Is My Friend Addicted to Strip Clubs? (boyfriend, wedding, introverts)
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You know, as someone who hasn't set foot in a strip club since my brother's bachelor party, I just don't understand their appeal. Yeah, I get it. Physically attractive women shedding their clothes. But after about five minutes, realizing that you can't ever touch them, what exactly is the point? I mean, for the first five minutes, you say, "Look at those boobs!" Then after that, realizing that you've got the same thing at home, only you can play with them all you want, you start talking about football, the job, whatever.
Depends on the establishment's location. I know a few in the Phoenix metro area where you can get very hands-on with the ladies as long as they're okay with it. The bouncers won't do anything to you. As for the rest of the whole strip club thing, I don't get the appeal after being to a few. Once you've seen the "dance moves" on the ladies, you've seen it all. The whole bending over and slapping their ass does nothing for me and neither does clapping their heels.
Strip clubs are fun for people in their early or mid-20's. After that, it becomes old and a total waste of time.
As for the OP: Sounds like your friend is using the strip club as a crutch for his current crop of issues in his personal life. It also sounds like he's hanging around some losers and is adopting their ways of life. Sometimes you have to let people hang themselves. Hopefully, for your and his family's sake, he snaps out of the funk he's been drawn to.
Depends on the establishment's location. I know a few in the Phoenix metro area where you can get very hands-on with the ladies as long as they're okay with it. The bouncers won't do anything to you. As for the rest of the whole strip club thing, I don't get the appeal after being to a few. Once you've seen the "dance moves" on the ladies, you've seen it all. The whole bending over and slapping their ass does nothing for me and neither does clapping their heels.
Strip clubs are fun for people in their early or mid-20's. After that, it becomes old and a total waste of time.
As for the OP: Sounds like your friend is using the strip club as a crutch for his current crop of issues in his personal life. It also sounds like he's hanging around some losers and is adopting their ways of life. Sometimes you have to let people hang themselves. Hopefully, for your and his family's sake, he snaps out of the funk he's been drawn to.
Yeah, his new group of friends are definitely losers to me. They pretty much look at women as here for the sole purpose of their entertainment, and if you aren't nude, ready to go to bed, then all of a sudden it's a guys only night out. I told my friend's brother a while back what kind of people he's starting to hang out, but back then, he was like, oh, he's young and just trying to live life. Now that he's fighting with his family, getting into arguments at work and his grades are slipping, now he is concerned. Im a bit mad at his brother, because I just wished he was more concerned when I first mentioned it. Now, it's too late. And I also think it's unfair for him to put the burden on me to try and fix it. I'm the only one who has confronted him on his issues, and to try to talk about it. On a strange note, he did text me about 1:30 this morning wanting to know what's up, but I just ignored him.
I'm not going to lie, I really detest strip clubs, and anything that exploits women for their bodies. I myself was sexually assulted in my teenage years, and because of that, I had a hard time opening up with my sexuality. Later on, a friend tried to get me to open up by working part time as a hostess at a strip club, but then I saw my full time boss there, and I guess he got offended that I was working there, and asked me to leave and he would give me a raise, so I did. Because of that, I kind have a psychological issue where I kind of compare the men who tried to rape me as the same kind that would go to a strip club. My friend knows how I feel, before I had any knowledge he liked to frequent them. Either way, once his brother let on what was happening, I made the mistake of one night going to one of the strip clubs and surprising him there. It was one of the worst things I guess I could have done. I didn't judge him, I just went up to him, and was like, hey there, you mind treating this hard working gal to a drink. I guess he was pretty pissed, that he started to scream at me for being there, that I had no right, and that's when he grabbed me by the arm, dragged me outside and pushed me down on the pavement. He left me a pretty nasty bruise, and he told me to just go away and leave him the hell alone. I went home, and I let his brother know what happened.
The next day, my friend called to apologize, but told me to stop pushing him into a corner, that he's a full grown man and can do what he wants.
2 days later, he was off, and I was working the store, and I never told him this, but 2 of the cigar guys came in, and pretty much told me, when my friend is around them cigar guys, it means we don't want you around. This is why I think part of it might be drug related....
I guess most of you are right. It's not the strip clubs, he's in trouble, and I guess there is nothing I can do till he comes forward first, because I guess I'm just pushing him away.
Well, I was into the scene myself when I was in my thirties. It gives us a way to explore a different side of our s_x_ality and experience some form of closeness with a complete stranger that is difficult to get otherwise. But it is habit forming, so I don't judge.
As a patron, we don't fully appreciate what the women are there for. What types of situations put them there. Sure, the money is nice, but a lot of the women working there aren't making much more than they would anywhere else. A lot of them have drug habits they're trying to support. I'm sure a few of them are going to school and getting ahead but when you consider that industry, you can't really do anything else as you're ostracized professionally. Could just be easier to stay in it.
You also have guys that get fixated/obsessed with the workers, asking for the same girl all of the time, and guys that show up once the club closes.
Looking back on it, those were some dark days I did a lot of stupid stuff, a lot of ill advised stuff. Ill advised because people go into those clubs and rob people, kill them, all kinds of stuff can happen. Just never happened on the nights I was there. Personally, I see it as a legal, state sanctioned way to cheat (infidelity), no different than alcohol or cigarettes. Just another state sanctioned outlet for our frustrations that can end up doing more harm than good. I'd imagine some men are like you've experienced, but not all of the men that frequent those types of establishments are like that. I was never like that.
To your point though, maybe you just have a natural reaction, a reaction I could completely understand, considering your prior history with it. Even though it has nothing to do with him, on some level, you felt as though your friendship with him could protect you from being hurt in that way again, and he let you down, he disappointed you. This is of course assuming that he already knows what you've just told the thread about your past. But now that he's stuck in the matrix he's trying not to hurt you from bringing you around that side of him. So it's a rather delicate, complex situation, but I think that you two can get through this.
Hey, I'm female, and I had a close male friend I would hang and be around all of the time. But the past several months now, everytime I asked to chill, he says he's too busy, and well, I'm finding out he's been too busy with these new friends of his, and all he and them want to do is spend every free moment at the strip club.
Now, about a month ago, his brother called me, knowing that I'm usually pretty close to this guy, and was asking me if I knew about anything. Basically, he pretty much gave me the run down, he's been having problems with his family, his car, his college and money. He used to be fun and outgoing, but lately, he's been getting really angry, and I noticed him being this way with me too.
I decided to see what my friend is up to for his family's sake, and well, I pretty much noticed he joins these cigar buddies, and they go to either one or the other strip club, almost every night. If he's working, he gets out at midnight, and will go and not leave till 4:30, and if it's a day off, he's already there by 6 or 7. All night long. I keep asking if he wants to hang, and it's always, Naw, not tonight, I'm busy.
What's going on? I can understand men going to strip clubs once in a while for bachelor parties, but every night? Is it an addiction? Or something else? And he's been doing this for since March. He used to text me all the time, and ask if I'm Ok, and lately, he won't say nothing. Heck, a friend of ours got into a car crash, and he couldn't even take the time out to call her to see if she's ok.
I come up with 2 things. First, He's feeling a bit like a failure and so has started running with a new crowd that he doesn't have to measure up with, that don't know him or care. They may be tough anger issue guys and your friend is being drawn into that behavior. Also this new crowd could have something to do with money, he may be involved with them in shady dealings.
Second, I'm fully convinced that porn/sex/strip clubs what have you can be just addicting as gambling if not more so. Its all about those pleasure centers in the brain lighting up. And like most "drugs" you need more to get high and that's how many normal nice people end up getting caught with child porn on their computers. (Not that this is going to happen to your friend, just an example of addiction)
So your friend has two things doubling down on his behavior which is going to be hard to dig out of - the new friends he's trying to fit in with and the stripper/sex pleasure centers of his brain thing. (Unless of course he's just tagging along with the friends and its not hooking his brain, not everyone is susceptible to various things). And of course the underlying condition of his school/money/car life is not so good right now thing.
So, is there a problem? I would say yes. Do I know how to fix it? I wish I had advice but I honestly I'm a stranger so other than engaging other family and friends...best of luck, sincerely.
I come up with 2 things. First, He's feeling a bit like a failure and so has started running with a new crowd that he doesn't have to measure up with, that don't know him or care. They may be tough anger issue guys and your friend is being drawn into that behavior. Also this new crowd could have something to do with money, he may be involved with them in shady dealings.
Second, I'm fully convinced that porn/sex/strip clubs what have you can be just addicting as gambling if not more so. Its all about those pleasure centers in the brain lighting up. And like most "drugs" you need more to get high and that's how many normal nice people end up getting caught with child porn on their computers. (Not that this is going to happen to your friend, just an example of addiction)
So your friend has two things doubling down on his behavior which is going to be hard to dig out of - the new friends he's trying to fit in with and the stripper/sex pleasure centers of his brain thing. (Unless of course he's just tagging along with the friends and its not hooking his brain, not everyone is susceptible to various things). And of course the underlying condition of his school/money/car life is not so good right now thing.
So, is there a problem? I would say yes. Do I know how to fix it? I wish I had advice but I honestly I'm a stranger so other than engaging other family and friends...best of luck, sincerely.
Sad thing, I hate how so many people on this thread are just writing me off and that I should just forget about him or it's none of my business. All those, you aren't seeing how distructive this has become to him, his family, his friends and co-workers. I'm trying to forget about him, but it's easier said than done. And his behavior is mind boggling.
He does have some insecurities. His two biggest ones, he's 28 and still lives with mom, and he's short, only 5'6", when all the other men in his family tend to be 5'10" or taller. Now, his living with his mom is for a reason, it is a tough economy, and he is going to college and trying to get a degree in computer software engineering and web design. His dream, to move to California, work for Google for a decade, and then start up his own company, like another facebook or become the next Bill Gates.
Now, I'm aware of some other insecurities. Another, the store we work at is in a nice neighborhood. And his cigar buddies are all successful (there's a lawyer, a psychiatrist, and the rest own their own businesses or are executive managers at several businesses, including the cigar shop, a salon owner, a pest control owner, a developer, an electrician/plumber, real estate executive, travel agency, luxury car dealer. They all are wealthy, drive really nice cars, have really nice hobbies like collecting cars, traveling, boating, etc. Live in really nice homes in upscale neighborhoods. And my poor friend, still lives with mom, in the hood. He drives a beat up 92 Honda civic that keeps having to get work done, wears clothes that are decades old, wears shoes that are falling apart. Despite him going to school, living with mom and making decent money at the store as a grocery clerk, he just can't seem to get out of this hole he's in. Being around those people, for a while, I guess he can escape and pretend he's rich and living the good life, but then he has to face reality and go back to his home.
Now, despite his cigar buddies success stories, I am also quite aware of them selling some drugs on the side, and I got this feeling that they sweet talked my friend into that way of life. He's a good driver, he knows his cars, he lives in the ghetto, I can totally see them using him to their advantage, and they just fill his head with ignorant things like the strip clubs, partying, booze, promises of getting the money so he can have the nice car and house and live like the rappers did from Straight Outta Compton. One night a while back, he told me how his friends talked him into getting an auction license. I was like, why? He just shrugged his shoulders and tried to change the subject. Later on that week, I know a few of the girls to one of the strip clubs they are regular at, and she's like "Yeah, I think they are shady people. Sure, so and so might be a lawyer, but he owns like 3 mansions, 80 something cars, and I'm sorry, he's not that good of a lawyer to make all that. Trust me, when they request the champagne room, there are never any strippers in there. Something else is going down, and I doubt it's sexual in nature. And the auction license is just a throw off, that way when they do come around in nice cars and have those nice homes, they can just fabricate that they got all of that in an auction, when in reality, it was drug money that bought all that." And she did point out, think it's a coincidence that one is a lawyer, another a doctor, another a pest control owner, another a developer, another a real estate agent, another a car dealer and of course, the travel agent". Yeah, I'm starting to see the picture.
But there is a cost to all of this, and right now, my buddy is fighting like crazy with his family, his school, his friends and his co-workers.
Explain again why you are friends with this person? Do you have anything in common? Do you lack other friends?
We worked together part time at the same store for about 4-5 years (I've been there about 3 years more than he) We got along fairly well when I first met him, but I had my own life at the time. Taking care of my sick father, taking care of a horse, and I had two best friends at the time. Back then, I never really hung out with him or the others after work. Well, I started to go through some really tough times. My horse got sick and I had to put him down. Then one of my best friends got kicked in the head by her horse and was stuck in a vegetated state to this day. Then my father died. Then we got word that the store we were at was going to shut down for renovations and that we would all be relocated to the other various stores in the county. In the end, he and I were the only ones sent to the same store. It was also coincidence his brother was also my supervisor. Because of the move, my friend and I started to become more closer, and we found out that while I worked full time as a QC inspector at a technology factory, he just so happened to be going to college for technology. Then we started to bond over alcohol. He thought it was funny when I told him I prefer moonshine to beer. Despite the few similarities we had, I think it's our extreme differences that was interesting. I'm 10 years older than him, a white country girl who was an only child. He is a 1st generation Haitian who is the youngest of 7 kids.
My one best friend I had left had moved to another city when she found out she had cancer, so yes, at the time, I had no friends I really hung out, and was a bit alone. He started to invite me to hang out with the gang, and I did. Then I get the horrible news, my best friend lost her battle to cancer. That same night, I came to work, did my chores, hung out with the work buddies, including my friend. I drunk a little bit too much, and really didn't say anything. Everyone departed the parking lot, and I got in my car, but realized I was too drunk to drive, so I got out and sat back on the benches, and that's when the realization of losing my dad, horse and my two best friends really hit, and I started to cry. I guess he was almost gone out of the parking lot and seen me in his rearview mirror, and he turned around and came back to see what was wrong. I told him and he hugged me and let me cry on his shoulder till like 4 in the morning, until I was sober enough to drive. He followed me home to make sure I was OK, and since then I considered him to be a very good friend. Sure, there were others that I would hang out with, but if there was a party being planned, or an outing, he was the one that always would text me to let me know. If my car broke down, he'd come out and help me. One night, I got stupid at a bar, went home with some guy that ended up being a one night stand, and the jerk pretty much kicked me out of his house at 6 in the morning. My buddy just happened to call me at that moment when he got word I never made it home, so I asked him to come pick me up, and he drove a good 50 miles to do that. Then, when his car broke down, I would drive him to and from work, and I even let him borrow my car a few times to take a girl he liked out on a few dates. We just had a very good friendship where we could have fun and depend on eachother when in need.
Then one day, he asked me to come to the bar next door to the store, and he introduced me to his cigar buddies. For about a month, everything seemed to be fine. His cigar buddies, and the stores gang, all got along great. Then around March, is when I started to notice a change. He started to keep the cigar guys separate from the store friends. He stopped hanging out with us, and more with them. He started to change from being the happy go lucky, dependable fun guy, to all of a sudden, very quiet and secretive. We would make plans to go do something, and he would cancel them to hang out with the cigar guys and the strip clubs. Then that's when his brother wanted me to find out what was going on, and you guys know the rest.
He helped me through a really tough time in my life, and it's just heartbreaking watching my friend change literally, into a once happy person, into a monster.
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