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Another thought--my only kid is 25. Not married, back in school going for a Ph.D after living abroad for more than a year. We have a pretty good relationship. However, as she's now firmly in adulthood and I am expected to accept her as the adult she is, I realize sometimes that it doesn't go both ways. She sees me as Mom, not as a PERSON. I don't mean that negatively, but I mean that she really doesn't know who I am or certain things about me. Some of that is ok, too. There are parts of me she doesn't need to know about. But it is something I have been aware of since she came back to the USA.
I would guess that the OP's kids are the same. You're Mom, and they may have a skewed view of who you are. Maybe it's time for us to be less Mom and more who we really are.
A tin of tea and a jar of jam is something you give a random neighbor (thank you whoever wrote this to me), not your Mom at Christmas.
I feel disrespected and disappointed. Did our celebrations all these years mean nothing?
I have never enjoyed musical performances. Why would they think this would be something I'd want?
Did all the time, and attention I devoted to loving and raising these people amount to nothing?
Should I persist in trying to keep our family traditions going or just admit defeat and throw in the towel?
It was fun raising them. But might be time to move on.
Ok, there's venting, and then there's histrionics. This in bold ^^^ is the latter.
We do get it. She did a poor job hosting the week-early Christmas. A VERY poor job. And you've written before about how you make a big deal about your birthday but your family doesn't. Do you REALLY want to base your entire relationship on this?
If the roles were reversed, and you were the young person instead of the parent, you would be getting serious grief from this forum for your sense of entitlement.
Why was this event planned for a workday? Why didn't you offer to bring something for lunch? Did you tell anyone what you wanted or needed for Christmas? Give them tips for what their father wanted or needed? Are there grandchildren involved?
Sense of entitlement? When did expecting something to eat when you'e been invited to brunch become a sense of entitlement?
Or is expecting a gift that involved more thought than picking up something at grocery store a sense of entitlement?
I did offer to bring something. I mentioned this earlier in the thread. She declined saying that brunch would be no problem.
There are no grandchildren. I have a wish list on Amazon. They all use Amazon constantly. Empty Amazon boxes stacked in the garage.
I think they are just so used to taking us for granted that it doesn't occur to them to be thoughtful.
Ok, there's venting, and then there's histrionics. This in bold ^^^ is the latter.
We do get it. She did a poor job hosting the week-early Christmas. A VERY poor job. And you've written before about how you make a big deal about your birthday but your family doesn't. Do you REALLY want to base your entire relationship on this?
Just to be clear, I am throwing a histrionic hissy fit. If I capitalized random words, would that make it easier to comprehend?
They treat me like an old shoe and I'm tired of it, but this was a new low and it put me over the edge.
I'll take a deep breath, get some perspective on matters, and let them know that I was disappointed.
A tin of tea and a jar of jam is something you give a random neighbor (thank you whoever wrote this to me), not your Mom at Christmas.
I feel disrespected and disappointed. Did our celebrations all these years mean nothing?
I have never enjoyed musical performances. Why would they think this would be something I'd want?
Did all the time, and attention I devoted to loving and raising these people amount to nothing?
Should I persist in trying to keep our family traditions going or just admit defeat and throw in the towel?
It was fun raising them. But might be time to move on.
Maybe they thought it would be something you like. Maybe they've struck out so many times with choosing a gift for you that they've simply stopped trying. My mother-in-law is a tough person to buy for; no interests or hobbies, no collections, hates gift cards, is alllergic to fragrances, and is easily offended. For years I would agonize over choosing a thoughtful gift, and she'd subtly let me know I missed the mark. So, I stopped trying and now I give something generic and innocuous every year.
Location: Foothills of Maryland Blue Ridge mountains
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould
You nailed it.
A tin of tea and a jar of jam is something you give a random neighbor (thank you whoever wrote this to me), not your Mom at Christmas.
I feel disrespected and disappointed. Did our celebrations all these years mean nothing?
I have never enjoyed musical performances. Why would they think this would be something I'd want
Did all the time, and attention I devoted to loving and raising these people amount to nothing?
Should I persist in trying to keep our family traditions going or just admit defeat and throw in the towel?
It was fun raising them. But might be time to move on.
So all the effort you put into raising your children is for naught because they didn't provide your ideal Christmas celebration?
Stop the narcissistic drama. It isn't good for you. It isn't healthy to be so focused on yourself. This isn't just ordinary disappointment, this goes much deeper. Something is way, way off here.
Maybe they thought it would be something you like. Maybe they've struck out so many times with choosing a gift for you that they've simply stopped trying. My mother-in-law is a tough person to buy for; no interests or hobbies, no collections, hates gift cards, is alllergic to fragrances, and is easily offended. For years I would agonize over choosing a thoughtful gift, and she'd subtly let me know I missed the mark. So, I stopped trying and now I give something generic and innocuous every year.
Sorry about your mother-in-law being so difficult to buy for.
However, I do have hobbies, interests, a wish list on Amazon, etc.
My guess is that they are so used to me taking care of them that I have long ago faded into the background.
So all the effort you put into raising your children is for naught because they didn't provide your ideal Christmas celebration?
Stop the narcissistic drama. It isn't good for you. It isn't healthy to be so focused on yourself. This isn't just ordinary disappointment, this goes much deeper.
If you don't want to read my narcissistic drama, there are literally thousands of other threads to follow.
As to just stopping, how does one just stop one's heart from hurting?
Not only was this not my ideal Christmas celebration, this was a mockery of our family traditions. If they didn't want to host Christmas, fine. No one asked them to. They volunteered. Perhaps they felt this was a way to make up for holding it a week early.
Of course it's not good for me. I'm ready to disown the whole bunch. I know I'd regret that.
But I'm definitely taking a break from presents for a year or two.
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