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My mother recently told me she wanted a family reunion with my husband, myself and my brother and his wife. I have barely talked with my brother for the past 5 or more years so my husband and I are really not interested in this. I am also not interested in being around my mother and sister-in-law. My mother has never liked my brothers wife and I cannot imagine spending time in a remote cabin with the two of them is a good idea for any of us. I told her we would not participate and of course she was upset. She said I need to make up with my brother. I am not really mad at him so I don't see any reason to make up. I just don't want to be around him or my mother when they are unhappy. They can behave pretty badly when they are like that. At least with my mom I can say something but it doesn't work with my brother. And Mom is so petty with my SIL. SIL has three young children so she doesn't work, which I understand. But Mom constantly makes mean comments about it. Like she is just mooching off my brother or something. I don't understand this sudden need to pretend we are some big happy family.
Ugh, I feel bad for that girl. I lucked out in the MIL department. Mine is a gem. My mother is a flipping harpy.
Is any woman ever really good enough for mama's boy?
Grandma is suddenly doing something out-of-character?
And wants the DIL there, and you and your brother to be together too?
I think you should all do it. Sounds like you need to do it.
There could be an important reason why she wants it, but it would be good to all gather around Mom for some fun too, if there happens to be no important reason behind it.
It doesn't sound like you normally get together for holidays and such. You are a big girl now, and you should do it. Why? Cause the woman who gave birth to you asked you to.
I don't blame you for being wary of holing up in a cabin with some people you haven't even spoke w in five years and where there's a lot of disharmony. Your mothers guilt tripping to be a good sport and "make up" is insensitive to your feelings. Is this part of the way she usually acts to you - telling you what you should do rather than having a dialogue about how you feel or why your feeling the way you do?
Is there a type of favoritism she shows towards your brother a bit? Maybe I misinterpreted it but her expecting you to suck it up and make up w your brother seemed to be more about him than an equal two sided thing where your equally considered but maybe I'm wrong.
I may have missed it in your post but if you haven't already done so it seems like the healthiest most honest means of communication would to be honest respectful but direct in expressing to your mother why you don't feel it would be good for you to do so. If there is any desire on your part to attempt to have some limited interactions w your brother perhaps you could throw out to her the possibility of starting with something less ambitious such as a get together over a lunch once a month or whatever.
It is the way she usually acts. My feelings are more along the lines of I sense it would be a disaster and I don't want to put anyone in our family through it. I did explain it to her and she has backed down for now. But I am sure this will come up again.
I don't know if it is favoritism...I can just take things better than he can. That is part of the reason I think she acts like she does to his wife. She is not happy with the choices they both make and since she cannot say anything towards my brother she takes it out on her. Oh my word, I have never thought of it like that before. I just thought it was classic MIL vs DIL stuff.
You have very valid reasons for not participating in this 'reunion'. It sounds awful. I have no clue why parents insist on their children getting along, but you don't have to pretend anything to make her happy.
I think it's common for parents to blame the inlaw for what's happening in their child's family. Your mom doesn't want to think it's her son making decisions that she disagrees with. It must be that evil DIL who is leading him astray. Not unusual at all. My Mother blamed things on my SIL when my brother actually made all the decisions in the family. But my mother could never blame her "golden" child for anything.
Your viewpoint may prove to be selfish and immature. Isnt it time to grow up and face life as an adult?
I don't know what your mother's reason for doing this truly is, but what if she has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and wants to take one last shot at a "Norman Rockwell" holiday season before she reveals the information? That would be more than her daughter could bare to do for her?
Wouldn't your reasons for not wanting to participate suddenly become childish, trivial and even amazingly selfish in comparison?
I don't see why anyone would be 'holed-up'. Cabins are usually out in the woods. Plenty of room if someone finds they need space. Any children and even men will probably be more interested in playing and exploring the surrounding area than spending their entire time 'holed up', even if you wouldn't. They invented cars for a reason - so you can transport yourself OUT of a situation if the event proves to be as ridiculous as you suspect.
Last edited by ComeCloser; 11-10-2017 at 05:41 AM..
You have very valid reasons for not participating in this 'reunion'. It sounds awful. I have no clue why parents insist on their children getting along, but you don't have to pretend anything to make her happy.
I think it's common for parents to blame the inlaw for what's happening in their child's family. Your mom doesn't want to think it's her son making decisions that she disagrees with. It must be that evil DIL who is leading him astray. Not unusual at all. My Mother blamed things on my SIL when my brother actually made all the decisions in the family. But my mother could never blame her "golden" child for anything.
Yeah, I agree that it’s normal. My grandfather blamed my aunt for ruining his son’s life basically until he died. Never mind that my uncle had a successful professional career (although it was in a smaller, more rural town) and two of his kids went on to get graduate degrees. My aunt is a lovely woman! I just didn’t see it, but I guess he just had dreams of success for his son that probably involved some big city career that never materialized. It’s really a shame when there is someone like that around to cause discord. Then my uncle would often say he’d stop by and wouldn’t show up... so I can definitely see why the OP would just want to avoid this experience. Chances are the relationship won’t improve until her mom passes away, unfortunately.
My Mother blamed things on my SIL when my brother actually made all the decisions in the family. But my mother could never blame her "golden" child for anything.
That is exactly what she does. Either she calls or is at the house visiting and will start bashing her. I have had to tell her a few times to knock it off. I know she says stuff to my aunt about it as well because my aunt will mention that my brother is grown and can make his own decisions. She also had my aunt convinced that my dad was horrible to her for years. My "poor" mother having to endure that man until my mom turned on my aunt and then she figured it out. It is almost like she has to have someone in the family to war with.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 8 days ago)
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Your mom sounds awful.
Why are you not speaking to your brother?
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