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I've had a love/hate relationship with my mom for my life so far. I've been verbally and physically abused by her throughout my childhood up until now. She doesn't have friends that visit her or that she visits. Most of my relatives have stopped talking to her. Whenever I did something, my mom would always say the opposite. For example, when I graduated college she said I would never be able to get a master's degree. Now I'm in graduate school and she has said I shouldn't have gone. When I graduated college and I invited my parents to graduation, she made me feel bad for switching majors and not graduating within 4 years (I graduated in 5). Whenever I confronted her about how she treated me, she said it was for my own good because she "cared". I recently moved with my husband to another state and before moving I just let everything out when I was visiting her. I stopped calling her since I've moved. It's been about 2 weeks. I felt bad and called to see how she's doing, but she won't answer my calls or return them. I feel at peace not to hear all the negativity, honestly. Should I just move on or try to make amends?
Move on. She tries to control you by making you feel bad about yourself. And congratulations on getting your education despite her unwarranted nonsense!!
Wow, does your story sound familiar. My mother was just like yours. I've had several years of therapy to deal with it, and the result was I had to distance myself from my mother.
Your mother sounds jealous of you and your accomplishments. She sounds like she feels bad about herself, and she feels compelled to bring you down to make herself feel better. You can't change her; the only person you have any control over is yourself, and your reactions to her.
You may feel very guilty about distancing yourself from your mother. After all, mothers hold an exalted position in our minds. But for your own well-being, you may need to keep her at arms' length. It's good that you've moved to a different location.
I'd suggest not trying to contact her yourself, but if she reaches out to you, listen to her until she gets abusive again. When that happens, say, "I'm sorry, Mom, I can't listen to this anymore." And hang up.
First I'd say please please don't lay a guilt trip on yourself. I'd say keep the lines of communication open but not play into her silent treatment game which is emotional abuse. If you make amends then what? If you move on then what? I'd say set healthy boundaries and if she does contact you fine but if she starts being negative you need to state you can't talk to her when she is being negative or mean and you need to hang up.
My mother did this silent treatment game or accuse me of something and I woukd try to appease, please or placate until one day at 59 years old I thought enough. She was very nasty with me And went into silent treatment only this time I did not try to fix it, I did not beg, and she never contacted me again. Even when I went through breast cancer she ignored me but in all honesty life has been so much more pleasant.
I've had a love/hate relationship with my mom for my life so far. I've been verbally and physically abused by her throughout my childhood up until now. She doesn't have friends that visit her or that she visits. Most of my relatives have stopped talking to her. Whenever I did something, my mom would always say the opposite. For example, when I graduated college she said I would never be able to get a master's degree. Now I'm in graduate school and she has said I shouldn't have gone. When I graduated college and I invited my parents to graduation, she made me feel bad for switching majors and not graduating within 4 years (I graduated in 5). Whenever I confronted her about how she treated me, she said it was for my own good because she "cared". I recently moved with my husband to another state and before moving I just let everything out when I was visiting her. I stopped calling her since I've moved. It's been about 2 weeks. I felt bad and called to see how she's doing, but she won't answer my calls or return them. I feel at peace not to hear all the negativity, honestly. Should I just move on or try to make amends?
Move on and make amends. Why make amends and be stuck in the same situation? You handled her behavior poorly, but, honestly, I did not do much better myself with people like your mom.
I take it you want to be there for her. What I would do is have a limited relationship with her. She can call you for help and no more. You still reserve the right to refuse to help her, however. This is what I do for one relative. She will text me for some specific information and I will provide it to her. But when she is on a call with one of my immediate family members, I do not say hello even when she greets me. I know its mean. But I am tired of her negativity and I am not opening that door for her simply because she greets me. She needs to try harder.
The ability to exorcise toxic people from your life is an important life skill. That the toxic person is your mother (or any other family member) is irrelevant.
Family is a biological accident. NOTHING is owed to someone just because they are family. You would not tolerate abuse and manipulation from a stranger, so why tolerate it from someone who is supposed to love and support you? Walk away and don't feel guilty. There are no amends to be made, not on your part.
I did the same several months ago. I just stopped calling my mother after realizing that she had been manipulative and somewhat abusive all my life. I'd always thought the flaw lay within me, but eventually I realized that the stuff she pulled was the result of mental health issues on her part. A couple months ago she wrote me a letter laying out all the ways I had wronged her. I wrote back and encouraged her to get therapy and asked for space due to the toxic nature of our relationship. She's been telling family that I refuse to talk to her, but I've responded to all communications (she will only text and write letters) and she has not called - mainly because she's terrified of a confrontation with me.
Cherish the peace you feel now. Let your mom reap what she sowed.
You mean, make amends for being born? That was very inconsiderate of you, you know.
She's never going to be the mother you want and deserve. Let "it" go.
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