people that no one can see through.
Okay this guy needs to be out of your life. Do not hang when he is hanging. Even when jnvited, make it clear either he shows up or you. Being lonely is better than being with this person.
if the OP can't count on his long-time buddies to stick up for him, or to at least tell the other guy to simmer down, they're not really his friends anymore, IMO.
Exactly, they're no friends at all, op. If they all couple up, they'll put their girlfriends above everything else and it's only natural. Wait until they get dumped and come crawling back to you! Why would you want to be the third wheel and endure the rudeness? Don't let people disrespect you. As someone here said, "Friends come and go". You can only rely on yourself as the true and lasting friend.
MeetUp is good if you find the right group. I joined and left many groups. I think this latest group is right for me, I hope. Well, time will tell.
If I were you, I'd drop this group like hot potato and preserve my self respect.
The group you want to hang with most is dissolving, slowly but surely. I think your main problem with them (aside from this 'new guy' you don't get along with) really has to do with perhaps some resentment, deep seated on your part, that they now may regard their girlfriends as being more important than going to the watering hole with their long time buddies and that their interests changed overnight (not surprisingly if they want to nurture a relationship). That happens. Have you never had a serious relationship? You say you learned to get along with the girlfriends but still mention that the guys are sometimes late or don't seem as committed to the group activities as they once were. You can't understand that might happen from now on? What if one or more of them gets married and has kids - or doesn't get married but has kids, which may be even more time consuming if they are good fathers - even if they dropped the 'toxic guy' from the group, do you think the group will continue on happily just as it did in the days of yore?
Things change. Fact of life. Sorry to have to break it to you but you seem to want them all to stay the same forever - and that isn't possible, for anyone, much less just you. But, on the bright side, things may get even better for you down the road if you let go of the past and even the present and open your mind up to the fact that there could be far greater things in store for you soon.
Anyway .. what exactly is it you want from all your anonymous 'besties' out here in internet-land? We can't live your life for you. You keep regurgitating the exact same thing even though many have offered good advice/feedback/counsel for you to consider. Where do we all go from here?
Don't burn bridges, keep both. You don't need to choose one over the other.
Corny, but applicable. "Make new friends, but keep the old.....One is silver the other gold.
What you need to do is figure out why you are so perplexed by this, and why you feel guilty.
I think whatever is bothering you is your issue. Many folks have a variety of friends, and some are the friends that you can be loud, silly or obnoxious with and some are like a comfortable old quilt.
It's ok to want and have both, as both serve our different needs. Life is way to short to stress over these type issues.
So, I suggest that you spend time with which ever group fits your mood. And, feel no guilt. You did try to introduce your old friends to your new group, it just didn't pan out. This is nothing to be overly concerned about.
I do want to express some concern about how your old friends have obviously ignored this "new guy's" behavior towards you. And, like other's I'm more than a little curious as to what came about to make you feel you had to have police intervention. And, do your old friends know? And, if they know, what has been their reaction?
So now, even though I have nothing but utmost respect for my long-time friends, I can't imagine fully relaxing when hanging out with them, unless I drink a lot of alcohol and it's been hours into our hangout. I feel compelled to behave the way they expect: very reserved, meeting their expectations, unemotional, and somewhat neurotic. By contrast, my Meetup groups are pretty much anything goes: dancing in front of the stage at an outdoor concert, taking crazy group selfies, belting out karaoke lyrics completely out of tune (and getting high-fives afterwards), or even lightly flirting with the women. Which makes it much easier to relax and let loose when hanging out with Meetup. There don't seem to be any hard-and-fast expectations of members, other than being a decent person.
Maybe it's all in my head, but is it horrible to feel this way?
Well, it must feel sad to realize your path has diverged from theirs and you don't have much in common with your old crew anymore, but it doesn't make you a horrible person. There's no point in spending time with people you can't be yourself around.
I recently went through something similar with a few friends and acquaintances, and I felt as you do. In fact, a couple of them were starting to get on my nerves with the things they'd say and their general demeanor, but I hate drama, so I was trying to back away slowly. I took to inventing excuses for turning down invitations so as to avoid confrontations or hurting anyone's feelings, and I even started using lists on Facebook to keep them from seeing certain posts when I knew they would have SOMEthing to say that would irritate me or start a bickering fest with my other friends. All of that just made me feel resentful, because there I was, putting effort into doing damage control and gracefully extricating myself from friendships that weren't adding anything to my life in the first place.
My suggestion is not to do that. Instead, ask yourself if the friendships are working for you. What are you getting out of them? Not that one should be a self-absorbed taker who only sees people when one can get something from them, but in a general sense. What are these friendships bringing to your life that enhances your time on planet Earth?
If nothing, just cut the cord.
This came in handy recently when getting myself off a list for a monthly "networking" brunch. I'd known the organizer for 18 years and considered her a friend as well as colleague, but she had been saying things lately that struck me as domineering, intrusive, and bossy. When I stood my ground and/or responded just as firmly as she spoke to me, she gave me the silent treatment. Looking back on our interactions at various times in my life, I saw patterns of this that I just didn't like, including two recent betrayals of trust in the professional sphere where she spoke out of turn, and oh, no, that definitely does NOT work for me, so that's that. It's not even worth confronting her about them, as doing so would just make the situation worse. I took her off my FB list, and when she moved the brunch to a time and place that are very inconvenient for me, I just said, "To be honest, the time and location don't work for me, so please feel free to take me off the e-vite list."
I haven't heard back from her, and don't expect to--and that's okay. When it gets to the point that people are more trouble than they are worth, don't trouble yourself any further.
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