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Now, about a month ago, his brother called me, knowing that I'm usually pretty close to this guy, and was asking me if I knew about anything. Basically, he pretty much gave me the run down, he's been having problems with his family, his car, his college and money. He used to be fun and outgoing, but lately, he's been getting really angry, and I noticed him being this way with me too.....
I wonder if the OP's focus on strip clubs isn't missing the point too. The guy's life is screwed up and he angry, and he has found something to blow his mind with.
Be grateful it is a pole dancer and not a needle full of dope.
I would think that someone...the brother, whomever, has to try to talk to this guy about his problems with his family, college, money, etc.
I wonder if the OP's focus on strip clubs isn't missing the point too. The guy's life is screwed up and he angry, and he has found something to blow his mind with.
Be grateful it is a pole dancer and not a needle full of dope.
I would think that someone...the brother, whomever, has to try to talk to this guy about his problems with his family, college, money, etc.
An air of self-righteousness as well from the OP, because she probably feels like she's better than those girls, and jealous of the fact that he chooses to spend time with them instead of her.
It also sounds like he isn't coming around because he knows that type of behavior is something that you don't approve of. Maybe there's shame, embarrassment?
I'll agree with this too. There is a certain stigma attached to frequenting strip clubs & the OP has sort of "honed in" on this.
As opposed to other more self-destructive behaviors such as the self-isolating & being quick to anger.
Maybe he feels judged? Strip-clubs seem to pose an emotional threat to women who have not worked in the sex industry; even if they are a platonic friend. Thats kind of why I suggested the OP's response might be "M'Kay; I'll call you on Thursday" vs "Not another Strip-Club!"
Ten bucks says your buddy's new friends do coke or meth, and they go to the strip clubs to get high and jack off.
I don't think going to the strip clubs *by itself* would cause this behavior.
Something in the back of my mind is worried that this is what is going on. I asked him myself point blank, if he's doing coke, because it's the way he's been acting. Not only is he a close friend, but he's also a co-worker of mine. He'll be coming in, all angry, not wanting to talk to anyone. Then he'll go out to his car for lunch, then come back and be all happy. Mood swings and such.
I also talked this over to another friend, where I mentioned he meets up at the cigar shop in the evening, and then around midnight, they take off to the strip clubs. My other friend tells me, it sounds like his cigar buddies just might be drug dealers, where they do the deals at the cigar shop, and then do the transactions at the strip clubs since it's illegal to video tape or take pictures inside there.
An air of self-righteousness as well from the OP, because she probably feels like she's better than those girls, and jealous of the fact that he chooses to spend time with them instead of her.
I'm not going to lie, I really detest strip clubs, and anything that exploits women for their bodies. I myself was sexually assulted in my teenage years, and because of that, I had a hard time opening up with my sexuality. Later on, a friend tried to get me to open up by working part time as a hostess at a strip club, but then I saw my full time boss there, and I guess he got offended that I was working there, and asked me to leave and he would give me a raise, so I did. Because of that, I kind have a psychological issue where I kind of compare the men who tried to rape me as the same kind that would go to a strip club. My friend knows how I feel, before I had any knowledge he liked to frequent them. Either way, once his brother let on what was happening, I made the mistake of one night going to one of the strip clubs and surprising him there. It was one of the worst things I guess I could have done. I didn't judge him, I just went up to him, and was like, hey there, you mind treating this hard working gal to a drink. I guess he was pretty pissed, that he started to scream at me for being there, that I had no right, and that's when he grabbed me by the arm, dragged me outside and pushed me down on the pavement. He left me a pretty nasty bruise, and he told me to just go away and leave him the hell alone. I went home, and I let his brother know what happened.
The next day, my friend called to apologize, but told me to stop pushing him into a corner, that he's a full grown man and can do what he wants.
2 days later, he was off, and I was working the store, and I never told him this, but 2 of the cigar guys came in, and pretty much told me, when my friend is around them cigar guys, it means we don't want you around. This is why I think part of it might be drug related....
I guess most of you are right. It's not the strip clubs, he's in trouble, and I guess there is nothing I can do till he comes forward first, because I guess I'm just pushing him away.
I had an acquaintance with a dancer when I was single. I worked out of my apartment and she lived a couple of doors down. She was getting her finance degree and was dancing nights to pay her tuition. Because I was home during the day, I would walk her down to the bank where she'd take her cash and put it in her safe deposit box. No, I didn't date her. And, no, I didn't even try. I had a girlfriend at the time. She would work her shift, get home at midnight, shower, and sometimes drop by. Given that I never saw her with a guy tells me that she wasn't seeing the customers outside work.
The thing that she talked about the most? The sheer desperation of the men who came back night after night, staring up at her from their beers. They would toss her numbers that she wouldn't call and extend invitations she wouldn't take. She said she had pity for them at first. Later she only had contempt.
So your friend? Very likely a loser. Yeah, he might have a nice job, make decent coin, and everything else. But something is seriously wrong about someone who spends ever night swilling beer and staring hungrily at women he can't have.
Right, strippers and hookers know better. They could care less, unless "dating" some guy to clean them out. All that is for suckers. You're right about the contempt part, because the behavior is just stupid and 'stupid is as stupid does', Forrest.
OP's buddy will quit when he's busted out at the club(s), or cleaned out by some bimbo. Welcome to life. I question if "addiction" is a meaningful term, unless it's in the same genre as gambling addiction. I say: vices are all sucker bets.
symptom or something deeper, id say OP has lost their friend for good. even if both of yall really were just friends, he seems to be lost in that black hole that sucks in sooo many lost souls. are his guy friends or family even trying to find out what is going on with him? and how often do any of them approach you about your friend frequenting strip clubs? sorry OP i don't know how long this will last, but i already get the feeling that your friend is a lost cause, i got that vibe ever since he forgot the rest of his life existed the minute he chose strip club over real life.
1. Sometimes the thing you chose to escape your problems becomes a bigger problem than the original one. If it turns from "I want to do this" to "I need to do this" these two things would be a good way to describe an addiction or obsessive-compulsive behavior
2. Sometimes the addict's excuses for doing his addictive behavior were actually caused by his behavior/addict-style thinking. It's a chicken/egg puzzle. No one will know which it is until he quits doing it for a year or two.
3. Never believe an addict who says he doesn't "need" to do his addictive behavior until you see long-term proof. The addict will be the last to know.
...he's been getting really angry, and I noticed him being this way with me too.
Remind us again why you are clinging on to this friendship?
That quote of yours would be enough for me to dump him. Plenty of other reasons to just let him go.
People come and people go as often they change. Long term friendships are very rare. It's apparent you are overdue to cut ties with this one.
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