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Status:
"This too shall pass. But possibly, like a kidney stone."
(set 12 days ago)
36,005 posts, read 18,280,610 times
Reputation: 51063
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BobCaldwell
I find people who seek validation to be...well, I wouldn't go so far as to call them 'toxic', but irritating.
And insecure.
Don't most people seek validation? Whenever I get together with friends, if someone has a cool outfit, or did their hair differently, it gets validated. If they have a story to tell about someone being rude to them, others agree with them and get a good laugh in support.
I agree that some people need constant validation and they're draining, but in my observation most people need at least some validation from friends.
I love how everyone is saying this friend is toxic by one paragraph. That's definitely a forum like responses.
OP (whom I just realized is a guy) even says "she never gives me validation".
Right, but then he goes on to explain that the issue isn't that she's not telling him he looks good, but that she's always criticizing or saying something negative, so his characterization of her "not giving him validation" is misleading- it sounds more like a person who *always* has something negative/critical to say, which is actually pretty consistent with the concept of "toxic".
OP, I just caught on to the fact that this is not a same-gender friendship; you're a guy. And you say this woman sought you out, initiating the so-called "friendship"? Are you so desperate for female attention that you'd actually put up with this? That's something to look at, in yourself. Maybe you're hurting from the breakup with your gf, or something?
Nobody should be this needy, OP. Muster some self-respect, and block her on everything, and move on. You deserve better.
I try to avoid any association that creates unnecessary negativity in any way. Life is hard enough without letting anyone make it harder for no reason. Try not to overthink this; just tend to your own emotional health.
I wouldn't call this "toxic". More like just a friendship that isn't serving you any longer. You say that she makes these comments to you often so maybe it's time to reevaluate whether this friendship is really worth it to you anymore.
Toxic would be something deeply psychologically scarring like having a narcissist for a parent. That's toxic. This that you're describing with your friend is just annoying but not something that would scar you for life.
So, I have a friend who i have noticed, has seemingly made a consious choice to not say anything positive about me and in particular my appearance. She text me daily, so its a fairly close friendship and its also the reason i was able to tell she is doing this.
An example, of how criticism is she will see a pic of me on vacation and say my posture sucks and people are going to think im really insecure. and start giving me tips on posture.
Another example is how she refers to all my past relationshps as flings due to the duration ( 6 months to 1.5 years) and how its going to take a special woman for me to be in a relationship
An examples of completely refusing to validate and i know the conversation is childish, but i think it illustrates my point
1. Ex Gf sent me a kind of ****ty message looking for attention. I told my friend about it, the conversation went like this.
her "Well, if she is really acting and saying the things you say she is..."
me "What do mean if i say so? I sent you the text"
her" Well, it looks like you initiated the conversation, so just stop reaching out"
me"The text clearly shows she initiated it. i didnt even reply"
her "it was probably an accident"
me "she said my name"
her "Well, if people are treating you like this, its probably because of how you treated them"
She is the one who initiates most of our conversations/hangouts. So, i have someone actively pursuing a friendship with me and is fun to hang out with.
Would you consider this type of behavior toxic? Or is it me being sensitive? I've never been interested in dating this woman due to 14 years age difference(and vice versa), but i guess i am considering the reason im souring on the friendship is because she refuses to give me any validation .
OP, I'm confused: why do you even consider this person your "friend?"
She isn't generous with empathy, for some reason. She hasn't picked up on your venting about stuff in your life - you are just wanting to share your frustration and hear some sympathy, agreement, phrases like 'aw man, that sucks...." etc etc.
She has taken it upon herself to 'sort you out', solve your problems by telling you you're the one with the problem. lol.
I do have to wonder what you have in common and why you're friends. Is there another side of her which you really like? She sounds pretty confrontational and condescending.
OP, I'm confused: why do you even consider this person your "friend?"
Exactly. Where in this picture is the "friendship" part, OP?
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