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Write her a letter, send it with your feelings that you've shared here. Let he know that you love her, that you would like to be able to maintain contact, but that things must change.
If she responds take it from there. If she doesn't...Than you tried. And, sometime in the future she will miss you, or you will miss her and eventually one of you will call. I think even if change is not immediate, getting it out will offer you both the ability to do so.
These are very difficult situations for someone to advise you. Only you know your heart.
I will say that she may not be a good mom, at least emotionally. But, she obviously raised a determined, intelligent and strong young woman....look how much you've accomplished, in spite of her lack of emotional support. And, sometimes the only one that pats us on the back is ourselves....sometimes that has to be enough.
Have a wonderful, productive life. You deserve it.
Last edited by JanND; 11-22-2017 at 09:55 PM..
Reason: added text
Location: The Land Mass Between NOLA and Mobile, AL
1,796 posts, read 1,667,689 times
Reputation: 1411
Quote:
Originally Posted by mochamajesty
Wow, people are advocating for a relationship with someone who physically abused another person.
OP, were you a child when this physical abuse happened? If so, I'm sorry, but I have to ask:
What the hell? If the OP were a wife and it was husband, the replies would be totally different.
Mothers get a pass in this society that they sometimes do not deserve.
This is true. It is much easier to maintain distance from nasty mothers when you actually have physical distance. These relationships can be hard to handle at holidays. OP, do your best to do what's good for you.
She's never drank before, but she was "abused" by my grandma.
Thanks everybody. I will keep my distance from her, but if she calls then I won't ignore it. I'll hang up if she starts being negative again.
There you go! Before you hang up, just say..... “hey Mom, gotta go...I want our talks to be uplifting for me and this one’s starting to go downhill. Love ya!†And then hang up.
oh good gravy! Thank goodness I didn't or wouldn't take the advice of the "Get away from her" group mentality.
My Mother and I had everything thrown at us under the sun...moments of distain, moments of extreme disappointments, physical abuse, and terrible heartaches.....Thank gawd I got therapy and LEARNED that my part played just as much a role as hers in the contention. Years of hard work created a new bond that I cherished til her dieing breath. I wouldn't trade those moments for anything!
take a breather if you like...but I firmly beleive that until and when you are ready to rebuild and rejuvenate what is left of your parent/adult relationship ...you are just going to continue with blow ups and re-affirm to yourself that you don't need her. You do though...You just may not know how that fits into your adult world.
You're actually advocating that the OP continue to try to establish a connection to the physically-abusive mother who is currently playing a cruel game with her by not returning phone calls. Got it.
OP, ignore this person. Anyone who thinks that a CHILD plays an equal role and shares equal responsibility her abuse by a parent isn't thinking clearly. It is never OK to abuse a child, no matter what that child does.
Move on and make amends. Why make amends and be stuck in the same situation? You handled her behavior poorly, but, honestly, I did not do much better myself with people like your mom.
I take it you want to be there for her. What I would do is have a limited relationship with her. She can call you for help and no more. You still reserve the right to refuse to help her, however. This is what I do for one relative. She will text me for some specific information and I will provide it to her. But when she is on a call with one of my immediate family members, I do not say hello even when she greets me. I know its mean. But I am tired of her negativity and I am not opening that door for her simply because she greets me. She needs to try harder.
I am going to assume that you missed the words 'physical abuse' in the OP.
OP, ignore this person.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaminhealth
My daughter and I have had a hard relationship. I don't hate but only wish the best for her and do love her, but can't change her. She is a product of divorced parents and that goes into it all too I'm sure. Very sure.
I would not close doors, but keep distance. I've had a lot of joint issues and she's MAD as I never did a knee replacement and says I'd be much better off now. That's another story. Now.
We all make our choices and this has been mine and I don't have to please anyone else not even my daughter.
I won't see she and her children on thanksgiving as I'm going to a restaurant with 2 good friends who don't judge what I do or don't do.
Everyone wants a good relationship with moms and dads and many just don't get that. Keep door open and keep more distance. Work on good friendships. J
I am going to have to assume that you also missed the word 'abuse' in the original post.
Why are you talking about you and your children? Did you hit your children?
I don’t think there is a way to actually make amends here, unless you mean that you will apologize for being honest and promise to go back to letting her walk all over you.
Your mom isn’t going to change. At least not because of anything you say or do. She doesn’t recognize that she has a problem to fix and you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.
It’s up to you to decide whether you want in her in your life as she is. If you can find a way to manage how hurtful she is, by realizing that it’s not about you and about her, then you are halfway there. But whatever it is that you’re hoping to get out of this, you probably won’t get it. It’s your decision whether you can live with that or not.
I chose to not accept it. I haven’t spoken to my mother in over 11 years. And she’s made one single attempt in that whole time to contact me, and that was yet another attack with no apology for the last one. Having kids was the final straw for me, because I didn’t want my kids to feel the pain I had, and she made it clear that she intended to treat them the same way she treated me.
oh good gravy! Thank goodness I didn't or wouldn't take the advice of the "Get away from her" group mentality.
My Mother and I had everything thrown at us under the sun...moments of distain, moments of extreme disappointments, physical abuse, and terrible heartaches.....Thank gawd I got therapy and LEARNED that my part played just as much a role as hers in the contention. Years of hard work created a new bond that I cherished til her dieing breath. I wouldn't trade those moments for anything!
take a breather if you like...but I firmly beleive that until and when you are ready to rebuild and rejuvenate what is left of your parent/adult relationship ...you are just going to continue with blow ups and re-affirm to yourself that you don't need her. You do though...You just may not know how that fits into your adult world.
wow! The mother is abusive and is using the silent treatment to punish, which is considered by professionals to be emotional abuse, and you are advocating the OP placate her abuser.
I am not suggesting the op cut her mother off but just let her mother have her little hissy fit. If the mother calls then the Op can be open to it,but if the mother gets nasty again then a healthy boundary is to state that if the mother is going to be negative and rude it is time to conclude the call. If the mother can't stop being nasty and emotionally abusive and then the healthy thing to do is distance herself. I suggest you stop projecting and realize that not every situation is like yours and not every child played a role in their abuse. In fact the suggestion that a child who has been abused is somehow responsible or played a role in it is deeply offensive and sick.
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