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fact is that etiquette and thoughtfulness are gone with things like weddings and showers. It used to be that weddings were a way of celebrating and bringing family and friends together. Today it's just about the bride and groom and what suits them. Used to be that if you had budget concerns you would lower your standards for your big day to include everyone. Now i hear of couples who have lavish destination weddings that exclude most of their loved ones. People used to care about rules of etiquette but no more. Now people throw their own showers and include in their invitations where they are registered. All of these things are tacky to those of us who are of an older generation but it seems the younger crowd doesn't care. It is very rude for the op to be excluded from the wedding invitation.
thank you!!!!
The heart of etiquette is just what you are saying. Making others feel good about themselves, and included. Placing others before yourself.
The heart of etiquette is just what you are saying. Making others feel good about themselves, and included. Placing others before yourself.
Exactly! When I got married years ago, it was very important especially to my parents to include everyone. That meant my guest list had a lot of people I did not know personally like business friends of my parents, close friends of my in-laws, etc. But I was raised to know that a wedding isn't just about the bride and groom but also about bringing families together. If my mother-in-law wanted her friend there for her son's big day of course I wanted that too. People need to remember that a wedding represents a lot more than just a splashy day for the bride and groom.
Fact is that etiquette and thoughtfulness are gone with things like weddings and showers. It used to be that weddings were a way of celebrating and bringing family and friends together. Today it's just about the bride and groom and what suits them. Used to be that if you had budget concerns you would lower your standards for your big day to include everyone. Now I hear of couples who have lavish destination weddings that exclude most of their loved ones. People used to care about rules of etiquette but no more. Now people throw their own showers and include in their invitations where they are registered. All of these things are tacky to those of us who are of an older generation but it seems the younger crowd doesn't care. It is very rude for the OP to be excluded from the wedding invitation.
My theory is that marriage itself has essentially become optional for many (maybe most) young couples today. So when they have a wedding, it's really just an acquisition--like going on a luxury cruise--not a meaningful social ceremony for a solemn life commitment. As such, it's no longer primarily an affair uniting two families, it's just something to share with BFFs and Facebook-level friends.
I think it's certainly possible that it was an error. Friends & family members often help couples with tasks like addressing invites, so it could simply have been a clerical error by someone helping out with the invites. They may also not know that they should address the invite to both & in their mind, it was implied.
If it was intentional, it's incredibly rude. I would get on the phone with someone in the family & try to clarify if it was a simple error or not. Then make my decisions appropriately.
Exactly! When I got married years ago, it was very important especially to my parents to include everyone. That meant my guest list had a lot of people I did not know personally like business friends of my parents, close friends of my in-laws, etc. But I was raised to know that a wedding isn't just about the bride and groom but also about bringing families together. If my mother-in-law wanted her friend there for her son's big day of course I wanted that too. People need to remember that a wedding represents a lot more than just a splashy day for the bride and groom.
Did your parents help pay? That makes a huge difference difference. In my family, family has always paid for the weddings. That stopped with my generation, but family stills puts pressure on inviting EVERYONE. Most of my peers pay for all or most of their own weddings, so the idea that everyone gets invited quickly falls by the wayside for financial responsibility.
My partner and I plan on eloping in large part because neither of our families will help with the cost at all and we want to avoid tough situations like, "Is it more rude to not invite this cousin at all or to invite them but not their spouse who we've only met a handful of times?" Definitely a generational thing at play, here, too. I can't imagine being offended because I wasn't invited to the wedding of someone I've met twice, even if my partner was invited due to his family relationship or friendship, though I recognize that others do feel that way and would rather not open the possibility for that situation spiraling.
That said, there's no indication that that's what happened to the OP. Her husband should call.
I can't imagine being offended because I wasn't invited to the wedding of someone I've met twice, even if my partner was invited due to his family relationship or friendship, though I recognize that others do feel that way and would rather not open the possibility for that situation spiraling.
I can't imagine not being offended at such a clearly targeted exclusion, or not expecting others to be offended. I wouldn't invite someone even to dinner without the inclusion of the Special Other.
Maybe it's a small wedding and they can't afford to include everyone and their spouse. I am really surprised so many people are up on arms about it.
So? My daughter's wedding was small--planned to be no more than 50 plates total, including her and the groom. It wasn't hard at all to understand that couples would be invited together and plan accordingly.
Apparently your husband isn't even on friendly terms with the cousin or he would have just picked up the phone and asked. "Dude. Did you forget I was married or wth???"
People are so funny. They act all shady and think it won't be noticed when all they have to do is TALK to the people in advance.
IE If I worked in an office and one of my coworkers said "Look I'd love to have you guys at my wedding but would you be insulted if we only invited you since we're doing it on a budget?" I doubt anyone would be offended.
This whole debate isn't even about the wedding. It's about the reception. And there you have it. $$$
If you can only "afford" to invite one spouse then you can't afford the wedding to begin with and need to scale it BACK.
Same people probably going broke on car payments of cars they can't afford - bet you a dollar.
"Never ascribe to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity." --- Hanlan's Razor
Give them a text and ask if the intent was to invite both.
I love this advice and I use it often. But here, I'm not sure it IS adequately explained by stupidity. Cousin was at OP's wedding. Cousin knows OP's wife.
There was language explicitly stating that wife was not invited. Not sure how much clearer it could get.
Quote:
Originally Posted by key2success
basically if your husband is invited your invited.when I invite my friends to my house gatherings they already know by default they can bring their girlfriends or wives without me saying
I don't think you can always assume this. Especially with the language to the contrary on the invitation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dbsteel
It's deliberate. You always allow that whoever you invite can bring a date. Maybe they have a reason to keep it small..... then don't go. It could be a cost thing or a venue thing. We had a small reception dinner down in the Keys, and it was in a small room. I doubt we could have fit one more person in there. I guess you could ask "why no date" if you want to be clear.
I get that people may want to keep the wedding small. Then you don't invite cousin. You don't split up spouses. If you have to keep it small, make a very limited guest list, like only immediate family and very close friends.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck
OP - Decline the invite and send a book on manners and etiquette as the wedding gift.
Hahahahaha. I love this idea.
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