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I'm friends with a lady who is kind of like my mentor & mom. She's really taken me under her wing and given me so much helpful life advice and overall just how to carry myself better and with more confidence. I feel very grateful for having her in my life. and I only mention that I see her as a mom because theres an age gap and I try to be respectful to her.
The only problem is that when we meet for outings or meals, I always have to do her some kind of favor. Usually giving her rides, to and fro really far places. Babysitting her children for free. Those are two of the most frequent things but really there's a whole myriad of things I kind of do for free. I appreciate and love her and she always thanks me profusely but as time goes on it's kind of becoming expected that I will do these things. Usually she makes plans and will already have incorporated my favor as an aspect of the plan. i.e. I am the one giving us a ride to brunch. etc. I say no sometimes (rarely) and she makes it feel like I am inconveniencing her so much or later talks me into doing the errand anyways. She's definitely a slick talker!
It's getting kind of old and Im wondering if Im wrong for keeping tabs like this. I guess our friendship would best be defined as she gives me emotional support and life guidance from time to time, while I give her tangible favors and run errands. On my end it's starting to feel like the motivational and supportive comments are happening less and less and the errands are increasing.
Im worried that after a while Im going to start feeling disrespected and want to end the entire thing. Am I being dishonest with myself about what our relationship really is (an exchange of favors) or am I being selfish for wanting support and doing less errands? Idunno.... im really stumped here... Im trying to think of ways to fix this because I would love to keep her and her family in my life as I consider them basically like family. Btw I am a very non-confrontational person.
I'm friends with a lady who is kind of like my mentor & mom. She's really taken me under her wing and given me so much helpful life advice and overall just how to carry myself better and with more confidence. I feel very grateful for having her in my life. and I only mention that I see her as a mom because theres an age gap and I try to be respectful to her.
The only problem is that when we meet for outings or meals, I always have to do her some kind of favor. Usually giving her rides, to and fro really far places. Babysitting her children for free. Those are two of the most frequent things but really there's a whole myriad of things I kind of do for free. I appreciate and love her and she always thanks me profusely
but as time goes on it's kind of becoming expected that I will do these things.
Usually she makes plans and will already have incorporated my favor as an aspect of the plan. i.e. I am the one giving us a ride to brunch. etc. I say no sometimes (rarely) and she makes it feel like I am inconveniencing her so much or later talks me into doing the errand anyways. She's definitely a slick talker!
It's getting kind of old and Im wondering if Im wrong for keeping tabs like this. I guess our friendship would best be defined as she gives me emotional support and life guidance from time to time, while I give her tangible favors and run errands. On my end it's starting to feel like the motivational and supportive comments are happening less and less and the errands are increasing.
Im worried that after a while Im going to start feeling disrespected and want to end the entire thing. Am I being dishonest with myself about what our relationship really is (an exchange of favors) or am I being selfish for wanting support and doing less errands? Idunno.... im really stumped here... Im trying to think of ways to fix this because I would love to keep her and her family in my life as I consider them basically like family. Btw I am a very non-confrontational person.
A real friend does NOT do these things. A real friend does not "expect" you ro babysit her kids for free or expect you to give her rides to far-away places. A friend may ask you if you are available or want to do those things but they also do many nice things for you.
"but as time goes on it's kind of becoming expected that I will do these things." This is a huge Red Flag.
Start to tell her "No" and be specific. "No, I can not drive you to far-away city tomorrow. I already have plans. You should have asked me before you made the commitment." or just say "No, I can not babysit your children on Friday night".
I'm friends with a lady who is kind of like my mentor & mom. She's really taken me under her wing and given me so much helpful life advice and overall just how to carry myself better and with more confidence. I feel very grateful for having her in my life. and I only mention that I see her as a mom because theres an age gap and I try to be respectful to her.
The only problem is that when we meet for outings or meals, I always have to do her some kind of favor. Usually giving her rides, to and fro really far places. Babysitting her children for free. Those are two of the most frequent things but really there's a whole myriad of things I kind of do for free. I appreciate and love her and she always thanks me profusely but as time goes on it's kind of becoming expected that I will do these things. Usually she makes plans and will already have incorporated my favor as an aspect of the plan. i.e. I am the one giving us a ride to brunch. etc. I say no sometimes (rarely) and she makes it feel like I am inconveniencing her so much or later talks me into doing the errand anyways. She's definitely a slick talker!
It's getting kind of old and Im wondering if Im wrong for keeping tabs like this. I guess our friendship would best be defined as she gives me emotional support and life guidance from time to time, while I give her tangible favors and run errands. On my end it's starting to feel like the motivational and supportive comments are happening less and less and the errands are increasing.
Im worried that after a while Im going to start feeling disrespected and want to end the entire thing. Am I being dishonest with myself about what our relationship really is (an exchange of favors) or am I being selfish for wanting support and doing less errands? Idunno.... im really stumped here... Im trying to think of ways to fix this because I would love to keep her and her family in my life as I consider them basically like family. Btw I am a very non-confrontational person.
Newsflash, you are being disrespected and used by this woman who is not your friend.
Find a mentor is a successful single woman, who has her own car.
The lesson you learned from her is "don't let people like this use you".
Get rid of her, actually the first time you say "no" to babysitting or playing chauffeur will probably end this anyway.
this woman is supposed to be/was your mentor? what exactly would you want to learn from her - "how to use and take advantage of people"?
Anyway, the point is that nobody can "make you" do something that you don't want to do. A friend wouldn't do this to you, but even an acquaintance or a mentor or a casual friend wouldn't do this. To use a cliche - Just Say No. Don't elaborate, don't over-apologize, don't explain. (If you do, then the users of the world will find a way around it). Repeat as necessary.
Sorry, I can't baby sit.
Sorry, I won't be able to drive us.
Sorry, I can't bake a batch of my from-scratch-world-famous-brownies 25 minutes before i have to leave the house for a party. (OH, sorry, that was for me. someone asked me to do this - while i was running around getting ready, showering, dressing for a party, she asked me if i could pretty please bake my amazing brownies? I said, no, sorry. Could i have baked the brownies? probably, but it would have meant me getting there later and flustered. and you know what? another of her friends walked in late to the party with a batch of freshly baked brownies).
Realistically every non-familial (even IMO family as adults) relationship is at it's essence a medium of exchange. People find each other valuable for whatever they bring to the table: security, wisdom, wit, companionship etc.
I understand that you've gotten some valuable things from this friend/parental figure/mentor and that you might not want to dump her but you do need to change the dynamic of your relationship. You are not wrong for feeling like this friendship has become lopsided and that your friend is misusing the relationship. You will need to decide whether you can address this directly at one of your lunches. If you think you can, set a date and tell her to have no other plans and then gather your evidence (dates, favors, times) in a list and then tell her how you feel.
If you don't think that you can do this immediately, at the first whiff of a get-together or lunch, or any of the times that she might pile on errands or favors, at the very first mention of a plan, let her know that you are not available for anything outside of that meeting and then mean it. Make a hair or nail appointment or have somewhere you actually need to be to fortify your resolve. If she calls you at the last minute for something like baby-sitting, have a handy excuse list ready especially at first (doctor's appointment, work project that needs attention, art class, yoga, dinner with family/friends, a date etc. whatever you do that could be a realistic reason) until you grow comfortable with saying no. You will find out soon enough whether this person cares for you but is selfish or simply wants to use you. At that point you will want to review the relationship's worth to you and then implement the direct approach if you want to try to salvage the relationship.
A couple of CDers will get all up in arms saying that making excuses rather than the direct approach is weak. Yes it is. Those people will already be comfortable with the concept of saying no to friends and family and won't need to take baby steps. They don't get caught tongue tied at an unreasonable request or a series of requests that become unreasonable or an imposition. Once you become comfortable with rebalancing your relationship, you will find the words.
I can only see this situation as getting worse and worse as she takes you even more for granted.
I had a "friend" like this who always wanted me to drive her to lunches/dinners/meetings, usually combined with errands, and she lived quite a distance from me. There was nothing wrong with her driving abilities. The red flag went up when she stopped asking and starting just inquiring what time I would be picking her up. I started to cheerfully say I would be meeting her at the restaurant (or whatever) - no excuse given. When she pressed, I simply said I could not drive her back and forth and repeated I would see her there.
I never said "sorry" as I wasn't doing anything wrong and it sounded regretful, which I wasn't. She tried to bum rides from others, all of whom also resisted. Eventually she drove herself or her retired husband did.
Free babysitting is off the table unless it is a reciprocal arrangement - words of advice don't pay for your time.
Realistically every non-familial (even IMO family as adults) relationship is at it's essence a medium of exchange. People find each other valuable for whatever they bring to the table: security, wisdom, wit, companionship etc.
I understand that you've gotten some valuable things from this friend/parental figure/mentor and that you might not want to dump her but you do need to change the dynamic of your relationship. You are not wrong for feeling like this friendship has become lopsided and that your friend is misusing the relationship. You will need to decide whether you can address this directly at one of your lunches. If you think you can, set a date and tell her to have no other plans and then gather your evidence (dates, favors, times) in a list and then tell her how you feel.
If you don't think that you can do this immediately, at the first whiff of a get-together or lunch, or any of the times that she might pile on errands or favors, at the very first mention of a plan, let her know that you are not available for anything outside of that meeting and then mean it. Make a hair or nail appointment or have somewhere you actually need to be to fortify your resolve. If she calls you at the last minute for something like baby-sitting, have a handy excuse list ready especially at first (doctor's appointment, work project that needs attention, art class, yoga, dinner with family/friends, a date etc. whatever you do that could be a realistic reason) until you grow comfortable with saying no. You will find out soon enough whether this person cares for you but is selfish or simply wants to use you. At that point you will want to review the relationship's worth to you and then implement the direct approach if you want to try to salvage the relationship.
A couple of CDers will get all up in arms saying that making excuses rather than the direct approach is weak. Yes it is. Those people will already be comfortable with the concept of saying no to friends and family and won't need to take baby steps. They don't get caught tongue tied at an unreasonable request or a series of requests that become unreasonable or an imposition. Once you become comfortable with rebalancing your relationship, you will find the words.
Good luck to you.
Became lopsided? It was lopsided from the beginning.
As the poster above you asked is she mentoring the OP in how to take advantage of people?
Also, a lot of people today throw the word "friend" around very causally. This sounds more like an acquaintance.
The poster above you gave great advice, you say "sorry, I can't", without going into details.
That will most likely end this "friendship" any way.
OP is being used. Find a book or find a single successful woman who has her own means of transportation.
What the OP can learn from this no one can take advantage of you unless you let them.
"Fool me once, shame on you
fool me twice, shame on me".
"Im trying to think of ways to fix this because I would love to keep her and her family in my life as I consider them basically like family. Btw I am a very non-confrontational person."
This is how the OP ended her post. It sounds to me like she is trying to salvage something that is or once was of value to her. My advice was predicated on the OP's self description as non-confrontational. Only the OP can know here what is of value from any of us. She may never come back on and tell us which is the habit of first time posters. I'm not going to get into a disagreement over my post. It was very specific to the OP's situation as described. I stand by it.
giving her rides, to and fro really far places.
...
Babysitting her children for free.
Sorry, but this is not a mentor. If she had her own life together, she could afford a car and daycare.
Sounds like she already has worn out the welcome mat on the rest of her friends, too.
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