Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am guessing, since you haven't said what type volunteer situation. But, my guess is she has a fear of letting her guard down to people that are being nice/normal because she is either a childhood survivor of abuse, or she has never had anyone be nice just because.
She is more comfortable with those bad behaving people, because it is familiar. Much the same way many an abused wife stays with her abuser, it is at least familiar.
She may not be able to help herself emotionally right now. It is an unconscious emotional reaction, possibly to being abandoned as a child....and there are many other reasons.
You could do some research and find out ways to reach her. But, if you aren't prepared to be in her life long term, you'd just be another person that let her down.
It is a hard decision that you need to make. But, if you are training to be a mental health worker, you can help her and learn much by doing so.
But, If you avoid her, it simply reinforces for her that people who "pretend" (she thinks it is pretend) to care about you abandon you.
Be consistent if you can. It is ok for you to tell her that you don't appreciate her behaviors, but that you do appreciate her as a human being, and that you do want to be there for her.
People like this get into a push/pull cycle. They are often the meanest when they are feeling the most vulnerable. It is a learned behavior....and a skillful therapist can do wonders to help folks cope better who have these issues. I hope that whatever facility she is in helps her with her emotional issues.
Good on you for volunteering...it really is a blessing for both the helped individual and the volunteer.
With some people, the nicer you are to them, the worse they will treat you.
I would avoid her like the plague.
^^^^^^this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird
She hates herself so much that she cant respect anyone who likes her or is kind to her.
Pretty sad, really.
And this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl
I think knowing what sort of group this is would help...if she's mentally ill.bipolar or disabled in some way or something that explains her personality difficulties and they aren't fixable. What kind of place is this?
That's an easy out and also kind of rude towards people with mental issues and disabilities.
There are people who just enjoy being miserable, they always have it worse than anyone else, and when offered logical and easy solutions turn a deaf ear.
I know someone who is bipolar and they're very nice, and someone in a wheelchair(a young guy who due to a car accident) who has an amazing attitude, and a much better one than I know I would have.
Some people enjoy being in a rage or miserable, I don't get it. But they exist.
The person the OP describes must have a sister here in CA....LOL. Because I know someone just like this and I have distanced myself.
I volunteer with this girl. She's a little bit older than me, and generally a miserable person. She talks behind people's backs constantly and says really harsh things, like that certain people are "idiots" and "useless", just really nasty things. From what I gather she's also unhappy about being single, overweight, and in poor health (her words).
When I first started volunteering there, I noticed that she seemed very lonely and unhappy, so I and a few new volunteers went out of our way to be nice to her. Now I'm starting to realize that the only people she seems to "respect" are the ones who won't give her the time of day. As soon as you're actually nice to her, she starts treating you like you're expendable. If you treat her like crap, she respects you.
I now see, of course, why everyone stays away from her. I do feel bad for her, but I'm so disgusted at how she's acted towards me (and others) that I don't want anything to do with her. I plan on avoiding her from here on out.
My question is, why would a person basically spit in the face of someone who has been kind to them?
Probably because she has low self esteem and is totally miserable. She might be depressed, or she might simply be a disagreeable person.
She needs to do the work on herself to find out why she is like she is. But in my experience, most people do not want to work on themselves, because it is too hard, or because they might have to admit things about themselves they do not want to admit.
I do think is OK to say at some point, that you do not like her constant negative talk. I would think you would say that with civility and respect. She probably needs to hear this. I can't guarantee it will have an effect.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
Probably because she has low self esteem and is totally miserable. She might be depressed, or she might simply be a disagreeable person.
She needs to do the work on herself to find out why she is like she is. But in my experience, most people do not want to work on themselves, because it is too hard, or because they might have to admit things about themselves they do not want to admit.
I do think is OK to say at some point, that you do not like her constant negative talk. I would think you would say that with civility and respect. She probably needs to hear this. I can't guarantee it will have an effect.
That is a good idea about saying you're tired of all the negative talk. The thing is if she says she will try not to be so negative, it will only last a short time, than back to who she is.
Since the OP volunteers with her if possible try and find out when she volunteers and do it at a different time.
That's an easy out and also kind of rude towards people with mental issues and disabilities.
There are people who just enjoy being miserable, they always have it worse than anyone else, and when offered logical and easy solutions turn a deaf ear.
I know someone who is bipolar and they're very nice, and someone in a wheelchair(a young guy who due to a car accident) who has an amazing attitude, and a much better one than I know I would have.
Some people enjoy being in a rage or miserable, I don't get it. But they exist.
The person the OP describes must have a sister here in CA....LOL. Because I know someone just like this and I have distanced myself.
Re-read the OP...OP is a volunteer working with this girl at some kind of center. That's why am assuming she has a mental disorder (that combined with behavior), she is obviously not an independently functioning adult. There are many degrees of severity of bipolar.
I asked OP in what capacity she was volunteering and what kind of center it is but she never answered. In any case, if you are going to sign up to volunteer with troubled people, you need to accept upfront they have issues. It's pretty much to be assumed that the person who is volunteering is mature enough to realize that people with mental struggles or any kind of struggles may not respond the way we would.
Re-read the OP...OP is a volunteer working with this girl at some kind of center. That's why am assuming she has a mental disorder (that combined with behavior), she is obviously not an independently functioning adult. There are many degrees of severity of bipolar.
I asked OP in what capacity she was volunteering and what kind of center it is but she never answered. In any case, if you are going to sign up to volunteer with troubled people, you need to accept upfront they have issues. It's pretty much to be assumed that the person who is volunteering is mature enough to realize that people with mental struggles or any kind of struggles may not respond the way we would.
I did read the OP. The OP said she volunteers with this girl, and mentioned other volunteers.
I took that to mean that this difficult person is also a volunteer.
Maybe I am wrong but I didn't get that the OP is talking about a client she is assigned to help, but a fellow volunteer.
So I suggested if possible to try and volunteer when this woman isn't there.
I did read the OP. The OP said she volunteers with this girl, and mentioned other volunteers.
I took that to mean that this difficult person is also a volunteer.
Maybe I am wrong but I didn't get that the OP is talking about a client she is assigned to help, but a fellow volunteer.
So I suggested if possible to try and volunteer when this woman isn't there.
Re-reading the OP, it sounds like it could be either. OP said they (OP and other new volunteers) approached this person because she seemed lonely and unhappy, and that would be odd if she were also a volunteer, but who knows?
Re-reading the OP, it sounds like it could be either. OP said they (OP and other new volunteers) approached this person because she seemed lonely and unhappy, and that would be odd if she were also a volunteer, but who knows?
I wish the OP had been more clearer. You get all types when it comes to volunteers. Being in two volunteer groups I know....LOL. While most people are dedicated and you have a common interest, you do the get some oddballs.
Hopefully the OP will come back and clarify, is this a fellow volunteer or someone she is assigned to help.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
