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I had a conversation last night that pertains to this topic. In a previous post, I said that maybe 5% of people we invite over ever reciprocate. I happened to be having dinner at the home of one of these 5% people, my one friend here, Julia, who makes me feel like the friendship effort is 50-50.
Julia is super-likeable, an awesome cook, so fun to be with. I've heard her talk about various friends that she's done things with, so I always assumed she would never have this problem that we're discussing in this thread.
Last night she said to me, "You know Kayanne, of all my friends, you are really the only one who ever reciprocates." And I said, "REALLY?!?!" (totally shocked.) Yep, she said I was the only person, in the 3 years she has lived here, who had ever invited her to my house, who reaches out with texts and phone calls, and that with anyone else she feels it is all one-sided. I laughingly said that kinda made me feel better, because if that can happen to HER, then I don't have to feel like anything is wrong with ME! She went on to say that she has known lots of people in the various places she has lived who have said the same thing, that apparently most people these days are content to sit back, and join in if invited, but never make the effort to reciprocate or reach out.
So the trick is to find even ONE friend that will put forth a 50-50 effort
(or at least something more than 0-100!)
I'm so glad I'm not the only one who is experiencing this. It is so frustrating. My parents, aunts, uncles, and coworkers over 50 don't understand this at all.
You are unusual. Go to any public place and look around--airport, Starbucks, train station, store and any time someone is waiting their heads are down looking at their phones. And it's not just young people anymore either.
I've avoided the cult of the phone. Most of the time I don't even take mine with me when I leave the house. The last thing I want is to be on my phone all the time, or staring at a tiny screen.
What is everyone looking at all the time, or are they just surfing the internet?
I think this loneliness and feeling of neglect, isolation, or desolation stems from having the phone in the first place, which sets the scene for feeling neglected and isolated.
The OP is comparing herself with others who receive lots of texts, messages, emails, and phone calls.
Cellphones are very addictive - that's why many people are checking their phones constantly or very frequently - a shot of dopamine goes to the brain with every notification and with every bell going off - which results in heavy addiction.
If a cellphone and all that surrounds it is making a person unhappy and producing a feeling of neglect and sense of loss, then it's best to get rid of the cellphone, switch to a flip phone maybe, or keep the phone turned off and use it just in case of emergency.
It's not worth suffering negative feelings, just in order to be part of the rampant cellphone culture, a culture which is not necessarily healthy, needed nor positive.
Cultivate lots of interests (if you do not already do so) and cultivate a life of the mind.
The problem is OP wants more social interactions, so since everyone else communicates via text getting rid of your phone just makes socializing that much harder. I don't know how old OP is, but younger generations never use the phone or actually call people to talk. Everything is done through text or social media. I still have a landline (better reception when making calls) in addition to cell phones and I was realizing how rarely people call like they used to. I only use the landline to call or receive calls from my older relatives.
You are unusual. Go to any public place and look around--airport, Starbucks, train station, store and any time someone is waiting their heads are down looking at their phones. And it's not just young people anymore either.
You're a 100% right, I don't get it. I see people in parking lots not paying attention to the cars around them, in the stores, etc.
I really don't get it. I don't want to be staring down at a phone.
I entered a Target store the same time another customer did. I went to 3 different areas including the pharamcy and was done 2O minutes later, I saw them with an empty cart still playing with their phone like they were doing when the entered the store. Probably one of these people who is too busy.....LOL...too busy because you can't put your phone down and shop and go.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NDak15
I'm so glad I'm not the only one who is experiencing this. It is so frustrating. My parents, aunts, uncles, and coworkers over 50 don't understand this at all.
Huh? You think everyone over 50 has good manners?
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellemint
I've avoided the cult of the phone. Most of the time I don't even take mine with me when I leave the house. The last thing I want is to be on my phone all the time, or staring at a tiny screen.
What is everyone looking at all the time, or are they just surfing the internet?
I wonder that as well. Even someone who is say an on call ER nurse doesn't need to be looking at the phone all the time.
I had a conversation last night that pertains to this topic. In a previous post, I said that maybe 5% of people we invite over ever reciprocate. I happened to be having dinner at the home of one of these 5% people, my one friend here, Julia, who makes me feel like the friendship effort is 50-50.
Julia is super-likeable, an awesome cook, so fun to be with. I've heard her talk about various friends that she's done things with, so I always assumed she would never have this problem that we're discussing in this thread.
Last night she said to me, "You know Kayanne, of all my friends, you are really the only one who ever reciprocates." And I said, "REALLY?!?!" (totally shocked.) Yep, she said I was the only person, in the 3 years she has lived here, who had ever invited her to my house, who reaches out with texts and phone calls, and that with anyone else she feels it is all one-sided. I laughingly said that kinda made me feel better, because if that can happen to HER, then I don't have to feel like anything is wrong with ME! She went on to say that she has known lots of people in the various places she has lived who have said the same thing, that apparently most people these days are content to sit back, and join in if invited, but never make the effort to reciprocate or reach out.
So the trick is to find even ONE friend that will put forth a 50-50 effort
(or at least something more than 0-100!)
Funny my closest friend (who's on the other side of the country) is like this. Such a genuine, generous and positive person yet she doesn't have a ton of friends. Everyone loves her but don't make the effort to hangout. She's down for anything and is always up for adventure yet she never gets invite besides me and her other childhood and best friend. It's weird how some of the coolest people don't get invited out like they should.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coloradomom22
OP, you are not alone . This happens all the time and I think people are just so different now.
You should read in parenting forums how many people plan birthday parties for their kids only to have no one RSVP, or those that do never show up. You have kids who invite their entire class (and pay the fees for everyone) yet literally have one child show.
I think social media has changed people. We now walk around with our phones glued to our sides. Before Facebook and smart phones you had to make effort if you wanted to socialize and know other people and their lives. You had to reach out and have people over or meet up if you wanted human contact. Now you can stay home and feel "social" by reading Facebook or Instagram. People are busy that's for sure but I think it's more of just wanting to not commit. Having people over, planning and inviting takes work. It's a lot easier to choose entertainment last minute especially if someone gets a "better offer". To me all of this is sad but it's just the way our society has moved.
Absolutely. I'm 30 so I grew up in the age of transition. So I was hanging out before everyone had a smart phone and experienced having to make much harder of an effort to hangout. We had AIM and phone calls and had to make every meeting and encounter count. And when we left the house, there was no turning back. Now, it's too convenient for people to cancel last minute or leave people hanging. It's quite sad.
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin
Speak for yourself. Not all of us walk around with the phone glued to us. I have my phone off most of the time. I got a new phone and disabled the bluetooth in the car. I live in CA and it has to be handsfree. I don't want to hear ringing coming through when I am listening to a CD.
As far as busy goes, that's nonsense unless someone is working a full time job and a part time job, caregiver to sick or elderly family member, dealing with a special needs child,etc
People pay bills online, shop online, many don't actually cook but microwave, etc. So how are they so busy? If anything they should have more free time than years ago, you know when you had to open bills, write checks, mail them, etc. So why so busy?
The truth is they don't want to be bothered.
Good point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SportyandMisty
Some people are leaders; others are followers. Many followers prefer to let leaders lead.
Example
We belong to a fairly active empty nesters club -- probably about 100 couples. Monthly we have activities organized by members, and usually it includes food. Examples of activities include a trivia night, ice skating, Hawaiian themed party, Wine tasting, a cooking class at a major foodie restaurant, etc. These events are all well attended and everyone has fun. The issue: probably the same dozen couples are the organizers year after year -- the others are happy to attend and participate, but they just are not leaders to organize an event.
Funny you mention this. A while ago I had a group of friends whom we all trained martial arts. I was their instructor and eventually their friend. We would all go out, do things, have fun, etc. When we did though, I was always the one setting things up. Then one day there was a few weeks of absence on my behalf. A few things came along my life that I had to do. Surprisingly one of my students/friend hit me asking me whats up. We chatted a little bit and asked if everyone had gone to a certain event. He told me "No, we didn't go together because you're usually the leader of the group, so unless its you, we don't do anything together".
Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12
I think this loneliness and feeling of neglect, isolation, or desolation stems from having the phone in the first place, which sets the scene for feeling neglected and isolated.
The OP is comparing herself with others who receive lots of texts, messages, emails, and phone calls.
Cellphones are very addictive - that's why many people are checking their phones constantly or very frequently - a shot of dopamine goes to the brain with every notification and with every bell going off - which results in heavy addiction.
If a cellphone and all that surrounds it is making a person unhappy and producing a feeling of neglect and sense of loss, then it's best to get rid of the cellphone, switch to a flip phone maybe, or keep the phone turned off and use it just in case of emergency.
It's not worth suffering negative feelings, just in order to be part of the rampant cellphone culture, a culture which is not necessarily healthy, needed nor positive.
Cultivate lots of interests (if you do not already do so) and cultivate a life of the mind.
I'M A GUY!!! Everyone thinks I'm a woman, hahaha.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellemint
I've avoided the cult of the phone. Most of the time I don't even take mine with me when I leave the house. The last thing I want is to be on my phone all the time, or staring at a tiny screen.
What is everyone looking at all the time, or are they just surfing the internet?
What I find is that in a lot of social situations nowadays, a lot of people act as if they're doing something on their phone to avoid awkwardness. When most the time, they're faking the funk, doing a whole lot of nothing. In public spaces, it could be anything. I tend to do a lot of reading on my E-book app and play some games or listen to music. Despite my thread, I'm not the biggest texter like some may believe.
The problem is OP wants more social interactions, so since everyone else communicates via text getting rid of your phone just makes socializing that much harder. I don't know how old OP is, but younger generations never use the phone or actually call people to talk. Everything is done through text or social media. I still have a landline (better reception when making calls) in addition to cell phones and I was realizing how rarely people call like they used to. I only use the landline to call or receive calls from my older relatives.
People don't respond to texts or messages on social media anymore than phone calls.
No, I don't think that and I have seen plenty of people over 50 that act the same way. However, what my relatives that age don't seem to understand is that among those roughly 40 and under, it's common for people to not answer calls, texts, etc. This means that having a social life is much harder.
I'm so glad I'm not the only one who is experiencing this. It is so frustrating. My parents, aunts, uncles, and coworkers over 50 don't understand this at all.
I'm over 50 and trust me --- I do understand it.
Over the years, I've had lots of people I thought were friends that ended up drifting away. I, too, had friends where I was the only one who called and made plans to do something. It got wearying after awhile so I stopped calling and they never called again. Sometimes it was really hurtful.
As I get older, I've often thought that if my husband goes first, I wouldn't have anyone to talk to---same with him if I were to go first. Last month I called my recently widowed aunt and asked her how she was doing. She told me that she was still getting used to being alone as she and my uncle did everything together. She lives with her daughter, son-in-law and grandson so I'm sure it helps her to have them around, even though they all live busy lives. Still, it surprised me to hear that from her as she and my uncle had a large circle of friends. Most people from my aunt's generation (the so-called greatest generation) tended to have lots of friends with most being lifelong friends. My parents moved several times over the years and their friendships stayed strong. Sure, there were a few here and there that would drift away but they tended to be more acquaintances than true friends. My Dad now lives in a retirement community. He moved there because a former co-worker of his that he has known since the late 50s encouraged him to move there.
The person I've been in touch with the longest is one of my college roommates. She lives on the other end of the country now but we catch up via Christmas cards and emails.
I grew up assuming that my friends would all be lifelong ones, after seeing my parents make such friends. Despite my mother not always treating her friends well, they stuck by her even up to her death. I treat people well and respect their wishes. Some people only want to get together on rare occasions and I respect that. When I get together with others, I make sure to ask them how things are and what is new with them. Most rarely ask me those questions back.
These days, I often wonder if it is even worth trying to make friends as I've become slow to trust others and proceed cautiously...
Over the years, I've had lots of people I thought were friends that ended up drifting away. I, too, had friends where I was the only one who called and made plans to do something. It got wearying after awhile so I stopped calling and they never called again. Sometimes it was really hurtful.
As I get older, I've often thought that if my husband goes first, I wouldn't have anyone to talk to---same with him if I were to go first. Last month I called my recently widowed aunt and asked her how she was doing. She told me that she was still getting used to being alone as she and my uncle did everything together. She lives with her daughter, son-in-law and grandson so I'm sure it helps her to have them around, even though they all live busy lives. Still, it surprised me to hear that from her as she and my uncle had a large circle of friends. Most people from my aunt's generation (the so-called greatest generation) tended to have lots of friends with most being lifelong friends. My parents moved several times over the years and their friendships stayed strong. Sure, there were a few here and there that would drift away but they tended to be more acquaintances than true friends. My Dad now lives in a retirement community. He moved there because a former co-worker of his that he has known since the late 50s encouraged him to move there.
The person I've been in touch with the longest is one of my college roommates. She lives on the other end of the country now but we catch up via Christmas cards and emails.
I grew up assuming that my friends would all be lifelong ones, after seeing my parents make such friends. Despite my mother not always treating her friends well, they stuck by her even up to her death. I treat people well and respect their wishes. Some people only want to get together on rare occasions and I respect that. When I get together with others, I make sure to ask them how things are and what is new with them. Most rarely ask me those questions back.
These days, I often wonder if it is even worth trying to make friends as I've become slow to trust others and proceed cautiously...
I too see the lifelong friends of my parents and in-laws and wonder if I will ever experience the same. Honestly, it seems that hanging out with my family is much easier and rewarding than putting a lot of effort into friendships that fizzle due to others not reciprocating.
I'm so glad I'm not the only one who is experiencing this. It is so frustrating. My parents, aunts, uncles, and coworkers over 50 don't understand this at all.
I'm over 50, and I totally understand.
For us it seems that all of our "friends" are so busy with their adult children and their families... hovering grandparents, can't miss a nano second of a grandchild's every moment.
I have two or three friends that do reciprocate. To a degree, I've backed away from the others because it does hurt when no one reaches out to you in return.
My all time FAV was this one family, we have shared 6 or 7 thanksgivings with over the last 15 years. Last year it was just the 2 of us. My "friend" invited us over. Great, so I'm planning what to bring. A few days before T-day, she calls and says "Oh, we changed plans, we are going over to our son's house so we can't include you."
The son lives very close to us, and it was certainly OK to include us to his wedding and bring a gift, help throw the baby shower and bring gifts, but on T-day, not worthy... So very hurtful, I was done. I later saw the wonderful lovely "family photos" on Facebook. 2 more people at that table would have been no problem. So a better deal came along, and we were "uninvited". 56 years old. No manners. Ha, trust me, I've now experienced it all.
We are planning a pre-retirement move next year and as soon as we land the effort to meet new people will begin. Meet ups, church, hobbies, whatever I can find for us to do to meet new people.
People today are very self absorbed and will happily come to YOUR house, but often have no interest in making the effort to reach out to others. If they have family, they think that's enough. But for us with no family, I guess I will be reaching out until the very end to meet new and nice people.
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