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I've had "friends" who insisted that their criticism was well-intended, to help me. Don't believe it! Check out this article from O Magazine about friends who want to be brutally honest---as the writer noted, she felt these critiques were keeping her honest, but they were just keeping her injured.
i dont need reassurance on my appearance. most of my female friends and i never talk about it.
my appearance only comes up with her because she makes negative comments about it. so its noticeable that she is only saying negative things and avoiding positive comments.
my other female friends could think im the sexiest/ugliest guy alive and i woudlnt know it .
and its not just my appearance, its like the conversation about the ****ty text from my ex. she blatantly tried everything she could to turn it back on me. rather than say "that was ****ty of her"
Well I guess what we can learn from this is that 4th graders should not be given cell phones.
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OP, I'm confused: why do you even consider this person your "friend?"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vectoris
She isn't generous with empathy, for some reason. She hasn't picked up on your venting about stuff in your life - you are just wanting to share your frustration and hear some sympathy, agreement, phrases like 'aw man, that sucks...." etc etc.
She has taken it upon herself to 'sort you out', solve your problems by telling you you're the one with the problem. lol.
I do have to wonder what you have in common and why you're friends. Is there another side of her which you really like? She sounds pretty confrontational and condescending.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
Exactly. Where in this picture is the "friendship" part, OP?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43
I wouldn't tolerate someone like that.
Why are you friends?
i dont think it was this way always or i just didnt notice. like i said i never talk about my appearance to my female friends or send them pics or anything, so she could of always been like this.
i picked up on it when we were out and someone made a dick drunk comment. and she was like "i wonder what they would of said about me" and then awkwardly avoiding saying anything reassuring.
most people would of been like "**** that person". but she turned it around on herself and almost validation sought from me wanting a complement on her appearance and awkwardly avoided saying anything that would be reassuring about the incident.
then i noticed how she would awkwardly do things like that alot. like unsolicated say critical things about my appearance and go on an awkward amount about it or say my past relationships didnt count and go on about it an awkward amount, blatantly trying everything she could to turn my ex gf sending me a petty text into me starting it when i hadnt tried to contact her in like 9 months.
i guess ive let it go for a month or so, because i thought i was being silly. like can i really hold it against someone for not saying reassuring/complements? seems pretty petty on my part.
but then i started to sour on things when i was out having fun on vacation and she kind of buzzkilled me with an unsolicitated slew of text of how my posture wass bad and how people are going to think im insecure and meek. then the ex gf thing happened and i started to really sour on it as she was blatantly turning things on me to make it seem like i was the bad guy/person when the only thing i did was screenshot the petty text my ex gf sent me lol
I've had "friends" who insisted that their criticism was well-intended, to help me. Don't believe it! Check out this article from O Magazine about friends who want to be brutally honest---as the writer noted, she felt these critiques were keeping her honest, but they were just keeping her injured.
I do not believe this is healthy and being on the receiving end of such behavior usually takes a toll. There are some people who just like feeling superior and being in control. I have seen people like that cultivate "friendships" which feeds into it.
Some people go around looking for someone they can tear down; someone who will "take it" so to speak, at least for a while.
If I don't feel good around someone, eventually, I cut them loose. I only spend time with people who I enjoy being with. I'm getting older and don't have time to waste with anyone's so-called "constructive criticism".
Some people go around looking for someone they can tear down; someone who will "take it" so to speak, at least for a while.
If I don't feel good around someone, eventually, I cut them loose. I only spend time with people who I enjoy being with. I'm getting older and don't have time to waste with anyone's so-called "constructive criticism".
im from an abusive family
so, not only do i attract people like you describe, i let them hang around as i have a hard time telling if something is ****ty behavior and even if i realize it is, i make excuses for it and believe them my self.
for example, the story of me having a pic having a blast and being goofy on vacation.
she sends 7 text tearing into my posture an dhow people will think im weak and insecure.
twice during her slew of text, i said "ok. i get it" and she continued.
then at the end she said
"awe"
she did the same thing with my ex gf text when she tried to turn it around on me. She goes you seem really upset, i hope your not upset at me. when i didnt respond instantly to her blaming it all on me, despite the fact that i blatantly did nothing.
part of mee feels like she knows damn well that she is tearing me down due to the "awe" and i hope your not upset at me
then the other part of me reasons
1) well she could be trying to help me out
2) she has had alot of plastic surgery herself. this just may just be how she thinks.
so, not only do i attract people like you describe, i let them hang around as i have a hard time telling if something is ****ty behavior and even if i realize it is, i make excuses for it and believe them my self.
OP, she has issues. It's not normal behavior. And you have issues, too, so the two of you kind of mesh, but not enough that you're not noticing. That's the good news--you're noticing. But you have some self-doubt. This is where you get to exercise your trust in your inner voice, your gut instinct, that's trying to tell you there's something wrong with this picture, and you should bail. Because of your family background, you didn't learn to trust the little voice inside. The little voice got steamrolled over and over, probably, as you were growing up. So here is a great opportunity to learn to trust your gut, and give people who are giving you a bad time the old heave-ho. You'll probably feel better afterward.
Now, how to get this person out of your life, is the next question. You can either back away slowly, and do a fade-out, being "too busy" to engage (I don't know how often she's used to hanging out with you), or you can tell her the "friendship" isn't really working for you, so you're joining some new groups and you're moving on.
Seems to me that you're looking for support to leave someone who's not kind and supportive.
You know what it feels like to have good friends. Do more of that.
Trust yourself to begin to have less contact with toxic person. She'll find someone else.
Hang with people who "feel" good.
Whatever your personal history is, you choose your life.
Choose well.
Walk toward people who make you a better person.
If you don't know what that is, get into good therapy, relationship coaching, meditation, or religion.
Life is too short to be caring about what unsupportive people think.
Take a lot of courage to leave the past behind.
I think you can do it.
x1000.
Way too much.
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