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Anyone here have strains on their marriage due to the death of their spouses parents and the drama connected to the arrangements?
About a week ago I started a discussion on City Data about my wife's father being on his death bed and how she did not want to spend the time and money to say goodbye to her Dad after a lifetime of coldness from both her parents. Well after a week of suffering, the lord has send my wife's father home. He has died and now we are in funeral planning mode.
The rest of the family (my wife's three sisters) now are saying how wonderful their father was and how he deserves a great send off. The best casket, a two day visitation at the funeral home, a fancy funeral and a huge reception for family and friends. Estimated cost about $20,000.
Trouble is, the rest of the family does not have any money and are living pay check to paycheck. My wife is the only person who has any money and were were told that we will pay for the whole event. We owe it to him and the family because we could not find the time to visit him on his death bed.
Our money situation is good, but not excellent. We are retired.
Because my wife's mother will not have her now deceased husband's Social Security checks anymore, she will not have enough money to pay her mortgage and cover other expenses, so we were told that we should send her a $1000 a month to cover the shortfall. Her parents stopped paying on the term life insurance and, again, no one else in the family has any money.
Your thoughts and your own experiences regarding how your relationship with your spouse was impacted by the death of his or her parents.
Moderator note, January 30, 2017: People, this thread has been cleaned up on more than one occasion. Inappropriate and off-topic posts have been deleted. Please stay on topic. If this thread is hijacked again it will be permanently closed.
Personally, I wouldn't spend a dime on an elaborate funeral. If there is no money at all, a cardboard casket for a cremation, cemetery plot, and modest grave marker.
It's also not your problem to pay for someone to live beyond their means. If she can't afford a 1 bedroom apartment, help with that. You are retired. It's not bottomless. She probably needs to be in subsidized elderly housing. Help get her on the waiting list.
The bigger issue comes when she can't live independently. Assisted living costs a fortune. You need to have a contingency plan for that. You should probably have a meeting with the social worker who deals with the elderly in that town. This happens every day.
So I think you have an obligation to make sure she is safe. You have no obligation to pay for an elaborate funeral or unaffordable housing. It might turn out that chipping in on mortgage, taxes, insurance, and utilities is the cheapest way to go in the short term. I don't know the numbers. And don't yield to the family pressure. They are where they are because they made poor decisions. Don't allow them to force a bad decision on you.
Personally, I wouldn't spend a dime on an elaborate funeral. If there is no money at all, a cardboard casket for a cremation, cemetery plot, and modest grave marker.
It's also not your problem to pay for someone to live beyond their means. If she can't afford a 1 bedroom apartment, help with that. You are retired. It's not bottomless. She probably needs to be in subsidized elderly housing. Help get her on the waiting list.
The bigger issue comes when she can't live independently. Assisted living costs a fortune. You need to have a contingency plan for that. You should probably have a meeting with the social worker who deals with the elderly in that town. This happens every day.
So I think you have an obligation to make sure she is safe. You have no obligation to pay for an elaborate funeral or unaffordable housing. It might turn out that chipping in on mortgage, taxes, insurance, and utilities is the cheapest way to go in the short term. I don't know the numbers. And don't yield to the family pressure. They are where they are because they made poor decisions. Don't allow them to force a bad decision on you.
I don't have much to add beyond the sound advice GeoffD gave.
Just wanted to say that the siblings/family seem like money suckers. They want a grand event for their deceased father but has no intentions of chipping in, what? I'm willing to bet that this will not be the end of it. Especially if you and your wife agree to pay 20k for the funeral - they'll only find other fees to add to that bill. I'd be more worried about the financial situation with the mom than the deceased dad.
She can't decide so it is a relationship issue. After much discussion, she changes her mind every few hours.
That is completely normal. I'm sure she has some guilt about being fairly estranged from her parents. That creates the conflict. She also has the baggage of a lifetime family dynamic with her sisters. You have to calmly help her work through all that baggage and conflict. None of this is her fault and her sisters are trying to make it that way. It is very manipulative. The right thing to do is make sure her mother is ok and that there is a long term plan to make that happen.
Dont let her family bully you two. He can be buried for 1/5 of that. If the rest of the family wants elaborate, they can pay for it.
Rather than paying for the mother's mortgage, why not sell the house and put her in something she can afford. Poor planning on their part doesnt constitute an emergency on your part. Sometimes people have to live with their own circumstances, especially if the relationship with your wife wasnt good.
Tough spot. Good luck.
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