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Over the last 5-6 years I've quit putting up with my parents being negative, blaming everyone for everything, treating others like servants/or just like crap, lying, cheating, stealing, back stabbing, etc.
Now that I've stood up for myself, and others, they don't include me. I'm fine with that. Just cause they are my parents, does not mean I should associate with people like them. If they were anyone else, I'd have never been associated with them and would keep my distance as I am now.
My parents are people, just like everyone else, and have no right to treat me or anyone else like they do. I've distanced myself as much as possible and I treat them like people, not parents put on a pedestal.
I've found that I am a much happier person since I have very limited contact with them. They still pi$$ me off from time to time with the guilt BS and trying to put my kids against me, but the kids and I are in a better place long term. I don't want them to influence my kids with their "high and mighty" and "we are above everyone else" type attitude.
Just my situation and how I've handled it. Learn from my mistakes and gain from what I've found on "the other side" of the situation.
So far, you have a consensus of answers that say "move on". I agree. If a family relationship is continually damaging to oneself, the healthiest thing is to move on. I can offer some thoughts in support.
A number of decades ago I finally came to the realization that any dealings with my mother were always going to be negative and hurtful to me. And I reached the point where I said "enough is enough". And I cut all ties and communication. I also cut ties with some other family members who were still "carrying that baggage". I thought about it occasionally over the years, and I never found enough reason to change my mind. UNTIL one of the other family members contacted me and essentially apologized. They had experienced for themself how one-sided and damaging that relationship could be, and they had learned from that. At that point I re-established contact with that other family member.
At the same time, I was fortunate enough to have a loving and caring stepmother. With her, I have kept regular contact through the years, and that has been a beneficial relationship. If one is going to put the effort into maintaining a relationship, there should be something positive one can take away, whether it is family, friends, or work. If what you carry away is a big negative, then giving it a rest and moving on is justified.
During all those years, people would sometimes ask about my mother. When people discovered I had not spoken to her in years, and would not, the invariable response seemed to be "But she's your mother!". I just had to shrug my shoulders and shake my head. They did not understand. And likely never would. If you break off contact, you will likely meet that attitude. People that have a good relationship with their parents, or even a halfway good relationship just won't "get it".
There may also be people who know both of you. Or who get to meet your mother. Abusive situations are not always obvious to outsiders. We all have different personas we put on for different situations - it is a basic survival technique. We are one person at work, and another person at the party, and yet another person with close friends, etc. Outsiders, even friends, may not see the damage and negativity that you see, because they see your mother's "nice" persona. I've seen that happen often enough.
Anyway, good luck with your decision. Be strong, and work towards making yourself the best person you can be! We can't all be Superman, but we can do the best with who we are today!
wow, does your story sound familiar. My mother was just like yours. I've had several years of therapy to deal with it, and the result was i had to distance myself from my mother.
Your mother sounds jealous of you and your accomplishments. She sounds like she feels bad about herself, and she feels compelled to bring you down to make herself feel better. You can't change her; the only person you have any control over is yourself, and your reactions to her.
You may feel very guilty about distancing yourself from your mother. After all, mothers hold an exalted position in our minds. But for your own well-being, you may need to keep her at arms' length. It's good that you've moved to a different location.
I'd suggest not trying to contact her yourself, but if she reaches out to you, listen to her until she gets abusive again. When that happens, say, "i'm sorry, mom, i can't listen to this anymore." and hang up.
So far, you have a consensus of answers that say "move on". I agree. If a family relationship is continually damaging to oneself, the healthiest thing is to move on. I can offer some thoughts in support.
A number of decades ago I finally came to the realization that any dealings with my mother were always going to be negative and hurtful to me. And I reached the point where I said "enough is enough". And I cut all ties and communication. I also cut ties with some other family members who were still "carrying that baggage". I thought about it occasionally over the years, and I never found enough reason to change my mind. UNTIL one of the other family members contacted me and essentially apologized. They had experienced for themself how one-sided and damaging that relationship could be, and they had learned from that. At that point I re-established contact with that other family member.
At the same time, I was fortunate enough to have a loving and caring stepmother. With her, I have kept regular contact through the years, and that has been a beneficial relationship. If one is going to put the effort into maintaining a relationship, there should be something positive one can take away, whether it is family, friends, or work. If what you carry away is a big negative, then giving it a rest and moving on is justified.
During all those years, people would sometimes ask about my mother. When people discovered I had not spoken to her in years, and would not, the invariable response seemed to be "But she's your mother!". I just had to shrug my shoulders and shake my head. They did not understand. And likely never would. If you break off contact, you will likely meet that attitude. People that have a good relationship with their parents, or even a halfway good relationship just won't "get it".
There may also be people who know both of you. Or who get to meet your mother. Abusive situations are not always obvious to outsiders. We all have different personas we put on for different situations - it is a basic survival technique. We are one person at work, and another person at the party, and yet another person with close friends, etc. Outsiders, even friends, may not see the damage and negativity that you see, because they see your mother's "nice" persona. I've seen that happen often enough.
Anyway, good luck with your decision. Be strong, and work towards making yourself the best person you can be! We can't all be Superman, but we can do the best with who we are today!
My daughter and I have had a hard relationship. I don't hate but only wish the best for her and do love her, but can't change her. She is a product of divorced parents and that goes into it all too I'm sure. Very sure.
I would not close doors, but keep distance. I've had a lot of joint issues and she's MAD as I never did a knee replacement and says I'd be much better off now. That's another story. Now.
We all make our choices and this has been mine and I don't have to please anyone else not even my daughter.
I won't see she and her children on thanksgiving as I'm going to a restaurant with 2 good friends who don't judge what I do or don't do.
Everyone wants a good relationship with moms and dads and many just don't get that. Keep door open and keep more distance. Work on good friendships. J
Last edited by jaminhealth; 11-22-2017 at 11:08 AM..
There are feelings of like and love that are different. I love my daughter but a lot of things I don't like about what she has done and does. And I'm sure she feels the same about me.
It's likely to end badly. Whatever you do you will carry guilt when she dies (unless she outlives you). You will wish it could have been different, or that you could have done something different. But your Mom won't let you in whether you have a strained relationship with her or none at all. The die is cast.
oh good gravy! Thank goodness I didn't or wouldn't take the advice of the "Get away from her" group mentality.
My Mother and I had everything thrown at us under the sun...moments of distain, moments of extreme disappointments, physical abuse, and terrible heartaches.....Thank gawd I got therapy and LEARNED that my part played just as much a role as hers in the contention. Years of hard work created a new bond that I cherished til her dieing breath. I wouldn't trade those moments for anything!
take a breather if you like...but I firmly beleive that until and when you are ready to rebuild and rejuvenate what is left of your parent/adult relationship ...you are just going to continue with blow ups and re-affirm to yourself that you don't need her. You do though...You just may not know how that fits into your adult world.
Now that you live in another state, this is a perfect opportunity to have a relationship with her that you have more control over and that is more limited. But do try to move on from caring about her approval for anything you do in life.
Just wondering, is she a drinker? Sorry for the problem between you and your mom.
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