weddings - i need to vent... (person, children, brother, relatives)
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But are things like china really practical? My parents got china off of their registry. In almost 40 years, I don't believe it ever got used and just sits taking up space in a cabinet in their dining room. None of my friends who have gotten married have picked out china patterns.
Honestly, since people in my area get married in their late 20s at the earliest, they already *have* most things that would traditionally go on a registry. If my partner and I were to have a wedding (we plan on eloping), the only things I could think of to put on a registry would be expensive luxury appliances that we have not had a reason to purchase: a nice stand mixer, a Vitamix, an espresso machine, a washer and dryer, and the like. We already have 3 crockpots, two toaster ovens, and about a dozen baking dishes and pots and pans between us! And you can get nice looking plates and glasses at Ikea for a few bucks.
This seems to be common among friends who set up websites asking for money rather than registries. I have never been to a wedding where the couple had not already set up a household independently before getting married! I appreciated that my brother and SIL had a honeyfund website where you could buy them dinner, or a train ticket, or admission to a museum. They had to set up a money-focused site because they were afraid they'd end up with tons of kitchen appliances and such that they already had from well meaning older friends and relatives who wouldn't realize that they of course had all of that stuff already - they had owned a home together for 2 years!
I did recently attend a wedding where they had a registry asking for basic household items because the bride and groom had not lived independently from their parents. Well, that's not quite true--the groom is in the military. But he did not have his own apartment. He lived on base.
I bought two place settings, but like most people these days, they had no need for fancy "china". Instead, she had nice place settings chosen for everyday use. Each ran $30-something. (What WAS really funny and indicative that they are millennials was that one of her attendants read the cards aloud as the bride opened the shower gifts--and it became apparent that the young woman could not read cursive handwriting.)
I've never heard the term "honeyfund" until this thread. That does strike me as a bit tacky. It may be just the times changing and I haven't caught up with it. When I was in my 20s, it was still considered low-class in some segments of society to give cash as a wedding gift, and that has changed. I always give cash now.
I think the traditional registry is just outdated these days. The median age for a first marriage is much later than it used to be. People tend to already live together before marriage and many already own homes. They just don't need a whole lot of stuff like they used to need back in the day when they were marrying in their early 20s right out of college or their parents' houses and had no "adult" stuff to their names.
Most people I know don't think of weddings as a gift grab. Weddings are expensive. Who is going to do a $20K wedding for a $50 toaster? Come on! Most people fund their own weddings now and have no need for half the stuff, yet "etiquette" from half a decade ago dictates they're still supposed to ask for things they don't really need. If people dare to ask for nothing at all, they'll still get stuff they don't need. If they DO ask for stuff they might actually find useful, it's then considered a greedy gift grab. It's really a no-win situation except in cultures where giving money is standard.
But this, the bolded, is still the problem. You don't "do" a wedding to get gifts. Or you aren't supposed to. A wedding isn't a fundraiser. You are supposed to pay for a wedding based on what you can afford RIGHT NOW, not based on what you think you're going to get back in money.
Yes, I agree, people don't need those household things if they've already got them, and in all practicality, the people they are inviting should know that, but that's a different subject from people expecting that money gifts from guests should cover the cost of the celebration they throw.
my experience is - registry is for the bridal shower (comprised of household items whether the couple already lives together or not); cash for the actual wedding gift.. and i know so many people disagree with this, but where i live it is normal to cover your plate at least.
the only exception to this was two couples i know - they already lived together so they did the honeyfund instead of having a registry
I can't remember if I had a registry 35 years ago. I know I didn't want China or Crystal anything so maybe I probably didn't. My cousin got married a few years back and had something like a Honeyfund but it wasn't for a Honeymoon, they had already bought a small house together and the fund was to have central heating put in. There was also a traditional registry. Instead of buying a gift I donated towards the furnace since the practical side of me was impressed.
Wow someone practical! I would not have an issue giving them money or a gift card to make a repair to their home. I say good for them for not wanting that $200 Lenox China place setting that they'll use once.
You should not let people who like to show off their gifts ruin your day! And I doubt wedding gifts have little to do with divorce.
Wedding gifts tell you a lot about the persons getting married. Some are incredibly selfish. The wedding it's self tells you a lot. I know several couples who got loans to pay for their wedding. At their divorce, they had to pay off their wedding.....so yeah there could be a correlation between the wedding being a fashion show and not about marriage. A wedding does NOT make a marriage!
I think the traditional registry is just outdated these days. The median age for a first marriage is much later than it used to be. People tend to already live together before marriage and many already own homes. They just don't need a whole lot of stuff like they used to need back in the day when they were marrying in their early 20s right out of college or their parents' houses and had no "adult" stuff to their names.
Most people I know don't think of weddings as a gift grab. Weddings are expensive. Who is going to do a $20K wedding for a $50 toaster? Come on! Most people fund their own weddings now and have no need for half the stuff, yet "etiquette" from half a decade ago dictates they're still supposed to ask for things they don't really need. If people dare to ask for nothing at all, they'll still get stuff they don't need. If they DO ask for stuff they might actually find useful, it's then considered a greedy gift grab. It's really a no-win situation except in cultures where giving money is standard.
If a couple chooses to spend $20,000 on a wedding, that's their choice. They should not expect or demand gifts to pay for an admission ticket to the show. I know many people who got married and spent significantly less. Everyone doesn't need the golf course wedding. If you can afford it, good for you, but don't expect people to pay you back with cash or gifts so that you break even or make money on your wedding. Again, a wedding is not a marriage. If couples spent half as much time working on their relationship as they do their wedding, the divorce rate would be significantly lower.
my experience is - registry is for the bridal shower (comprised of household items whether the couple already lives together or not); cash for the actual wedding gift.. and i know so many people disagree with this, but where i live it is normal to cover your plate at least.
the only exception to this was two couples i know - they already lived together so they did the honeyfund instead of having a registry
When I was younger and dating/engaged/married to my husband, I heard that phrase a lot. "You have to at least cover your plate." That was the way of thinking among the people in the ethnic social circles in which he grew up, which was somewhat different from mine. (I'm trying to be PC here--we were all the same race, but different ethnic backgrounds/religions apparently did things differently.) I had never heard that phrase before I met him. Per the etiquette mavens, that's a tacky way of operating, but as you point out, it's just the way it's viewed in many places.
We always gave cash gifts with one exception--one couple were known to be heavy cocaine users. Her father was paying for her wedding, and I wasn't giving them my hard-earned money to snort up their noses. I bought them crystal candlesticks instead.
When they say they don't make things like they used to, they really mean it!
Some of us are old enough to remember when things were made out of metal! Even with toys--the first time I picked up a kid's Tonka Truck and realized it was made out of plastic, I was appalled.
But yes, kitchen appliances used to also be made of metal, not plastic. They lasted longer.
Some of us are old enough to remember when things were made out of metal! Even with toys--the first time I picked up a kid's Tonka Truck and realized it was made out of plastic, I was appalled.
But yes, kitchen appliances used to also be made of metal, not plastic. They lasted longer.
Some of us had metal Tonka trucks as kids.
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