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Oh yeah, the Mom wants Christmas? News flash, all people want things that are not going to match up to their expectation and they have to deal with it. Why should this mom be any exception to that rule?
She wants Christmas from her own kids, not the "world" or the "society". She has the right to feel let down in this situation.
Okay, I'm gonna disagree with the majority here. I do totally get how upsetting this is. I think scratching your head in dismay and then having a meltdown while trying to process this odd situation is perfectly understandable.
Maybe it's a generational thing. My mom has been gone for a few years. Her birthday was the day after Christmas. Easy to get shorted on gifts in that situation. But, whether Mom had been naughty or nice , we always made the effort to get her as nice a gift as we could afford for Christmas AND for her birthday. During the lean years, we had to be more thoughtful and creative, but we focused on what she liked and always came up with things that she seemed to really appreciate. The same was true with Dad when he was living.
I would have reacted the same way to your daughter's Christmas celebration. She could have done any of the following after offering to host:
Actually done what she said she was going to do. In a normal perspective, that would include at least sandwiches and pastry for everybody along with juice/coffee and have a festive plant.
She could have called ahead of time and said, "Mom, we've been really busier than we planned. Can you bring a deli tray and some Danish? I'm so sorry about this."
Apologized when you got there. " I feel really bad about this. Can we do something after the New Year to make up for it?"
Sorry, OP, those gifts (tea and jam) are the kinds of things you get from a grab bag drawing or from people who you only know casually. No real thought there unless you're a tea and jam fanatic. I don't even know you and I bet I might be able to find reasonably priced gifts that might make your eyes light up.
Did your daughter get a clue and say anything along the lines of an apology when you had to do a sandwich run to feed her guests?
All this being said, if they generally treat you decently, I would say something (after you feel more centered) along the lines of, "I didn't know what to make of brunch with no brunch and gifts that didn't feel personal. Next year if you need a Santa list, Dad and I can do that. You guys can do that too if you think there are gifts within our budget that would make you happier."
Hope you and your husband do something nice to enjoy the holiday.
This thread reminds me why I really despise the hoopla surrounding holidays. Although I am not religious, I crave the simplicity of a holiday centered on something more than fancy foods, glittery decorations, and gifts nobody wants or needs. It's a week before Christmas, and I'm up in the middle of the night worrying about the things I still have to accomplish before next weekend. My MIL is the Christmas queen with a house that looks as though Santa's sleigh exploded in the middle of it. It's all so...overwhelming! I know nothing I do will ever compare, and after years of coming up short, it's enough to make me want to slap a wreath on the door and call it good. And the worst of it is, I know that whatever I do, my MIL will be disappointed, although she'll smile and tell me that everything was nice. As I read what the OP has written, I sit here thinking, "Does she also complain about me to her friends behind my back?" Sadly, I'm fairly certain she does. Sigh. I truly hate this time of year.
This thread reminds me why I really despise the hoopla surrounding holidays. Although I am not religious, I crave the simplicity of a holiday centered on something more than fancy foods, glittery decorations, and gifts nobody wants or needs. It's a week before Christmas, and I'm up in the middle of the night worrying about the things I still have to accomplish before next weekend. My MIL is the Christmas queen with a house that looks as though Santa's sleigh exploded in the middle of it. It's all so...overwhelming! I know nothing I do will ever compare, and after years of coming up short, it's enough to make me want to slap a wreath on the door and call it good. And the worst of it is, I know that whatever I do, my MIL will be disappointed, although she'll smile and tell me that everything was nice. As I read what the OP has written, I sit here thinking, "Does she also complain about me to her friends behind my back?" Sadly, I'm fairly certain she does. Sigh. I truly hate this time of year.
You will never compete with your MIL by the sound of it and you're trying to keep up to her and gain her respect. Stop sweating the small stuff and just be yourself. You sound like a great person and if I were you, I'd put up a COUPLE of simple decorations and call it done.
Let her think whatever she wants. Let her gossip about you if she wants. If her friends are so petty to enjoy her gossip about her DIL, they are obviously all of the same feather... social climbers and snotty b*tches. Stop stressing over her and just live your own life.
My hubby's cousin is a very nice person, but is the same with the elaborate decorations and that's fine. It isn't me and I'm happy with what I put up. I keep it very simple and it seems each year I decorate less and less because I think it isn't really THAT important.
My house is neat and tidy and that's good enough.
I serve a good meal without all the glitz and glamour and that's good enough.
I'm always heave a sigh of relief on Boxing day. All the hullabaloo is over for another year.
I'm sorry, I know you're hurting but this is small potatoes. Sigh.
I'm 58, I have grown children. The important thing is getting together whenever you can. Christmas is just a holiday. That's all. Gone in the blink of an eye until next year.
You are a grown woman who still has an example to set for her children. Stop the drama, it's time to calm down and reflect before you say something that's difficult to take back. It sounds like your kids love you. Who the heck cares about gifts or food?
You got to spend time with all of your children today. Do you have any idea what some parents would give to spend time with children who are unavailable to them? Give thanks for that. And I mean on your knees giving thanks.
My 28 yo son is a heroin addict. I don't know if he's cold, hungry, dead or alive. We are shattered. I don't say that to elicit sympathy but to put your situation in perspective. You are one lucky mama. Life has treated you well. Give thanks.
This post is very sad, but the winner IMO. If people would only appreciate what they have.
My heart goes out to you. I hope your son will come around some day and clean up his act. We as parents never stop worrying about our children, no matter what the age.
Funny how the OP replied to most other posts, justifying her feelings. The OP totally ignored this post because maybe it touched a nerve that she couldn't argue against.
OP, read "homeonthelittlemountain's" post over and over again!
Is your life all that bad? Was your day with your daughter all that bad? Were those presents and lack of an elaborate meal all that important? Would you want to change places because "homeOTLM" surely would if she could. THINK ABOUT IT! Really think about it.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gouligann
OP, why did you ignore this post???
This post is very sad, but the winner IMO. If people would only appreciate what they have.
My heart goes out to you. I hope your son will come around some day and clean up his act. We as parents never stop worrying about our children, no matter what the age.
Funny how the OP replied to most other posts, justifying her feelings. The OP totally ignored this post because maybe it touched a nerve that she couldn't argue against.
OP, read "homeonthelittlemountain's" post over and over again!
Is your life all that bad? Was your day with your daughter all that bad? Were those presents and lack of an elaborate meal all that important? Would you want to change places because "homeOTLM" surely would if she could. THINK ABOUT IT! Really think about it.
I'm a hundred percent with you, not like there is any other reasonable choice. OP should be happy her parenting yielded kids that are even in a position to be even mediocre hosts for Christmas or kids that are willing to spend any time with her.
She wants Christmas from her own kids, not the "world" or the "society". She has the right to feel let down in this situation.
I think the situation is that the daughter's was going to spend the holiday with the in-laws, which she has every right to do. She probably just had this early holiday to appease the mother and it appears that it fell short. There may have been plans in place or other things to do for the second holiday (on the day) with the mother. We have no idea what was going on in the daughter's head at the time.
However, this is a stressful time of year, especially when you have two sides of the family you are trying to make happy. Hopefully, a family will accept that you can't be in both places every year and leave it at that. They'll be happy to get together whenever they can without putting pressure on other family members or making them feel guilty about other family obligations. It doesn't sound like that's the case here.
I kind of agree with the OP. Christmas is done a certain way in families. Don't offer to host if you are not going to do what is expected.
Do any of you think that say Thanksgiving was always done with the full meal and deserts for years and then if you hosted you would give turkey sandwiches from the deli?
The daughter said brunch. People expected brunch. I would have said "WTF is wrong with you? This isn't brunch".
As to the gifts I disagree with the OP. I don't want any gift that I cannot eat or drink. I have enough stuff. Most people over 50 do.
Your reaction is exactly why so many people dont even bother with Christmas anymore. Besides the fact its a phoney holiday, its all about expectations. What do I get? What will you do for me?
You gave your kids presents. Thats fine. Did you give them because you expect something equally back? Or did you give them because you wanted to?
I dont have a single friend who has any decorations up. Everyone is sick of it. We might use the holidays as an excuse to all get together and go out for dinner, but thats about it.
Your kids are grown. They will celebrate (or not) how they want. You can celebrate how you want. If you are going to make a big deal of this to your kids, dont expect you will see them next year.
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, we always made the effort to get her as nice a gift as we could afford for Christmas AND for her birthday. During the lean years, we had to be more thoughtful and creative, but we focused on what she liked and always came up with things that she seemed to really appreciate. The same was true with Dad when he was living.
She could have done any of the following after offering to host:
