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Would you say it's better to make friends with people in your own league? (i.e. education, socioeconomic, traditions, cultural, appearance, interests, etc.)
I have a handful of close female friends that for the most part, have been good people and catty behavior is very low. We frequently compliment each other on our appearance and clothes, and are close, and negativity and conflicts are not that often encountered, though they do happen on occasion.
When I befriended these women (it's been 5+ years), I realized my friendship with my so-called 'best friend' was different.
Looking back, there was frequent underlying jealousy on her part.
Growing up together, she struggled with obesity, while I was the super thin friend. Certain things like going to a club I couldn't do with her because she didn't feel comfortable in those places.
She'd throw snide remarks and backhanded compliments (i.e. Look at those chicken legs! What's up pea head? You're flat as a board but a handful is enough for men!) frequently, yet be supportive and very helpful at the same time.
Even after I moved out of state, and visited on holidays, she still had a lot of pent up jealousy despite us not hanging out like before.
But looking back, we were and are very different. I'm not a beauty queen, but when it came to men, I got the attention and drinks, and she was left hanging in the corner all alone. I can imagine how hurtful it was for her but I tried my best to downplay these situations. Even when she lost all the weight, she was the last to be 'picked' by men from our circle of girlfriends. I can only imagine how hurtful this is.
But with these 'new' girlfriends, snide remarks and backhanded compliments, jealousy, not much. But I'll admit, they are very attractive, and thin and perhaps this lack of difference doesn't breed resentment?
I do think that too much of a difference may make one resent the other, that's if one is insecure. I think it takes a very strong character to look past the differences and be content with herself.
Thoughts?
I am older now, still in shape but do not get men who flirt very often. Sometimes happens though.
I've had a few best friends who were never overly desirable to the opposite sex, both also heavy their whole lives. Never did it occur t me whether or not men were attracted to them. It played NO ROLE whatsoever in our friendship and it seems an odd thing to obsess on.
I am friends with the human race. Everyone is of "my level"
i think it is easier to relate to people who have similar interests and likes as you. Of course you be friends with others but you will be closer to the ones you have common ground with.
Even when she lost all the weight, she was the last to be 'picked' by men from our circle.
I think some of you missed this part of the OP's original post. I think her friend had much more serious issues than just her weight. People with those kinds of problems don't make good friends same level or not.
I'm going to comment from an income standpoint. I have one very close friend who is 20 years younger than me and makes maybe 20% of what I made before retirement. We became friends 15 years ago when he was doing some carpentry work for me. Another friend of 40 some years is/was a lawyer who made a little more than me for some years, then my income doubled his. Made no difference. The subject never comes up.
Recently we've become friends with neighbors who probably made our annual income every couple of months. Again, who cares? Of the three others that I consider good friends, two have a bit less and one has a bit more, from what I can tell.
Like you, I've had friends with different 'assets' but if they were confident and friendly, any difference wasn't really a big deal. A good time was a good time.
But this friend, there were always problems with her. I thought that yes, maybe because me and her are very different in the looks and smarts department...but then I have friends that are 'higher' and 'lower' than me, and I don't have as many issues as I have had with this woman.
Is your former friend a dummy? If not, then don't you think that she might have sensed all the thoughts you had about how much (allegedly) higher you are in looks and smarts and that made her snide? Imo, you might be one of those who likes a fat friend to feel superior to.
I'm going to comment from an income standpoint. I have one very close friend who is 20 years younger than me and makes maybe 20% of what I made before retirement. We became friends 15 years ago when he was doing some carpentry work for me. Another friend of 40 some years is/was a lawyer who made a little more than me for some years, then my income doubled his. Made no difference. The subject never comes up.
Recently we've become friends with neighbors who probably made our annual income every couple of months. Again, who cares? Of the three others that I consider good friends, two have a bit less and one has a bit more, from what I can tell.
You're a bit too simplistic.
While I agree it shouldn't matter if you like people and have mutual interests, it can become problematic in sceanrios like going out for the evening, say to a restaurant.
One person or couple has no problem dropping a few hundred dollars at a high end restaurant, the other really can't afford that. Couple that really can't afford it is too embarrassed to say anything and ends up spending money they really shouldn't be spending.
You also seem to know a lot about other people salaries including these neighbors you said you recently met. How do you know all this if the subject never comes up?
While I agree it shouldn't matter if you like people and have mutual interests, it can become problematic in sceanrios like going out for the evening, say to a restaurant.
One person or couple has no problem dropping a few hundred dollars at a high end restaurant, the other really can't afford that. Couple that really can't afford it is too embarrassed to say anything and ends up spending money they really shouldn't be spending.
You also seem to know a lot about other people salaries including these neighbors you said you recently met. How do you know all this if the subject never comes up?
Yes, very true!
I just don't see how a poor couple will hang out with a rich couple at a fine dining.
From my own experience: I have a friend whose father is well off. Mine are not. I could not afford to wine and dine on the regular with my friend and this created a gap between us. She'd go with her wealthier friends and do all the pricey activities and barely invite me, if ever, yet we are very close friends. Why? Because most often I'd politely decline due to lack of money and she'd eventually stopped inviting me all together to pricey outtings. It kind of hurt but I didn't have the money to spend like that.
I think some people have difficulty understanding and relating to others who are at different places in life wrt these things, and that's when making friends "on your level" makes the most sense.
The rest of your post was pretty awesome but this part I'm quoting confuses the heck out of me. Examples? ty
Is your former friend a dummy? If not, then don't you think that she might have sensed all the thoughts you had about how much (allegedly) higher you are in looks and smarts and that made her snide? Imo, you might be one of those who likes a fat friend to feel superior to.
It got to a point where her obesity was 300 lbs and going.
Sensed? You tell me. She'd pull my hair, laugh at my butt, call me flat chested, tell me I should wear a garbage bag, shave my head...but it was all a joke! She didn't mean any harm by it!
Competing is often (usually(?)) part of male bonding
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